I woke at some point in the middle of the night disoriented until I felt Michaels arms around me, still holding me cradled against his chest. I relaxed and listened to the steady soothing sound of his breathing, and the rhythmic beat of that steadfast heart of his.
That heart, was the undoing of every recognizable trait I use to identify myself with, my entire life. I inhaled a deep breath it shuddered like I have heard other people do after a long hard cry, it was disorienting to feel myself doing it. I felt Michaels arm tighten around me slightly, his fingers raised back up into my hair, started moving again for a few moments, then drifted back down. The entire time his soft snores never changed rhythm. Even in his sleep Michael loved and comforted me. I didn't deserve him.
I studied him in his sleep. Like spying on a sleeping angel. He deserved someone as good and pure as he was. All I could ever do is hurt him. I watched his sleeping face.
I mean really, if I were taking honest stock of what I had to offer, the list was short and unimpressive. I could win in a fight, But Michael was a lover not a fighter. He had always been the mediator, the voice of reason. He tolerated my fighting because on some level he knew I had a visceral need to express that aggressive alpha male that lived inside me. He just opted to avoid talking about it. But his silent disapproval was almost as bad as if he told me outright. Though I knew, that it was because of Michael that I managed to reign myself in at all, knowing he disapproved had prevented many fights over the years.
I was good at sex.... Ok, even when I am self depreciating, I can't deny I am fucking amazing at sex. So there is that. But really, Its not like I would stop loving him if we never had sex again. I loved him first, the sex just followed along naturally. Following the love, and the desire to be able to express that love more intimately. Knowing that he is far and away on a higher level than I am in that way, he probably wouldn't even be to bothered if all we ever did was cuddle and hang out.
I'm good at sports. An utterly useless skill when it comes to what I have to offer Michael as a partner in life. I sighed. I am good at self grooming and have and excellent sense of style. And I am pretty epically next level hot. Normally all of that would have cheered me. But everything felt empty and worthless.
Why? Because Michael is good, and kind, and selfless to a fault. I am selfish and can be incredibly cruel and furthermore, I enjoy it. He is always aware of how things said, and done, may hurt someone. Not only am I completely thoughtless, even if it does happen to occur to me, I genuinely don't give a shit.
I lie whenever it suits me. Michael is honest and so sweet he never has to lie in the first place. I have a quick temper, and not only do I get fired up quickly, I go full on blackout rage that borders psychotic at times. What's worse than that... again... I enjoy it.
Michael is patience and tolerance personified. He forgives, I never forgive, even when I say I do. I felt that if a sinking pit open in front of me, it might be best if I just jumped in. The only good thing that really identifies me, lends me some humanity, and redeems me at least a little, is... Michael.
Best friends and inseparable since grade school, we came as a package, always have. Without him, There is no decency in my life. He has been saving me from myself our whole lives. I can't believe it's taken me so long to see that. All my pride was humbled in that moment. Watching him sleep, my own personal miracle.
What hubris I have, all these years thinking I was the one protecting him, saving him. The truth.... I was always the one who needed to be saved. I should drive him away from me, be such an ass that he ends up leaving me. Then he could go on and find someone who would actually deserve him.
But I knew that was never going to happen. The idea of anyone else touching him, looking at him, already had my blood boiling. Besides, I am far to selfish for that. Who knows, maybe I have it all wrong and we are good for each other because we balance one another, yin to my yang and all that.
I knew that it didn't matter what I thought, or what was right or wrong. If anything ever happened to take Michael out of my life. I would cease to exist. That was my reality, for good or ill. And he loved me, just as I am, big massive flaws and all.
Maybe he needs me to be exactly who I am. I need to let this shit go and man the fuck up. Michael is going to need me to be on my game tomorrow, not being a whiny bitch. He was convinced that there was going to be serious blowback from us coming out, but I knew better.
Maybe if it was Michael alone or with someone else. But Michael wasn't dating just anyone. Michael had 'Devlin The Devil' wrapped around his little finger. I was the Devil, by reputation and in fact by deed. I had earned that title and then some, no one would dare cross me. I haven't been challenged either openly or by backroom gossip in a very long time. Because I always get even and never ever forgive or let things go and rarely if ever, feel guilt or remorse for anything. Not very catholic of me, I had a momentary bit of regret.
There was only one exception to the rule. Michael. My Achilles heel, my miracle.
Glad I had woken up and worked through my nonsense before school tomorrow. That was enough self depreciation to last me a lifetime.
Lets never ....do that again.
YOU ARE READING
Transcendental Book Two (Working Title)
RomanceA continuation of Michael and Devlin's story