The Muses

a jumble of thoughts, feelings and words

muse
you are you
I'm you
I'm writing to you
Can you hear yourself
I do
I see you too
I'm you and you are me
You are my reader, my writer and my muse

fawning
Freeze in the head lights baby deer
'You're my prey again now'
the man with the gun takes aim
but never shoots
I am still the frozen fawn and
I'm fawning in the headlights of
doom
Mother I need you

worthy
oh body all I wish for is to love you
Ever so deeply and whole heartedly
to look at you and admire
the flaws;
Marks,
Burns
And scars

I crave a motherly love for you,body
I wish I could gaze upon you and see you for what you are inside, on the out as well
To see stunning beauty, to see a form that is muse worthy

PTSD
I've always been in love with the ocean,
gentle scenic seas, I dream of floating among its waves, it's embrace
I want to live there, where time slows and I'm one with her, with life, with the sea but I wake up and
I am drowning, crushed, gasping
for air
begging for salvation
I'm bought to surface just to be slammed down
Oceans warm embrace is so icy cold that it burns, sears my skin and bones
rotting flesh I am whipped and lashed until I am no longer
and with my body, I fall upon the deep darkness of the sea
gently I will lay here and weep
to live is to die and I didn't get the choice to make that sacrifice

fibromyalgia & chronic pain
my palms feel like
they are pierced with hundreds of
pebbles, glass,
it hurts and aches,
to gently touch me is to
rub salt in the wound
i pray for numbness
just so i can hold your hand

angry leech
I'll kill the anger!
rip it out of my body!
aggressively tear the angry leech from my nervous system!
the anger takes flesh and blood with it
and the pain tears skin like sharp knives
but I cannot live anymore with so much hate!
it overwhelms me!

I am a foul, cursed corpse
that just wants to Rest In Peace!

dear dad
romance wasn't my first heart break,
It was seeing you
Shattered and
there, but absent
All I remember is you
After you came back
I hugged you tight too
maybe if I held on long enough you'd be okay
please be okay

i want to dream forever
Sometimes I dream myself
indirectly into another world
it is different here
time is a concept and it feels so warm
i am in control and that makes me so happy and relieved
for once i sit in the field of wildflowers,
I walk on the oceans surface and play in it's waves,
and all I think about
is how beautiful this new home is
my home
my home finally feels safe
and i finally feel okay

trying
a war on the waves
of which rots the wood
the pillars of this bay
it will all fall one day

self care
Hold yourself gently and
bare warmth the way
you angle your potted plants
to the sun
you will grow to spread more light
as long as you drink water and breathe

i fear death
Death has cursed me gently with the reminder that
Existing is hard and
she waits for me to be the next
statistic or ratio
If I could have one wish,
it would be that I think about her a
little less

reminders
i woke up to myself
my body
screaming, shouting incoherently
Scrambling thoughts
clenching bed sheets
the war in my head is alive and it's here and I can't hide

but my room is calm, quiet
he reaches gingerly for me to hold me tighter,
he kisses me gently and whispers softly

reminders come and go like the breeze and
it breaks me even more that
they even follow me when I'm most vulnerable,
when I sleep

fantastical escapism
our world and my world are two different things I fly between
constantly fleeing to my dreams
Please let me take refuge here

being too much
I burst at the seems and
feel and love and hate so aggressively
to make up for the lost time and tears
Spent on those who hurt me
who wanted me to feel less

please kill me gently
emotions feel raw like the
feral predator disembowelling the corpse of the poor
innocent
prey

in the life of a bad day
- Like a relay, limb to limb, pain is passed around my body like a race to bring it all crashing down
- My lungs are in the early stage of decomposition. A cavity grows from the black hole, it takes all with it; energy & breath. Sometimes it will hurt, too. The vengeful black hole will stab me in the lung just for trying to breathe. Or it will ache. The war with the black hole wages on. We are both tired.
- Eyes, exhausted of being, will grow weak. It is hard not to succumb to the sweet call of rest. Moving too fast, my senses get overwhelmed and I feel sickeningly dizzy. A head ache always ensues. The only cure is time, and rest if I am lucky. My eyes will hurt, and vision blur so aggressively it is possible to overload, and have a fit. I will cry because it feels like I am dying.
- My hands will tremor and shake. It is hard to accomplish anything with limbs that don't even feel, let alone feel like they are my own.
- My mind is screaming at me while I try to exist. Everything is a failure. Every interaction with the world feels like I'm being taken hostage over and over again. intrusive thoughts pulsate in my head, faster and faster. It is a ticking time bomb, and it takes everything in me not to break down and explode

i made you something
An uneven batch of homemade cookies
messy and hasty,
I know
When words fail feelings,
please enjoy this tray of sweet baked treats

abused love
We fell apart
like a broken vase that you threw
there's no point in fixing
our shattered mess

cognitive dissonance
In my rose coloured glasses
You are my home
The campfire raging at night
mesmerised faces peering deeply
you are
The roots of the old willow tree
the flowers in its fields
But you scream you're the walking cane
while I painfully limp
I'm the wounded prey
you won the hunt
and now my heart is your prize
but I must admit
I don't want to be your trophy anymore

is this how i can find solace?
If peace means
drinking the poison,
growing deadly teeth,
and sharpening our claws,
then so it will be