Just Say Yes

Overcoming obstacles

        Normally I am in between being a pessimist and an optimist. I cant exactly look at a glass of water and think "Hmm this glass is half full" or "I guess this glass is half empty." I see the glass as just a glass filled with some water. While this outlook can be good, I am pessimistic about many experiences. I try hard to do what I can, when I can. I tend to stay away from things that make me uncomfortable. I try hard to view life in an optimistic way but I end up with a negative view that has been influenced by other people. Most of my life has been influenced by others and when I try to take a stand against it, it seems to fail. I try to work out of the cycle but of course, What comes around goes around.

        As a so-called "Military Brat" I move around a lot. What I remember of my younger childhood is having to leave behind each place to go to a new one. A move would be stressful on my whole family but we stuck together. My mother would encourage me while my father helped me through it. As I got older though, each move became harder and harder. The worst had come and gone, each time I wanted to ask for help but I resisted in the small chance that I was just simply over reacting. I prayed that I would be able to stay in a place where I would be able to call home. 

        There was one place in all my moves that I loved with all my heart. This one place I had lived before when I was younger and I remember it well from then. This one place that made me feel safe and feel comfortable. But then the period of bliss was over when my Dad got a job in a place that was far from the bliss. We had to move from one continent back to the one I was born in. It was heartbreaking but I knew this was just another move and I would somehow get over it. But for some reason I couldn't. I couldn't just let myself forget the love I had for this special place. Although sadly I had to go, as they say "You go where the army sends you."

        The whole trip is now a blur to me, even though it only happened two years ago. Leaving behind friends and a hope that I had finally found my happy place. I left it though. I left all of it and I regret not enjoying the place more.  Moving from a place that you love to one that you absolutely detest is hard. 

        Starting a new school, though, is even harder than anything for me. I have a hard time opening myself up to other people because I'm afraid that if I do, I'm just going to have to leave them. The anxiety leading up to the first day of school, my first day ever of High school, was so agonizing that I actually made myself sick thinking about it. I didn't want to start over and I didn't want to go through another year of torture. But I had to do it. 

        I don't see myself as a weak person. I want to be strong, mentally and physically. Whenever i cry, whether it be from an overload of stress or just sadness, I cant take it or control it. I have had a problem showing and controlling my true emotions. I put on a mask to show everyone that I can be okay like them, I can be strong and I can be brave enough to step out my door every mourning and face the world. The problem with all of this though, is that when it comes to other people, I can never show them how I really feel and I cant seem to be able to tell them either. Whenever someone asks me if Im okay when Im clearly not, I put on my brave face, give them a smile and say "Im fine."  This can be very draining and it never always works, no matter how hard I push myself I cant tell  them the truth, the real truth.

        The move caused me to put on this mask and block out most people. When I went to school I focused on anything but people or I just went on doing my work. Even when I tried to talk to people, the air of awkwardness that surrounded me drove them away and this caused me to shut down even more. My mom would try to encourage me the best she could and I appreciated it but I couldnt get over my anxiety of leaving one home to go to this one. Then one day she came up to me before school and asked me a question that pushed me to finally do something and this simple question was; "Will you try to make friends today?" 

And I said Yes.

        I pushed myself into finally doing some by giving myself pep talks. On the bus I finally did it, I talked to a person sitting next to me and they talked back. I became friends with them and then I started making more friends.  Although I didn't become extremely popular, I had friends and that was important to me.  

        I cant say that I don't still hide what I'm feeling but I'm trying to let them out more. When I finally said yes to my mother, to that simple question it made me think and I realized I didn't just say yes to that; I said yes to letting my fears go, I said yes to letting the anxiety that controlled me go, I said yes to letting other people in and I said yes to myself, I said yes to that one question that bugged me; Will you be able to let go of the past?

        While I miss the place I used to call home, I'm finally happier than I would have been if I had stayed the way I was. I'm finally able to admit to myself that I don't have to be controlled by a place, but I can be driven to working hard and possibly going back.  I know I will have to leave again but I also know I will be able to finally let go of what was controlling me all through the first few weeks of high school. I'll be able to see that I will be okay in the end and most important I will see that even though things may seem bad, I will overcome the obstacles that are in my way and I am entirely grateful for realizing that.