The Zebra

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

The doctor came took blood, did tests and left. I am left feeling exhausted, nauseous and having medicine bags.  The doctor said that with the medicine the vomiting, bowel movements and the tiredness apparently will be fixed. The tiredness isn't new so it can't be fixed.

A few days later, the medicines helped ease everything but it was still there and I could barely keep anything down. I learned later from my trusted doctor that I had more issues than I could handle. "Look Raven, we've fixed your heart to the best of our ability. Now it seems your intestines are our new issue, so we are going to arrange for some tests like x-rays and an endoscopy. For the endoscopy, we have to be very careful since you'll be going under," he said and sighed, he paused for a couple seconds and then continued, "I believe you might have a very bad version of GERD (Gastroesophogeal Reflux Disorder). You seem to be suffering to keep anything down. Anyways, when we get you there we will arrange for x-rays of your joints for a checkup."

"Thanks doc!" I said happily. He sighed and walked away. He's wasting away because of me, I wonder how his family feels about me and his job. Silent tears fall down my blazing cheeks. I then take a few steps to a wheelchair they've provided, because otherwise I'll fall like a sack of bricks. They take me to an ambulance and I'm escorted to the hospital in style. We arrive to the familiar surroundings, the staring faces and the annoyed looks that plague everyone's face I've ever seen. No understanding, no guilt, no pity, no compassion for the little sick girl who has no control of her life, heck she hasn't got a life anymore. I sigh deeply at the thought, I used to have friend but now I know they were never really my friends. They hated me for who I am.

The tests were done for now. "It's been confirmed! You have GERD and you don't need to go for an endoscopy. It's so clear on this x-ray,"he said cheerily. "So what's the good or bad news?" I said skeptically. "Well," he said, "um...you've got it so bad that it seems you can't eat anymore. Like few foods get along with your stomach so the only solution is tube-feeding. I'm not a hundred percent sure whether it's this only Raven. Don't get your hopes up until I'm one hundred percent done with my research." I sighed deeply and nodded. "Thanks a lot by the way," I said realizing what a pain in the butt of a patient I am and I continued, "I hope I'm not destroying your life too."

"Look Raven, its my job and I don't like seeing people die because I've experienced heartache, not knowing what was wrong with my sister and no one believing her until she died. She made me write on her grave, 'See I was really sick'. Till this day I don't know what she had, but you might be my answer because she had the exact same things happening to her but she died and I wont let that happen to someone else's sister," he said with tears in his eyes. I hugged him tightly and cried. "Write that on my grave too, for my mum," I said sadly. "You need to go back to that psychologist," he said like a father. I nodded kindly, feeling a little less alone in this world.

I stayed in the hospital until they put the tube in and I waited a few weeks until I finally went home. A few weeks later, I got a call from my doctor. "Hey Raven, is your nurse there?" He asked seriously. "Yeah she's here," I said in loads of pain. It feels like someone was continuously throwing bricks on me, electrocuting me and then putting cold and boiling water on me. After their long conversation about meds and my life, I get the chance to talk to him. "Hey Raven! Ok so I've got news. Before we put your tube in, we were monitoring your food intake before, after and during. I realized it sounded very familiar to something I'd heard before. It's called Gastroparesis, now GERD and this are quite related. So GERD is a form of reflux where your food comes up after you eat, like heartburn," he said excitedly. "Yeah I know we talked about this but what's the other thing," I said worried. "Well Gastroparesis is when your body can't digest the food completely because the muscles are too weak, so the body makes the food come back up which is what happens to you, you also cant seem to handle it even if there's no food. This is due to the fact that the secretions of the pancreas and other things are also being rejected," he concluded proudly.

"So more problems," I say dejectedly. "Not exactly, we've kind of already solved that problem," he said happily. "Oh the tube!" I say gratefully. "Is that it?" I ask kindly. "Yeah, the nurse has been watching you and you say that you sleep at night but when you wake up you don't feel like you've slept at all right?" He says confidently. "Yeah," I say curiously. "Well I've finally figured that one out! You have Chronic Fatigue syndrome! This is as condition where when you do physical or mental activity it's exhausting in a sense, so when you rest it doesn't help. You just feel tired no matter what, but this I cant fix! You just have to use the Spoon Theory," he says sweetly. I sigh deeply! All this stuff. All this trauma. For so long and finally I'm getting answers. I'm finally here. "Thanks a lot!" I say happily and hang up.

All these things killing me slowly. Nothing to hide them from my face but unseen by many. I feel them killing me but no one sees the invisible eating em from within. I cry out but no one believes and I'm left all alone to my own devices. To fend for myself, to fight for myself and to make my case. What you don't believe doesn't always not exist just because you don't want it too.