It's Always Been You [h.s.]

Part Nine

My eyes travelled around my room and it seemed like someone had cleaned it up. The memories suddenly filled the room. When the first time Harry had come here. When he'd taken care of me when I'd been sick. When he'd taught me the lessons from school. When he'd sung to me with his beautiful deep voice. When we'd laughed together. When we'd shared bed and done nothing but talked for hours while he'd hugged me and held my hands lovingly. When I'd cried over him almost every day because he'd never visited me anymore. And when we'd fought.

The door suddenly opened. I startled and abruptly moved aside even though I knew no one could see me. Next, I saw Harry standing behind the door. His eyes looked puffy, like they were out of tears. He looked tired and his face was pale. I worried he hadn't slept since that day.

Then he walked in, put a chair beside my bed, and slumped down on it. For a moment, he just stared at my bed as if I was lying on it. After a minute wasted, he finally sighed.

"I received your letter," he said, holding out a letter.

I stared at that letter but I had no idea what letter it was. Without giving me time to remember, he started to read it out.

"Missing someone is wonderful and painful at the same time. The painful part is a day feels very long because you can't meet that person you love. But the wonderful part is it makes you realise that you have someone to care about.

I really miss you, Harry...

People say a boy and a girl will never be 'just friends'. I agree with them. I don't remember when exactly the first time I felt these feelings about you, when the first time my stomach spawned butterflies just by seeing you. I wish you knew that when I think of you, my heart beats uncontrollably. When you hold my hand, I feel warm and safe. When you hug me, I want the time to stop ticking so you don't have to let me go.

I did wonder what were your thoughts about me. 'Do you feel the same?' 'Am I not the only one who feels like this when we're together?' 'Do you love me like I do?'. Those are what I always questioned on my mind. But then I saw you with those girls. Your cheeky smile, your warm hug, your green eyes, your beautiful voice, they're not only mine anymore. You may think that I'm selfish, but I admit I am. I don't want other girls to have you but I know you only see me as your sister all along. Haha I'm such a moron, thinking we'd be more than friends someday.

The worse thing is we're further away day by day. That's why I don't have the nerves to confess my feelings to you. I don't want everything to be much worse. I don't want us to feel awkward with each other. I just don't want our friendship to last because of it all.

I hate farewell, Harry, especially to be part with you. But people die every day. That's life. I know I eventually shall say goodbye to you. Everything has become worse. People say the best medicine is to be there right next to the one you love. I thought everything would be better when you finally visited me, but it turned out to be so much worse.

Did you know that I love the way you smile that shows off your dimples? That I love the way you make me feel special and how your presence has been the first thing in my dreams? No, you didn't. And I bet you completely have no idea how often you've hurt me and how much tears I've been wasting on you.

I'm writing this letter after we had a fight. It hurts my heart so much. Yes, my heart is literally aching right now. I can barely breathe. But I'm forcing myself to write this letter because I think I have to write down what I feel on this paper before everything's too late.

I know you'll never love me back. I know you'll never be mine. I'd rather die with pieces of wonderful memories about you than be alive with that bitter reality. All you have to know is I love you, Harry, more than you'll ever know and I always will even though I'm no longer alive. My love for you is the precious thing that I'll take to the final rest."

I froze. I had forgotten about that letter. I had saved it in my drawer. It was probably my mum who had found it when she'd cleaned my room and given it to him.

Harry quickly removed his tears. "I'm sorry..." he rasped. "I've said it for billion times to your parents, but I just can't stop. Even though they said it wasn't my fault, but I know it was. If I had come that night, you wouldn't have..."

He drowned his face in his hands. I came closer to him and saw his body shaking from crying. I really wanted to put my hand on his shoulder, hug him, and tell him that it wasn't his fault. But I knew I couldn't.

His head tilted up. "I wish it was just a dream. I wish you were still here lying on your bed while smiling at me. I wish we could spend our time together longer, or at least, I had a chance to hug you for one more time. I wish... I wish..." He shot away as he ruffled his curls, holding back his tears. "Shit!"

I'd never seen him like that before. He looked really depressed, wasn't like Harry that I'd known. I wanted to sit in front of him, brush his tears off his face and whisper to him to stop regretting everything that had happened. But it was impossible.

"The words that you last left, up to now is replaying continuously in my head and you have no idea how my heart still hurts. If... If only I would be able to meet you for the last time, I wouldn't ask for more."

He breathed in sharply and let it out. He was silent for a moment.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I really am." His voice pained. "If it was possible, I'd like to switch life with you. So you didn't have to feel all those pains. So it was me who died, not you..."

I could feel sadness wash over me. I wanted him to stop saying his regret words. I wanted him to know that I didn't blame him at all. He wasn't the one to blame. I'd gotten a feeling my time would come in a short time. It was what we called destiny.

I eyed something on my bed. It was a photo of me and Harry with random expressions on our faces from, like, 4 years ago. I remembered I had attached it with the letter.

Suddenly, Harry took that photo. After he stared at it for a few seconds, he gave it a little smile. "I wish you could see this," he whispered as he rubbed my head in that photo.

Then he leaned it against the lamp on my bedside table. I looked at the photo and accidentally saw a writing at the edge of it. I gasped when I read it. I was about to cry, but I couldn't. I just froze.

"I wish it wasn't too late, but," he clenched his fists, tears started rolling slowly down his face again, "yes, I love you too. It's always been you..."

***

(the end)