It's Always Been You [h.s.]

Part Seven

My parents were going out. My mum had told me that she didn't want to leave me alone but I had said to her it was okay, I needed some time to be alone anyway. And here I was, lying alone in my room while looking out of the window.

The day after tomorrow was a big day for me. My surgery day. Yeah, a few days ago my doctor had told me that my pneumonia made my health worse and I wouldn't survive if I didn't do a surgery, despite the fact that the surgery only guaranteed me to be alive for 20%.

I chuckled to myself. Well, I didn't know what I was worth living for anymore anyway. The only ones who cared about me were my parents. Maybe they would be even better if I died so they didn't have to spend any more money for my sick body. My existence in this world just troubled them.

That was why I'd easily agreed with the surgery, I'd even asked my doctor to make it sooner than it should be. I didn't care if I'd be alive or not after doing it. I gave up with my fucking life. I was sick of it. I just couldn't stand it any longer.

I glanced at bouquets of flowers on a table. My mum had told me they were from Harry. I knew he came to visit me everyday, but I always tried my best to pretend to be asleep when he was here. I literally didn't want to see him anymore.

He always whispered 'I'm sorry' next to my bed, but I endeavoured not to open my eyes and say 'apology accepted'. I didn't want to be fooled again. Enough for me. To be honest, it was actually hard to ignore him. I hated how I couldn't stop thinking about him even it always made me cry. But I just couldn't hate him. I would never be able to. I was too in love to hate him.

I took a deep breath. I really should stop crying over him. I should enjoy the little rest of my life.

I pressed a button to call a nurse. Not long, a nurse came in and I said to her I wanted to get some fresh air. She offered me a wheelchair but I refused it. I told her I still could walk with my own feet then she walked me to the backyard.

We sat down on a bench and I felt a bit happier here. I loved the sound of rustling leaves. I loved the smell of fresh grass. I loved when the wind rubbed my skin softly. And suddenly I felt someone touch my shoulder and I found out it was Harry.

"Hey," he said blandly.

I didn't answer him. I tried not to look at him. The moment of that night started replaying in my mind again and I closed my eyes trying to make it disappear.

"Hey," he said again in the same way.

I kept quiet. I wanted him to leave, like, now.

"Please, listen to me." He kneeled down in front of me. "Please don't look away." He tilted my chin with his fingers.

I pushed it aside. "What do you want, huh? Lie to me again?"

"Um, miss," my nurse awkwardly interrupted, "if you need some privacy with him, I'll leave you both alone. I'll be waiting right there until you finish."

"No!" I abruptly stopped her to get up. "I'm going with you."

"No, no, please," he grabbed my wrist. "Please, there's something I need to talk to you."

His green eyes looked right into my eyes. I quickly looked away before I couldn't stop myself from hugging him. I shot my nurse a sign to leave us alone and Harry took a seat right beside me after my nurse left. For a while, no one talked. I could feel his deep gaze on me even though I wasn't looking at him.

He suddenly took my hand after clearing his throat. "Basically-"

"Don't touch me!" I exclaimed as I pulled my hand.

I saw a pained look on his face that made me regret what I'd just done to him right away. It was funny how I didn't have a heart to hurt him while he easily did.

"Look, I'm sorry-"

"I forgive you," I cut him off without looking at him.

"You do?" He sounded baffled.

"I do."

"But-"

I gave him a sign to stop talking. "You don't need to make up an excuse," I snorted, giving him a fake chuckle. "I'm going to die anyway, I don't want it to be an unsolved problem. I just wanna enjoy my last days."

"Don't say that."

"Why? It's true, right?"

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is. I'm dying."

"No, you're not..." he whispered, his voice cracking.

"I am, Harry, I am," I emphasized every word as I turned my head, holding back my tears.

He went silent. I could see his eyes filled with tears then he shot away, not saying anything. He inhaled sharply.

"Two more days," I broke the silence, "until my surgery day."

He grabbed my hand, but this time I didn't pull it away. I wanted to feel his warm hands for the last time. I knew my cheeks pinkened. He didn't say anything for a moment, closing his eyes tightly to hide his tears.

When he finally opened his eyes, I saw tears welling up his eyelids. He swallowed then said with trembling voice, "Promise me, you'll survive."

I shook my head as I replied quietly, "I can't..."

"You can. You must be strong..."

"I am, Harry. See? I'm not crying, right?" I said in the strongest tone of voice I could find. It was really hard to smile when your tears were about to fall down so badly. "I am mentally strong now. You don't need to worry about me anymore."

He tightened his hands on mine. He swallowed again. "No... No... I-"

But my heart suddenly ached. I couldn't breathe and I held my chest so tightly. It wasn't like usual. I clamped down on Harry as I heard him calling my nurse in panic before I lost my consciousness.

***

(to be continued)