7. Safe

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"I don't do well with yelling."

August 18, 1992

Rochester, NY
9:00pm

Izzah. "Izzy"

The second I stepped out of the studio and into the quiet evening air, the weight hit me

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The second I stepped out of the studio and into the quiet evening air, the weight hit me. I didn't even realize how hard I was breathing until I sat down on Devante's porch steps. My chest felt tight. My hands wouldn't stop trembling.

I wasn't just embarrassed, I was... triggered.

The door creaked open behind me a moment later. I didn't look up. But the way the footsteps padded toward me? I knew it was Xina.

Without saying anything, she sat beside me and rubbed my back.

"Izzy..are you okay?" she asked softly, the kind of voice she used only when she was serious.

I shook my head, swallowing hard.

"I just...I don't do well with yelling, you know what I've been through" I muttered, wiping the corners of my eyes before anything could fall. "He was so..aggressive."

"I know Mamacita, but maybe he's just going through something. Remember earlier when that girl showed up here and he looked pissed off? Maybe it's that," she continued to rub small circles on my back.

I shrugged.

"Maybe, but he only yelled at me. Why would he take his anger out on me..what the hell did I do?"

"Nothing Izzy, you did absolutely nothing. I wish I knew why he screamed at you like that too, but I'm just as confused as you are."

I didn't say anything else, we just sat in silence while I calmed myself down. The sound of my sniffles filled the space occasionally. I glanced up at the stars in the night sky, blinking a few times to allow the excess tears fall.

A few moments later the front door behind us opened slowly, brightening up the dark space we sat in. I turned my head to see who it was but quickly turned back when I saw that it was DeVante looking down at us. I quickly wiped all my tears away and attempted to get myself together because I didnt dare want him to think he has this kind of power over my emotions.

Nervously clearing his throat, he spoke.

"Hey...Xina, can I talk to Izzy for a minute?"

"Sure."

She hugged my head before getting up and heading back inside.

I kept my eyes forward as Devante sat next to me. His cologne hit first—familiar now, even comforting, though I didn't want it to be.

There was a pause. I could feel him glancing my way, but I didn't look at him.

"Izzy..Im sorry I came at you like that back there," he finally spoke. "That should've never happened and I feel like shit...," He sounded sincere.

I still didn't look his way because I knew the moment I did,  I would become nervous again.

"It's cool." I simply said. I reached in the right pocket of my jacket, took out my shades and slipped them on. I feel some tears welling up again and I'll be damned if he see's them.

Licking his full lips, he shifted his focus to the ground.

"Naww it's not cool, you sounded perfectly fine in there. Look...to be completely honest I just haven't been in the best mood since my ex showed up earlier."

I snapped my neck towards him. That was his ex?

"Your ex?"

"Yeah man," he shook his head. "Imma get a little personal with you and hopefully this will make you feel better. Basically my ex Bianca and I dated for a year, we broke up earlier this year because she was cheatin. She tried to turn the shit on me by becoming real manipulative and crazy until I finally caught her ass. She tried to fuck with K-Ci, but of course K wasnt havin it and told me," he explained.

"Wait a minute..she tried to get with K-Ci?"

"Mmhm, go on and laugh I know you want to," he tried to make fun of the situation but deep down I know that it still bothers him.

He must've really loved this girl.

"No no, that's horrible DeVante...I'm so sorry that happened to you," I turned my head from the side of this face to the ground like his.

Our mannerisms are so similar that it's almost scary. Both quiet, both shy, and both fairly level headed...for the most part.

We sat in silence for a few moments before he spoke. 

He paused. "You sounded good in there, Izzy. Real good. I knew it the first time. I just... couldn't hear it through my own noise."

I felt that. The apology sat different than most. It wasn't performative. It was grounded. Honest.

Still, I stayed quiet a little longer.

Eventually, I sighed. "I'm not mad at you."

He turned to me, surprised.

"I mean, I am... but not like that. I just... don't do well with yelling," I said again. Slower this time. "For personal reasons."

I could see him turning to look at me from my peripheral, giving me his full attention as if he wanted me to explain further but I didn't. I couldn't.

There was a flicker in his eyes. A realization. He didn't press. Just nodded.

"I understand," he said. "I wont do that do you again. I promise."

And somehow, that landed heavier than a hug.

He didn't reach for me. Didn't scoot closer. He just sat there. Quiet. Present.

We stayed on the porch for a few minutes more, not saying anything. But for the first time all day, the silence didn't feel heavy.

It felt safe.

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