Bad Timing

Part 4

You thought the gap between what you wanted and what the reality was, is him. It was not, the gap was you.

Having made up your mind to remain a friend to Taehyung, you expended a lot of effort in the week following the 'cinema incident' making sure that you followed through. When he texted you to ask if you were ok, you responded in the most cavalier way you could think of. Seeing him around school, you would always endeavour to put on your most natural smile before walking past him as per usual. It would be a lie to say that it was not difficult on you; every time you reminded yourself to treat him just like you would treat a friend, you felt as if there were little pins pricking at your heart.

You could hear his voice, smell his scent and occasionally sense him looking at you, but you would do your utmost best to block out all of it and continue with your normal school life. There were a couple of times you contemplated explaining to him what had happened at the cinema. However, you had yet to come up with a good enough cover for what happened and the longer it took the harder it became for you to talk about it.

Jimin had come over to your table during lunch time on Monday to ask your gang whether any of you wanted to go watch their concert the coming Sunday. "Wouldn't it be weird to reject a friendly request to attend a concert? What was there to avoid? Just go", you thought to yourself right before you agreed to attend the concert. You were very mindful again, making sure to say it the most commonplace tone you could muster, since Taehyung also came over to your table.

On hindsight, Taehyung had once asked if you were interested in hip hop dances while you two were walking some of the dogs at the shelter and he broke out into a funky moonwalk to your amusement. Your appreciation for the performing arts was probably limited to listening to your favourite bands and it didn't seem to surprise to Taehyung either when you said "Not sure if I would be able to appreciate those moves", you said while laughing at his improvised performance.

"Don't you watch the idols on TV? Or do you happen to belong to a different generation, maybe you would prefer trot music?", he asked rather cheekily.

"Of course I watch the idols on TV, but I watch them for the pretty boys they are", you were up to the challenge in terms of cheekiness, "anyway, I prefer the singing bits over the dancing parts."

Come to think of it, he didn't mention anything about the concert. Did he not think that you may have wanted to go? Did he not want you to go?

–

Taehyung was unusually distant throughout the rest of the week, he hardly messaged you. Ironically, your new resolution to maintain a friendly distance made you more conscious about this. You weren't sure if this was because of what happened on Saturday and you were wary even to ask him whether he was coming to the shelter with you this Friday. Eventually, you decided to just see if he would turn up at the school gate, where you two would meet up, at the usual time.

He didn't turn up at the usual time and although this could be the epitome of a worthless dilemma, you had a tough time deciding whether to just go off or to send him a message to ask if he was coming today. Guess he wanted to see Lula off that day after all because he did end up running to the school gate ten minutes late.

–

As you watched Lula leave with her new owner, Suzy, you blinked away the tears that had welled up in your eyes. You wanted to be happy that Lula found a new home, but at the same time you couldn't shake off your worries. Similarly, Lula was very dependent on you and for that matter, Taehyung too, probably because the both of you were the first to take care of her when she was brought to the shelter.

Nevertheless, she was special to you, painfully special because she reminded you of Snowy, who was once your beloved friend, and whom you will forever feel a sense of guilt and sorrow towards. This would explain why you had insisted that Lula's new collar would have both Suzy's contact number and yours on it, at least for the first year after her adoption.

–

Compounding the seriousness of the events of that day, Taehyung was very quiet when you two were leaving the shelter, so quiet that you felt a need to say something before you were breathless from the intensity of the silence between you two. You came up with the most reasonable thing you thought you could ask at that point, which was whether he was going back for dance practice. The conversation somehow led to you fretting that he'd go to practice hungry and you wanted to get him dinner from somewhere. Taehyung was still staring down at you intensely during the conversation without saying much. All you wanted to do was avoid any chance that he might see through your act of friendliness so you quickly evaded such a possibility by asking if Jimin, who was waiting for Taehyung, may need some sustenance as well.

"It's ok, you don't have to. Jimin isn't the only one waiting, Hyejin, Soohyun and the rest will be there too. We usually grab supper after practice anyway", Taehyung said.

Right. That was stupid of you to ask, why were you trying to intrude into their routine... you don't even belong there.

"But if you want to come and watch us practice, I think Jimin will be more than happy", he continued.

What was that? "Huh, why would he be...", you blurted out a reaction but was quickly cut off by Taehyung continuing his speech.

"Since you agreed to come to the concert for him, right... I will make sure he gets your friends and you some good seats. He's the guy in charge of our club anyway."

That was not why you agreed to go, but you were in no position to clarify it without risking letting Taehyung know that you wanted to go because of him. You were looking away from Taehyung in hopes that he will not catch the disappointment in your eyes – the disappointment that at no point Taehyung even considered that you wanted to go so that maybe you could understand him a little more, maybe you could get closer to him a little more.

"I think I'll go off first, all the best at practice...", you felt like your efforts throughout the week at persuading yourself to remain a good friend might crumble at any moment now. "See you all on Sunday then", you looked at him briefly, not sure what you were searching for in his eyes. As quickly as the crisis came, you made up the decision to retreat before further damage could be caused.

As you walked away from the school gate which Taehyung has probably entered right now, you were once again left wondering how long more you could keep up the pretence.

–

That Friday also marked the start of a short school break. And then, the day of the concert came.

Watching Taehyung perform on stage with his dance club friends made you realise why you had kept your distance from the popular kids in school in the first place. The people below the stage swooning at the people on stage, the people on the stage enjoying the affection. That was the life of the popular kids – a life that attracted attention and interest, a life that was mutual between the object and the subject. They knew they were popular, they knew others loved them and they were able to love themselves.

You, on the other hand, believed that unwanted attention and interest are burdensome. You were outgoing by choice, but you were hesitant often, being wary of other's judgments.

Maybe this was the paradox of your life, you kept up a constant pretence that you were happy, that you were alright, that you were just like everyone else. But you were still unhappy. Because you were not alright, because you had sadness and you had fears, and because you were incapable of showing it to anyone else.

At the root of it all, perhaps it was because you had convinced yourself that you were ultimately alone, that if the rain came falling down on you, nobody would be willing to stand in it with you.

You looked up at the concert banner with huge bold words, "Love Yourself: Chapter 1", the title of the concert.

You were not sad because you fell in love with a dandelion. You were not sad because the dandelion did not love you. You were sad because you hoped that the dandelion would love you, but in reality, even you could not love yourself.