Drowning my sorrows.

Chapter one(1)

I absolutely hate it when people say'' Oh, don't be sad, you'll get over it. Or, it's probably just a bad day, it'll end soon'' But it never does end, does it? They say time heals all wounds, but there's an exception for MY wounds. They've just gotten worse, and now, I've got so many, I can't even count. I'm in a dark hole, and during these last few days, it feels like I've gone deeper into it. I have gotten so deep, it feels like  I can never get out, maybe I don't want to.  It's been so long and I guess after a while, you get used to the emptiness inside. You're numb to it, it traps you, just like that. It's practically like death, except with death you don't feel the pain. Maybe I prefer death to this, this pool that I'm drowning in. I don't want to get out of the house, I never do. But today, I was forced to get out.

''Do you like this one?'' Suzanne's cheerful voice brought me to my senses. I looked up at her. She held a short red dress in her hands. It was strapless and low cut. It looked like it would only reach a little bit over my thighs.

''Um...'' I said.

Come on, Vaness, do you really think this dress would look nice on you? I mean, you're really overweight. Your body isn't right for this dress. It would be better if you stuck to oversized clothing, so nobody can tell your real body size. Anne said. 

She's right. My body is overweight, and big, this dress will probably be too tight on me anyway.

''No, it's not really my style,'' I said, pushing the dress away.

''I know you're just saying this because you're insecure. Come on, you'll look wonderful. Trust me'' Suzanne said. I nodded.

''No. I didn't even want to come clothes shopping anyways'' I muttered. Suzanne sighed and looked at me.

''Your'e going back to school soon, you need new clothes'' she told me. ''I have clothes, Suzanne. Now can we please leave?'' I said, folding my arms.

''I need to buy some stuff for myself. Your clothes are baggy and plain, don't you want better ones?'' she said to me, but I nodded.

''I like my clothes the way they are. Now, I'm gonna go wait in the car.'' and without waiting for her response, I left. I don't know why I'm always forced to do stuff I don't want to. I arrived at the car and opened the passenger door. Luckily, Suzanne hadn't locked the doors of the car. It's stupid if you ask me because someone could rob her like my depression had robbed me of joy.

Why did you agree to come along with Suzanne? What's the use of going out? You should have just stayed in bed. Devorah told me.

Devora's right, Vaness. It's not like you're going to find anything that hides your folds. What if people laugh at you? What if you get disgraced for wearing anything other than hoodies and oversized shirts. Anne said, and I agreed with both of them. They were both right. They were always right. It was always better to stay home, that way, I could lie quietly in my bed and drown in my anxiety.

My phone buzzed. It was aunt, the one who had forced me to follow Suzanne here.

''Hi, aunt'' I said.

''Hello, child. Have you found any new clothes?'' she asked.

''No, aunt. We're still looking'' I lied. ''Okay, child. Call me when you find some, okay?'' she said to me. ''Yes, bye'' she hung up and I put the phone back in my hood pocket. I felt something else in the pocket. It was mom and dad's wedding photo. I had no idea how it had gotten into the hood pocket. I could feel the warm tears fill my eyes as I stared at the picture.

It had been 3 years since their deaths but I still cry like a baby whenever I think about it.

Without them, I wouldn't be here. Well, I would be, but I wouldn't be so strong like this. Devorah's voice piped up. 

''You're right, Devorah. Very right. If those damn terrorists hadn't come to our house and shot them both, Anne wouldn't be here, and you wouldn't be so strong.'' I said, sighing.

And I and Anne won't be going anywhere. Devorah said, again. I sighed. 

''I really wish you guys weren't here. My life would be so much better. You always like talking to me, and your talking always makes me feel terrible'' I said.

''We're only trying to watch out for you and tell you the truth. We're your friends, Vaness. All your other friends are your friends only because of mere pity. You're too pathetic to be called their friends. We are the ones who care for you. Anne said.

I took a deep breath and sighed. Living with both of them was so painful. They were the reason why my life was such a mess, why I was so down all the time. I could see Suzanne coming towards the car with a huge bag. She sat in the driver's seat and passed me the bag.

''I got you a cute new crop top and mini-skirt. You'll definitely have all the boys staring if you wear this outfit,'' she said. I looked into the bag and I saw a red crop top and blue mini skirt. 

''They look nice'' I smiled to myself. It really looked beautiful.

Yeah, they'd definitely look nice, if they were on a slim and gorgeous girl. Come on, Vaness. I don't know why you want to keep fooling yourself that these clothes will fit you. Anne told me, and I looked at the mini skirt and the crop top. I had no idea why I wanted to wear cool clothes like this when I was too fat.

''I will lose weight and then wear them'' I said to Anne.

Haha. Losing weight might change the numbers on the scale, but it won't change your physical appearance. Anne said.

Yeah, what's the point of losing weight if you'll still be the ugly fat girl who hides her face in hoodies? Devorah agreed. I nodded.

''I agree with you guys. There's no use trying to lose weight if I'll look the same'' I said to them and put the clothes back in the bag. I put the bag in and we drove home. Aunt was there and she really wanted to see the clothes we had gotten. Of course, Suzanna had bought a lot of clothes for herself, and all I had to present were the crop top and mini skirt.

''Only this? My child, you are going back to school soon, in 2 days to be exact, and you've only gotten these clothes? I don't understand. Well, nevermind, I'm going to make some pancakes, if you want some, come to the kitchen.'' she said, and left. I walked up to my room and sat on my bed.

I was going to school in two days, I wasn't ready for school, I would be starting my sophomore year in high school. God, I just prayed that this year wouldn't be as hard as last year.