Broken hearts|Beronica

8.

Warning: Depressive thoughts

Veronicas POV:

The school day went by slowly, I didn't really listen to anyone, the teachers or Cheryl, Toni and even Kevin, my thoughts were pulling me away all day.

I'm feeling lonely, not the good kind of lonely when you're home alone in your bed and watching Netflix all day. It's the kind of lonely when you're feeling empty, like there's nobody by your side, even though people are around.

I'm alone.

I just want to get home, lie in bed and sleep, I am so tired, but I can't sleep. Everything is keeping me awake. Every conversation, every fight, every tear, every pain, everything that's fucking with my head.

And god, I'm so hungry, but when I think about food all I wanna do is throw up and never eat again. It feels like my body is full and ready explode with every food I eat.

When I finally arrive home the first thing I do is look for my parents, but gladly they are not here, it seems like they're still working. But honestly I don't care, I just want to forget, forget everything. And stop the thinking, stop the pain and stop more tears from falling.

I wish this would be a dream and that I would wake up soon or someone would wake me up, I don't care, I just don't want this to be real and as long as this stops. But this is real, this is my life, it's like a living nightmare.

You know that feeling in a nightmare, when the worst thing happens and you're waking up, happy it was just a dream. I feel that way, except that I do not wake up. Maybe it first has to get even worse for me to wake up, but what would be even worse than losing your boyfriend and best friend? Almost everything that you have that has a meaning to you.

Archie is an ass, I see that now. Even tough he always was a good boyfriend, but the way he broke up, that was dumb. I'm so mad at him, how could he do this to me? How could he forget everything? I want to forget.

But Betty...

I miss her and I need her so badly. She's probably never gonna talk to me ever again and  I understand that. I wouldn't talk to me either if I was Betty. But I don't know what to do without her, it feels so false fighting with her and not talking with her.

But I fucked up.

I want her to be happy and I know Jughead makes her feel this way. But I don't want them together, I don't know why and that's fucking with my head.

Maybe Toni's right, but what if, I really don't want that to be true. Then I'd lose her completely.

Look at her, she's perfect, her eyes are always shining like green diamond, her beautiful blond hair, always up in her iconic cute ponytail. Her kissable pink lips and that cute smile. I love her smile. And her body, oh god, she looks so beautiful, everything about her is beautiful.

And she's the cutest human I ever met, she's kind to literally everyone and I don't think there's one bad bone in her body. And she's so smart, I feel like she known everything. And she always fights for the people she loves, that's one big thing I love about her.

Maybe Toni is right and I truly like her more than a friend should, but now she's gone anyway and I don't have to think about it any longer. I don't know how I could let her go. I ran away, I left her. I feel awful and that feeling needs to go away.

So I go into the office of my dad to find another bottle of whiskey, then I get a Glas and go to my room. It still tastes awful, but I need to drown my thoughts and to forget.

I drank three glasses successively and felt myself getting lightheaded. The alcohol was suddenly hitting me hard and it felt good.

I know alcohol isn't good for you, especially when your underage, but it's like you can forget everything, you're feeling good for a moment until it goes away and everything and everyone is coming again with brutally headache. But it's okay, as long as I'm feeling good for just a small amount of time.