the sky is all i have

venus1

at night, i try to spend my time untangling the strings in my mind. the cotton threads of "why am i here?" and "why am i not?". the answers knotted together and the questions hanging lose. but the strands are too debilitated and feeble for my fingerprints. my fingerprints, those that leave its mark over the ball of desolated confusion, only make the profusion worse. i know the strings are intertwined with my other thoughts. woven in and out of the crevices of my brain. i need to know if this, this disarray, will remain. i dont know how long i can deal with this mess.

how the day was underwhelming, cameron wasn't in form that day, nor was any other of the students in his year, i assume it isn't compulsory for them to attend. the day was underwhelming. without cameron, everything was underwhelming- more underwhelming than usual. emilia wasn't in either, i spent the breaks with madison in the library. it was very peaceful, in comparison to breaks with emilia, where she would make me follow her around the school, talking to over 20 people. madison and i shared a packet of salted popcorn from the canteen and played stupid games on our phones, talking about the simplest of things. the weather was still poor. only 3 stood in the courtyard, the rain poured and the wind blew over bins and benches; i would say it's still dangerous weather, but it wouldnt look good for the school to have 2 inset days on the first week back. 

it was period 7, maths, and the lesson had 20 minutes left. mr bauer was explaining the Pythagoras theorem on the whiteboard, all students talking amongst each other as his back was turned. luckily for me, Pythagoras was something i understood, so i did the practice questions quickly so i could sit in silence and think. usually, i dont like to think, but something crossed my mind. or someone. at that moment i had decided that cameron was losing interest. something apart of me just knew that i was not worthy of his attention, the attention of the cameron hill. i couldnt help but feel special, maybe im naive, or bored of having 2 friends, but something about cameron hill didnt sit well with me. it was thrilling, and i was bored of sitting. i want to run free. he would only notice me for so long, before 'venus' turns to 'vee'. i think im fine with that. i just want to run free. 

the noise of shoes squeaking against the corridor floor causes all students heads to lift from their books in sync. all eyes were on the door. about 5 students laughed and shrieked as they dashed past our classroom. i see aysha leading the group, her nose ring sparkling predominantly in the ivory light. walking behind them was a boy who was rubbing his hair, his head turns to the inside of the classroom. it was cameron. i, all of a sudden feel panicked. he scans the classroom smirking until he meets my eyes. he stops walking immediately, causing his airforces to squeak against the floor. everyone is looking at him. he knocks on the door. mr bauman, unimpressed.

"excuse me sir, can i borrow venus please." he is trying to hold back his excitement. 

i dont want to be involved in whatever he's doing. i am a quiet student. i dont get in trouble and i put my head down. whenever someone tells me off in anyway, i have to contain my tears. my nose heats up and my throat gets tight. i hate crying.

"what for mr hill?"

quinn, who sits at the front of the class, turns her head to me and shoots me a vexatious look. i had never spoken to her before, but she knew me. obviously.

"miss rawlings needs to talk to her about the production." 

which i am not in this year.

"okay, get your stuff vee."

i am bewildered. he literally witnesses him and his friends running in the corridors during timetable. the whole class is looking at me. so is cameron. he widens his eyes to say 'come on then.'