the sky is all i have

saturn1

i woke up with flakes of dirt in my eyelashes and salty lips. i sit up, the room spins and my thigh sends a streak of pain down my leg. holding the palm of my hand against my temple and tightly shutting my eyes, i wait for the feeling to go away. it didnt, but it didnt hurt so bad after a few minutes. checking my phone for the time, i see about 30 notifications on my phone. never have i had this many. a feeling of excitement overtakes me, until i remember yesterday. yesterday.

5:47am saturday14th September 2019

snapchat:

cam:) is typing
cam sent you a message x10
finn sent you a snap x2
emilia tried to call you x3
harrybren10 added you as a friend
levicross_ sent you a message

instagram:
emiliatheprettiest sent you 10 messages
camxhill requested to follow you
camxhill requested to message you
harrybrennon_ sent you a dm x4
wavyhayden1 requested to follow you
levicross_ sent you a message x2
finnacton sent you a message x6
madisonlouise liked your picture
madisonlouise commented on your picture
madisonlouise sent you a message x3

other people, who i know of but have never talked to, also messaged screenshots of groupchats with people talking about me. things like "venus and her brother are toxic" and just spreading rumours. calling me things like "slut".

i open the messages, all except cameron's. i couldn't bare to. emilia told me that everyone was talking about me in the 'popular people' group chats, she was asking if she could see me. i told her i would meet her at 3pm. although i didn't feel like talking about it, i wanted her to hear it from me.

harry, levi and hayden asked if i was okay and they told me to talk to cameron. madison asked if i was okay and i asked her to meet me with emilia. i barely meet them outside of school, but the park across the road to my house technically isnt going outside, outside of the estate, outside of my comfort zone. finn asked me to come out of my room to talk.

i want to open his messages. i cant bring myself to see the words. the words of 'i realised what finn said was true, i cant be with you.' my finger hovered over his name, mud deep under my fingernails. i breathe in, feeling ill. i click. the messages appear, but all is blurry. i couldnt tell if it was because there were tears in my eyes or my bruised head. my phone drops to the floor, causing a thud. after rubbing them profusely, my eyes focus themselves again. as i pick up my phone, the same pain in my left thigh returns. looking at the screen. its so very clear.

camxhill:(requested)
venus.
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry for not saying anything to him.
i'm sorry for not keeping my arms around you.
i'm sorry for letting you walk out alone.
please text me
are you okay?
please tell me you're okay?
where are you?
are you safe?
please, venus.
for gods sake are you okay?
i need to know you're okay.
venus, please open my messages.
you can tell me to go away just let me know you're safe.
venus.
i'm sorry.

i dont answer because i dont know what it means. not that i do know what a lot things mean. i push my bed back against the far wall and take a shower. sitting down. i watch the yellow and brown water slip down the drain. i scrub harshly against my skin, including my face, causing it to go a deep red. my hip was overspread with mauves and ceruleans. the pressure of the water against my scalp reminded me of the feeling, before the other. the feeling of him, before the feeling of everyone else.

as i open the bathroom door, my mother walks in, ignoring me completely and placing herself on the toilet.

"you need to come and help me at work today." she says yawning.

mother was made the manager of the barber last month, and has been left to deal with the lack of staff, usually on weekends where there aren't many workers i come in to wash hair and answer calls on desk. i needed this. i needed to get out and away. out of my head a little bit.