On holiday in Barbados at the age of 11, I come down to the restaurant to meet my parents, I get my food and sit down. Stare at the array of delectable food on the white China, I look up to see my mum, dad, brother and sister tucking in to their food as I pick up the gleaming silver, and start to enjoy my meal.
My family soon finish and my siblings go up to get more food, I push my chair back to stand up and follow the pair, my dad glares at me, looking me up and down, "you should stop eating. You're fat."
I put my plate down and excuse myself from the table, my family aware of the small turmoil they caused my self conscious. I walk at pace to the bathrooms, lock myself in the toilets and tell myself that it's okay, that I'm not fat, that my family love me really.
I walk to my grandmas house to go and visit her close to Christmas Day when I was 12, greeted by my other family members I walk to the living room where my grandma was, a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug, "that t-shirt used to suit you, until you started to bulk up. I bought those jeans!"
The small turmoil grew each day with every apathetic glance, the long stares and the comments "you're chunkier...but it's just puppy fat..."
I'm now sixteen years old, my mother makes comments when I feel at my strongest in confidence, "you're getting so fat" she exclaims whilst on call to my sister and in front of my dad, they don't see the tear form in my eye, I walk to another room at my normal pace to not cause any problems to the two, the tears slip out of my eyes and so do the small whimpers, they grow, like the turmoil, which is now my level of insecurity, biting down on my hand as hard as I can to try avoid making any noise as my eyes ache with the tears I've been keeping for years.
My face, my legs, my stomach, my arms, my back, my butt, I could judge all of the above, because I wasn't brought up being told I was beautiful, I was brought up being told to lose weight, now I realise that my confidence is not dependent on those who call themselves my family, it is dependent on how I view myself. My cellulite, my scars, the marks and the fat do not define me, they don't define you.
YOU ARE READING
I'll never be the same.
PoetrySome poetry, based around my latest relationship. I mean no one any harm by my writing, but rather to share my experiences and emotions. With like-minded folk.
