My Body, His Canvas

L O V E

The mornings after

At some point I was way too deep in it that I couldn't even save myself. I was in love with him and he remained all the less interested. But oh, remembering the touch, his kiss, his erect length grazing against the walls of my vagina. I yearned for his presence when I woke up. My heart was broken into a million pieces, noticing he wasn't there to hold me and to greet me, to give me his warmth and to kiss me, to make weird jokes and to play with his phone. I wanted it all in the morning, I wanted him for ever after, I craved his love forevermore. I couldn't imagine it not happening, even after he made clear that he was done with me. I was too fixed on getting what I wanted and I thought, I knew that he was who I wanted and I thought that I'd surely get him to be mine even if it was only for a while. I loved him, I LOVED YOU.

S E L F D E S T R U C T I N G

L O V E

"What is love", we often find ourselves occupying ourselves with this question. What the fuck is love for fuck's sake? Why does it hurt to love someone who doesn't love you back? Why do we expect to be loved in return for loving someone? Why are we so needy when we're in love? Why is love almost the same as drugs? Why do we get so addicted to a certain touch or a certain comfort by that certain person? Why, just why? Right? That's what you're thinking too sometimes, maybe too often even.

Stop wasting your time trying to figure it out, especially if you're an adolescent. Stop trying to know everything. Stop trying to prevent people from hurting, stop trying to prevent yourself from hurting even. You will get hurt regardless and you'll end up hurting others too. It's just the world in which we live. It's life, it's you, it's me, and it's all of us combined. We, the pain we cause, the love we give and receive, the betrayal, the hate, the emotions and the moods, it's all very inevitable. Don't try to change it, don't try to change yourself because of it. There's no need.
"Fuck love", we often find ourselves shouting it out, believing it, and adapting it as our life long motto. But don't fuck love, here's why: it's addictive and it's sickening, it's hurtful and it happiness, it's all the good we want out of life unless it's being manipulated. But even so it's worth a try. It's worth every bad luck charms we have, because even heartbreak can be a feeling so satisfying to the heart.
I was crazy and in love with him. And I was willing to get broken by him. I was willing to let him do with me whatever he felt like. I trusted him immensely. I believed he's human just as I am. He may have been hurt and he may have lost his way, but I was there to stay. And I was there to love him even when I was no longer whole. I was willing to destroy all I was to show him a love so deep and so unstoppable. He would see me for who I really was.

Love me, love me not, I was convinced that I would love him endlessly.

A half year later, and I was still in love with him the same as when I wrote these words written above. I was broken and shattered still, but I loved him and missed him all the same. I wish all of you who are reading this get to experience a love or a bond as strong as my love for the person I wrote about, but I wish that when you do, that the person gives you the same love and affection in return. Because if not, you'll end up losing your worth just like I did. And that's the most and only regrettable part you'll never get over.

___________________________________________________________________________

August 2017 I started writing this book.
August 15th, 2019 I finish this book and publish it again for the third time.

I don't know if any of you will learn from it, but I'm putting it out there regardless. Hope you like it in any case.

Love,

Alyssa