Speechless: REWRITTEN

7. Calluna

Gianna

I find a balcony off of a sitting room upstairs to clear my head. The chilliness of the Baltimore air is nipping, hopefully knocking some sense back into my brain. The truth is that I truly wasn't mad at Roscoe for the way he treats me. I was upset for the way he doesn't treat me. We have the world's friendliest relationship, and while that's something amazing and I treasure it, I can't help but feel like we're missing something. That one thing that will change the game of who we are as friends and roommates. Yes, we bicker a lot, but I bicker with all of my friends, including Cheyenne, despite her not being a 'bickering' person.

I talk about her like she's even contacted me in the last twelve months.

I never felt more stuck than I have in my life. Knowing he came from these people and I still want to get involved with him. It seems like a trainwreck waiting to happen. We seem like a trainwreck waiting to happen. I glance back into the dark sitting room, the sheer curtains blowing into the balcony with the wind, and then back at the trees of the backyard.

Who am I kidding? I'm not Cheyenne and Roscoe isn't Mordecai. We're not a love story waiting to happen. He isn't going to lay his eyes on me and decide that I'm someone he has to have. We're not going to go on dates or rendezvous. He won't kiss me like it's the only thing he's ever wanted to do. I'm just a stupid kid to him, why would he want to do that?

I'm so pathetic.

"This is a nice place to be alone."

I turn around to see Roscoe stepping out onto the balcony with me. He looks around the atmosphere, a little mesmerized.

"Well, I'm not alone anymore, aren't I?" I reply quietly, turning back to the trees.

He leans on the balcony railing with me, but doesn't say anything. I feel the sudden urge to run away again, but I force myself to stay. I have to confront these feelings instead of just acknowledging that they're there and leaving it at that. I'm an adult, I can be upfront now.

But before I can, he speaks. "I'm nothing like my family. You know that, right? I don't want to be anything like them."

"Oh..." I didn't want to just keep silent.

"I...I respect you so much, Gianna. Going to work at five in the morning, going to class in the afternoon, doing homework and dealing with my bullshit at night. You're so much more than those mindless women downstairs. You have opinions and you're not afraid to express them. I really admire that about you."

"I guess..." I huff, my throat feeling tighter than normal, which makes me feel breathless. "I guess...it doesn't matter."

I can't tell him. We still have to live together. I can't make things awkward. But my chest feels so heavy that I feel as if I might suffocate.

"I can't make you talk to me. I guess that was my mistake all day. I can't force things out of you. But I want you to know that we don't have to be like this. We can start over, maybe not be raging assholes to each other." I look at him to see that he's already looking at me. Maybe he has been the whole time. "I want you to trust me."

"Why do you need my trust? Once I finish at Juilliard, I'll be out of your hair. Maybe even sooner than that."

"What if I don't want you out of my hair?" I look away from him, my heart doing weird things when he said that. "Maybe that's what you want, and maybe I've forever ruined any healthy friendship we could have, but I'm not the type of person to throw away something that could be good if we really tried."

"But why do you care?"

"I don't have to have an ulterior motive to give a shit about you, Gianna. I just do. You sound like someone who's been hurt."