Sexiest Man Alive

8| Went on a Date Once, it was Awful

"Okay self," Izaya stared at his reflection in the mirror. "I think it's time we both came to terms with the situation of our dear annoyance, Shizu-Chan," he nodded and glanced at the clipboard. "Subject causes an increase of heart rate, the redness of cheeks, and various other forms of annoyance." Izaya sighed and threw the clipboard behind him. He stared at himself in the mirror, pointing to it, and frowned. "That can only mean one thing. I really like him, right?" He crossed his arms and sighed again, shaking his head at his own reflection. "How could you do this to yourself, self? Just recently you were at the top of your career, living the dream until someone took the #1 spot of sexiest man alive. And now look how far you have fallen. You've fallen so far as to actually fall for another member of the human race. It's disgraceful!" 

Izaya gestured to his phone. "Not only that, self, but you've agreed to go on a date with said specimen! How could you do this! You, the same person that has literally two outfits in your closet, agreed to go on a date! What if the paparazzi comes along? What then? Do you want to be on the front page of every tabloid ever?!" Izaya threw his phone at the mirror. It cracked. The mirror, of course, not the phone, the phone had the best protective case money could buy. 

"Okay, okay, it's okay, self, we can recover from this," Izaya ran his hand through his hair. "Just cancel. Right? Say we got the flu or something?" He shook his head. "No, because that idiot knows my address and would insist on nursing me back to health. There is no getting out of this one, self." 

Izaya sunk to the floor of his bathroom, wishing to become one with the ground. He growled and stood back up again, opening his door, only to find that the one and only Shizuo was there ten thousand years too early. Izaya wasn't even wearing clothes. The two stared at each other, from the mere ludicrousness of this situation, and Izaya closed the bathroom door again. 

"Self, how the fuck did Shizu-Chan get in? Did you get drunk again? Did you give him a key? Does he know by the powers of the unknown how to walk through walls?" Izaya grabbed the edge of his broken mirror and shook violently. He was only shaking himself because the mirror was mounted to the wall, but he shook all the same. 

"I'm not wearing clothes!" Izaya could feel that annoying redness coming to his cheeks. "It's okay, it's okay, I can recover from this. I'm a model. That requires some acting. Okay, self, I'm just going to walk out there like I completely expected him and get dressed. It's going to be fine! Of course! Completely A-ok." 

Izaya took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom. He walked over to his closet, ignoring Shizuo completely, and got dressed. Or, he would've, but Shizuo wrapped those nice big strong arms of his around Izaya's waist. He blew on Izaya's bare neck. Izaya tensed and let out a small "eep!" Izaya slammed his hand right on his mouth and thought happy thoughts. He was not going to allow his ears to encounter the same redness of his face. He was a strong independent model that ain't need no man. He didn't just squeal! He didn't. Not allowed. Never happened. Can't prove it. 

Shizuo smiled. Izaya frowned. "Hands off the merchandise," Izaya slapped Shizuo's hands with his. "Go wait in the living room if you can't behave you bastard bitch of a bleached blonde brute." Shizuo nodded and retreated. The second he closed the door, Izaya became a puddle on the floor and loathed himself all the more. 

"Strong independent model, my ass," Izaya frowned. "I hate him," he pouted and puffed out his cheeks. "I hate him!" 

A hop. A skip. A jump. And Izaya was fully clothed and regretting all of his life decisions. He wanted to get drunk. That would make this entire interaction more bearable. The two walked outside of his humble abode and made their way to the nearest shopping center. A basic date. Movies. Ice cream. Maybe some other stuff. Izaya wasn't paying attention to the list of things Shizuo was describing. He was too concentrated on the fact that Shizuo, this bleached blonde bitch, was holding his hand in public as if the two were normal human beings. News to Shizuo: they were famous. Someone was going to notice and either snap a picture for Instagram, Twitter, or the newspaper. Maybe all three. 

As much as it annoyed him how carefree Shizuo was, Izaya couldn't remove his hand. He just stared at it, off and on, willing Shizuo's hand to let go of his. In a matter of strength, Shizuo had all of the talents. 

"Oh shit," Izaya tripped over his feet and stumbled forward, right off a descending staircase, and came face to face with his very doom. His wrist was still annoying the hell out of him and now he was about to lose an ankle. 

Eyes wide with terror. Who was going to break his fall but the very same Shizuo Heiwajima? His head slammed right into that firm chest of his and the two tumbled down the staircase. Izaya right on top of the blonde brute with their positioning quite bold for the public eye. He quickly got up, dusted off his pants, and hoped to the powers that be no one saw that. 

Izaya went right over to a nearby bench and sat down. He sighed. This was going to be a nightmare. He scanned the area. No one saw that. Right? Right. Great. "Shizu-Chan, can you go get me something from that vending machine over there?" Izaya pointed to the furthest one. Shizuo nodded. 

Three. Two. One. As expected a nosy reporter plopped down next to the (now #2) sexiest man alive. Izaya stared. He revealed no expression on his face. "As expected, of a famous individual like yourself, you know exactly what I'm here for." The reporter revealed the pictures on his camera of the two of them. It didn't matter what happened. It only mattered what it looked like had happened. 

"I don't care what you write about me," Izaya sighed. "But don't you dare write anything about him, okay?" Izaya scooted in closer to the reporter. "Because I will find you and I will torture you in the most interesting way possible. I imagine for you," Izaya brought his hand up to the reporter's face and tilted his chin downward. "It would be very easy to know what a homophobic man such as yourself would hate experiencing." 

The reporter nodded. He deleted the one picture that revealed Shizuo's face and walked away. Izaya had been planning on telling Shizuo his true feelings today. That would have to wait. Their entire interaction with each other had been the weirdest of the weird. It would be safest to end it here. Izaya had to protect himself from getting too attached. Shizuo could find another someone eventually. Preferably a girl. 

Shizuo returned with the drink in hand. Izaya grabbed it, opened it, and drank it all in one shot. He threw the can into the recycling container right across the pathway, made it, and stood up. "Shizu-Chan, I think it's time we come to terms with our relationship," Izaya stared him right in the eyes. "Whatever it may be. It ends today. Right now. In this very moment. Don't text, call, or show up at my apartment or at my job. Do you understand?" 

"W-what?"

Right. Of course. Shizuo wouldn't find that very believable. Izaya gritted his teeth and spat on Shizuo's (very nice) shoes. "I hate your guts, bastard," and walked off. He refused to acknowledge the pain in his ankle or his wrist. He'd have to go to a doctor one of these days. He sighed. The pain of his heart was the hardest to ignore.