it's the middle of the day
and i start shaking
the whole class has to read a paragraph
and it's almost my turn.
people look at me like I'm crazy
but i don't say anything.
i wish i could tell them that
it's just my anxiety
my classmates don't understand,
my friends don't understand,
my family doesn't understand
my mom tells me to
calm down
my dad gets angry with me
and they all shut me down.
i wish they understood
how hard it is to live
when your mind thinks
you're in danger
every second of the day.
I'm sorry anxiety,
i don't need saving.
I'm okay I'm okay
but saying that won't make it listen.
i wonder how it feels
to not think about the future
all the time.
am i supposed to write
'i can't breathe when I'm here because i have anxiety'
when the paper says to list medical conditions?
i must be pretending
if i haven't been clinically diagnosed.
my voice quivers,
my leg bounces,
my teeth chatter,
when it's not even cold in the classroom.
please stop worrying,
nothing's going to happen.
don't call on me, teacher
I'm not prepared.
anxiety turns on the sirens
and screams
DANGER DANGER DANGER
all in my head.
mom says there's nothing i can do about it,
'so quit worrying'
she tells me
breathe breathe breathe
but i can't
it feels like
my lungs are losing air.
my anger and irritation
are a side effect to this
'thing'
i can't even call it anxiety anymore
it all in my head
it's not really there.
no ones looking at me
but i can't believe that.
i can't even say 'here'
when the teacher calls roll
i can't even think straight
when my mind is in circles.
my voice is small
and it sounds like I'm scared.
this teacher says that nothing at school
is actually life threatening
she says
'You're not dying'
but tell that to my anxiety,
it makes me think
I am going to die.
they don't understand
what it's like to be like this
they think
I'm so confident
but I'm not,
not one bit.
i may wear cute clothes,
i may pretend to look cool,
but on the inside
I'm dying
at least that's what my brain tells me.
