This critique shop is officially closed. Ililipat ko nalang sa isang kong account kasi hindi ko natututukan ang account na ito.
Your requests might be fulfilled there. However, you must send the same forms. Sa lahat ng naghintay, pero walang nangya...
Note: Tinapos ko ang trailer, Prologo & Unang Kabanata
Title: Ang baduy ng title mo kung SciFi ang genre mo. Comedy ang dating sakin. I-add ko na din dito iyung judgement ko sa cover mo. Hindi siya naangkop sa genre mo. Mukha siyang poster ng palabas ni Jose Manalo at Wally Bayola. I suggest palitan mo siya. Usually edgy, sharp at may futuristic design ang mga cover ng SciFi books.
Characters:
Protagonist
I think you're trying to be funny in his part. Iyung tipo kasing ang deep niya magsalita sa Filipino, pero he's not that serious about what he's saying. Kasi may parts ka na nagbibiro ka by using hyperbole to the point na feeling ko hindi siya serious sa mga sinasabi niya. I think di siya angkop sa theme na 'zombies'.
Sabi mo sa prose mo, may mithiin siya. Ang tagal mong sinabi na mahirap abutin ang mithiin na iyon, pero hindi mo man lang sinabi kung ano iyon. As a critic, na-bored ako dahil pinalabok mo iyung mga salita, pero wala naman akong context na nakikita.
Extras and supporting characters
Wala silang nagagawang nagpapa-andar sa plot. I don't think they're useful and effective in portraying your plot.
Conflict
Judgement ko lang based sa nabasa kong parts, ang conflict mo ay man vs society kasi you mentioned about drastic change in technology na nag-result sa paglabas ng mga bagong mga halimaw (na literal).
Technical:
Paragraphs
Hahatiin ko ito sa tatlong parts: a) Trailer, b) Prologue, and c) Chapter One.
Trailer
Your trailer is not good at all. You started with a dialogue, pagkatapos hindi pa maayos ang paggamit mo ng quotation marks sa first sentence. As a technical writer, ekis ang trailer mo. You should start with a narration with intense conflict (dahil trailer nga siya at SciFi pa ang genre mo).
Aside pa doon, you should fix your grammar, your sentence construction, proper use of punctuation and correct usage of quotation marks for dialogues. I also suggest na palitan mo iyung tone mo into a serious one. It's up to you din naman if you want a comical SciFi book, pero gawin mong systematic para maging makatarungan dahil sa napili mong genre at theme. Kasi if hindi, Humor dapat ang pinili mong genre.
Prologue
Your first paragraph is not concise. Hindi siya kaakit-akit na basahin kasi naku-kuwento ka lang tungkol sa isang tao, tapos hindi direct iyung sinasabi mo. It's like you're just uttering whatever. Di ako kumbinsido sa voice ng protagonist mo.
I think your trailer should be the prologue and your prologue should be your Chapter One. Mahaba masyado ang prologue mo. Marami kang sentences na puweding i-omit sa mga paragraphs mo kasi iyung point parang inulit lang, you restated them in other words. Redundant sila, masakit sa mata.
There are certain paragraphs that I liked your ideas. For example: iyung nag-mention ka about change sa technology and when you mentioned what kind chaos is going on. Malimit lang ang mga iyon. You should emphasize those even more.
Last thing I would like you to consider is kariktan. Instead of putting these:
Oops! Ang larawang ito ay hindi sumusunod sa aming mga alituntunin sa nilalaman. Upang magpatuloy sa pag-publish, subukan itong alisin o mag-upload ng bago.
You could've used narration to state what kind of explosions and exchange of gunshot is going on. Para kasing bata iyung nagsasabi niyan.
Chapter One
Pagdating sa part na ito, naguluhan na ako sa nangyayari sa story. Ang filler chapter ng dating niya sa akin. Unang kabanata mo, tapos wala namang conflict. It didn't move your plot to another point. Kaya hindi ako kumbinsido na SciFi ang genre mo.
Remember, you are not just entertaining when writing SciFi. You are also sharing valuable knowledge while trying to expand our imagination on the possibilities that science can give in our lives. Kaya dapat may ganap na kakaiba. Sa pagkakaintindi ko kasi sa chapter mo, may kababalaghan na nagaganap dahil pinagtripan diumano ang protagonist mo ng kapatid niya, pero hindi daw siya. Doon umikot ang Chapter One mo. Anong connect?
Plot:
Your plot is obscure to me. Please emphasize your plot especially to your very first parts. To be honest, trailer mo palang' di na ako bilib. I-klaro mo sa readers mo kung ano ang mga posibleng maganap sa gawa mo para hindi kami nagaantay sa wala.
I think you should improve your narration. Whether you are trying to be funny, serious or something in between. Ito ang nagpapadaloy ng iyong kuwento at magpapadala sa mga mambabasa sa isang bagong dimensyon na ikaw ang may likha. Ayaw mo naman siguro na ma-bored if ikaw ang ang magbabasa, kaya pagandahin mo ng husto para madala kami.
I believe you should try my advise. It is to make a skeleton plot first. Una, gawin mo ang conflict mo sa story. Ikalawa, gumawa ka ng list. Ilagay mo sa list mo ang rising action, climax, falling action and resolution. Then, plan how many chapters do you want to achieve. Hati-hatiin mo iyon at ilagay mo sa categories kung saan siyang parte ng plot mo. Lastly, per chapter mong gawan ng theme o list ng anomang gusto mong mangyari sa chapter na iyon, para kapag nagsusulat ka na, tama ang daloy ng plot mo at hindi kami nalilito.
Tips:
1.) Plan your plot way before you write your book. This is a good way to guide yourself with the series of events that will happen in your story without confusing yourself.
2.) Use the right tone for you book.
3.) Be consistent on the way you write your book. Kasi kung mas maganda ang umpisa kaysa sa mga sumusunod na parts, nakaka-boring talaga.
4.) Make your characters authentic. Make each of them useful.
5.) Add spice in your book by showing what is going on than merely narrating them. Show pain, sadness, action etc.
6.) Try reading more books that are similar to yours. Make research about the topics that you will incorporate in your text.
7.) Be patient in crafting your book. It's okay not to post immediately if you don't feel like it.
Conclusion:
Your work is yet under developed. You should re-plan and re-read your book. I suggest you should improve your narration. I am not discouraging you in writing you book. I want you to continue it, and improve it. I want you to add more effort and dedication, thus these will show the better output that you can craft in the future. Use your time wisely. ;)
