erase me - kryoz [slow updates]

twelve

acacia

today's the day. the dreaded day that i have to go back to canada. i've already gotten used to falling asleep next to john, waking up beside him, and just having his presence at all times, and i'm not ready to leave that.

i wish there was a way that john and i wouldn't have to be separated like this, but it's just not the right time for us to move any closer given our current situations. my uploading schedule is all out of wack from my deteriorating mental state, john's videos are constantly getting demonetized.. neither of us really just have the money laying around to uproot our lives and go one way or the other. even if we moved in together already, i don't know that it'd work.

with only a few hours before i'm to leave for the airport, thousands of thoughts are running through my head.

what if he finds someone else after i leave? what if he realizes how truly fucked up i am and wants to break up? what if?

i couldn't stand to think of losing john in one way or another. being someone that isn't used to getting attached to people, when it hits that you do, that shit hits hard.

part of me can't help to think "maybe i've loved him all along, platonically or romantically, and was just too scared to admit it." and perhaps that's why now this is so serious.

john decided to take a shower this morning before we were to leave to go to the airport. he joined me on the couch afterwards, sitting as close to me as he could without actually sitting on me. he opened his arms, gesturing for me to come closer.

i fixated my eyes on his, a certain sadness clouded his irises. i leaned into him, wrapping my arms around his abdomen and laying my head against his chest. he laid his arms across my back, squeezing to pull me even closer.

"i don't want you to go back." he said softly, voice being muffled by my hair.

drawing in a deep breath, i cocked my head a little bit to look up at him.

"don't remind me. smit is gonna have to deal with my sappy ass once i'm back since we've talked about meeting up and he's either gonna hate it or love it." i laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

"how come you won't be sappy with me?" john pouted.

"i personally believe it's too early for you to see that side of me. my thoughts are pathetically sappy when it comes to you. i feel different with you, in a good way."

"continue, i need to hear this."

i sighed and moved my head to place a soft kiss on his jawline, "john,"

"acacia,"

"someday, but not today, you'll know the exact thoughts that i had on this trip. perhaps soon, perhaps not."

john let out an extremely dramatic sigh and i laughed a little before laying my head back on his shoulder.

"you know, cam can't seem to shake the idea that you and i have fucked on this trip and i find it hilarious."

"we still have time before you go to make that true." he joked, only partially though, and i could feel his smirk without even having to look up at him.

"in your dreams, love."

"i thought we've already established that i've dreamed about fucking you."

"oh my god, john."

the next few minutes were spent in silence, just embracing each others' presence for the time we have left. it wasn't an uncomfortable silence, in fact i was more than satisfied with staying like this until we'd have to leave.

it so happened that we wasted enough time doing this that we had to leave in 25 minutes. john sat up, slightly adjusting in a way to move me off of him.

"i want to give you something before you go."

i raised an eyebrow at him. john is a man of surprises, i truly never know what in the hell to expect out of him. he walked into his room, and i heard him rummaging around before returning back to the living room.

"take this." he said before tossing me his color block hoodie.

"but you wear this all the time."

"and now i want you to wear it all the time."

a small smile crept onto my face. i dropped the hoodie on the couch where i was once sitting and got up to meet john where he was standing. looking up at him, he couldn't help but let his lips curl into a smile. i stood on my tip toes to press my lips to his when he put his hands on my face to pull me closer and deepen the moment.

pulling away, i looked up at him and smiled.

happiness. pure, true, and genuine fucking happiness.

"i've never seen you smile like this." he laughed.

"proof that you make me happier than anyone else."

john leaned down to kiss my forehead, before gesturing to the clock as if to remind me that it's about time to go.

my smile quickly faded to the frown i had earlier before i went to john's room to gather my belongings. my suitcase and backpack were all i had, thankfully.

i did a quick survey of his apartment to check and make sure i didn't forget anything like chargers or clothes. i went back to the couch to grab his hoodie and pulled it on over my t-shirt.

"looks better on you than it ever could've on me." i heard john say under his breath.

my head quickly snapped to him, smiling slightly.

"could not be true."

———

arriving to the airport gave me a gut feeling i absolutely hated because it set in for me that i actually had to go back to canada. the one thing i had to look forward to was getting to see smitty once i'm there, but that's it.

"this is unfortunately where we have to part ways."
john said quietly, letting go of my hand as we made it to the area outside security.

"i really don't want to."

"i know, babe. i know. i'll do everything i can to make it up to canada before we see each other at pax east. that gives me roughly five months."

looking down at my feet, i grabbed both of his hands and ran my thumbs over his rings.

"we're gonna have to rip this off like a bandaid otherwise you're gonna miss your flight because i'm not gonna want to let you leave." john said, laughing, trying to lift the heavy feeling off the conversation.

i looked up at him, our eyes quickly meeting. i'm not typically a crier, but looking into his eyes just now is forcing me to push back that prickling feeling in my eyes.

john leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to my lips before pulling away to smile at me just to place a hand on the back of my neck and go in for another one.

"i'll look for flights to canada when i get back home. i promise. and call me when you land, please."

"i will, john. don't worry."

taking in a deep breath, i moved forward to hug him. somehow, i forced myself to pick up my backpack and walk towards security.

"stay safe," he uttered out.

"i will."

i said i'd update a lot more over the summer and all i gotta say is my eyes are up here please don't look at them. i'm trying so hard to find motivation to update this more because i love this book so so so much and i love writing it, but i'm drawing blanks with how to word things even with how motivated i've been to write recently. i promise i'm trying, guys. please forgive me.