No More Secrets (Book 2)

18. The Greater Risk

Dylan

Travis was keeping something from me. I knew he was. He was rarely this quiet. He was trying to hide the fact that he was keeping whatever it was from me by cooking me dinner and "giving me space" because of everything my grandma told me, but I knew better. I could read him too well.

But I wasn't going to push him to tell me. I had my own secret I wasn't telling him. It wouldn't be fair.

It was the only way I could save him. And yeah, he'd be miserable for a bit, but I knew that he'd eventually be okay without me. I had to believe that. It was the only thing keeping me going.

Tomorrow, Nina was going to help me die so that I can talk to Death again. She was going to do everything she could to bring me back, but we both had a strong feeling that I wouldn't ever come back.

I wasn't planning on doing it when I left Nina's this afternoon. I told her I'd think about it. How could I leave Travis now? When we're planning our wedding? When we just moved in together? But after finding out Grandma wasn't planning on sticking around, I didn't want to lose her. But Jenny will still be here, with Travis. She'd make sure that he moved on from me. That he was happy again. I couldn't imagine her not doing that for me. For him.

I laid on our bed, clutching a pillow to my chest as I listened to the sounds of Travis cleaning up our dinner. I should have helped him, especially because he cooked, but I needed to do something else. Both letters sat on the bed next to me. They both contained everything I needed to say. One for Travis. One for Jenny.

I probably should write one to Mom, too, but I didn't know what to say to her. She had helped me through everything, especially after the accident. And I was about to end my life, the life of her only remaining child. How did I explain that to her? My only hope is that she'd understand eventually. Maybe Travis will tell her what I did. I explained it all in his letter.

The sound of his footsteps in the hallway made me sit up quickly. I grabbed both letters and tossed them onto my nightstand just before he entered the room.

"Hey," he said with a smile. He was holding his laptop. "If you're feeling up for it, did you want to start talking about a guest list?"

I shook my head. I wasn't going to tell him that we weren't having a wedding. Not until it was too late for him to stop me. "Let's not do that tonight, okay?"

Travis sat next to me, setting his laptop off to the side. "Are you doing alright?" he asked.

I looked at him, trying to memorize his face. I already knew every inch of him, but knowing I wouldn't have much longer to look made my heart ache. "I love you, you know that, right?"

He let out a short laugh. "I would hope so. Although you seem to be avoiding the whole wedding planning stuff lately. You're making me think you don't want to marry me after all."

I leaned over to kiss his check. "I want to marry you so badly." I rested my hand on his thigh. "To grow old with you. To start a family together. I wouldn't want anything else."

At some point while I was talking, I started tearing up. My voice cracked. I wanted him so much, but I knew I couldn't have him. I just wished I could tell him, but I couldn't. He didn't need to know right now.

He pulled me close, hugging me tightly. "Why are you crying?" he whispered. "Please don't. We're going to have all that, Dyl. I promise."

That only made me cry harder. It hurt too much not being able to tell him anything.

*

The next morning, I woke up before Travis did. I gently kissed his forehead before pulling the blanket further up over his naked body. I made sure he'd have one last night with me. One he'd never forget. I knew I'd never forget it, at least.

After I got dressed, I left both letters on the kitchen table. One was addressed to Travis, and the other was for Jenny. Hopefully, by the time he read it, I'd already be gone. I didn't need him running after me and talking me out of this. I was doing this to save his life. I had to keep reminding myself of that. It was the only way I could do this.

When I got to Nina's, she looked like she had slept even less than I did. I didn't blame her. She knew what she was about to do and, once my part was done, she'd have to deal with my body. But she was willing to do it, as long I did what I needed to do.

I sat on her couch, nervously wringing my hands together. This was it. No turning back now.

"Are you ready?" Nina asked.

I shook my head, looking up at her. "No. But I have to do it."

"Okay." She motioned me to lay down and I did. "Remember, this'll be just like last time. I'll inject you with the adenosine and then the adrenaline in a couple minutes. Hopefully you'll wake up."

"If I don't, please make sure Travis is okay without me."

She sighed. "Did you talk to him last night?"

I shook my head. "I couldn't. He would have talked me out of it and this is the only way to keep him safe. Not doing this risks his life more than ever." Tears started silently streaming down my face and I attempted to wipe them away. "Thank you, for everything."

There were tears in the corners of Nina's eyes too. "You don't have to do this."

"I do. I really do." I took a deep breath, holding out my arm. "Do it. I'm ready."

We both knew I wasn't ready, but hesitating any longer would be a risk in and of itself. Travis was probably rushing over here, depending on if he already woke up and read the letter. I didn't have much time.

I watched as Nina stuck the needle into my arm, her thumb positioned on the top of the syringe, but unmoving.

"Dylan! Don't!"

Nina and I both jumped at the sound of Jenny's voice. When she jumped, Nina pushed all of the drug into my system.

"There's another way!" Jenny yelled. "You don't have to do this!"

But it was too late. My vision had already started going black.