Conquering Fear

Session 2: Changing The Past.

How was your day today? 

Well, yesterday I left my story at a bit of a cliffhanger, or at the bottom of a deep dark pit more like, so let’s get back to it! 

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So I had fallen into a deep depression, and was tormented by fear constantly. I couldn’t handle the world I lived in, so I created a better one. 

I retreated into my imagination. I created a world in my head where I was a warrior, and no one could hurt me. People feared me instead. But even there, I was trapped. I couldn't leave this world I'd created, because the enemy lurked just outside. 

Everytime that I began to feel safe, nighttime would come, and the pounding on that door would begin. I had panic attacks, every night. And I locked away my memories of what had happened to me, in that closet. 

I locked the door, and I could never open it again. But that didn't stop the screaming of the past into my present life. 

For three years, I lived in a cycle of fear. Joy was dead, killed in the attacks. And I remember sometimes my mom would come to me and ask; "What will it take to make you happy again?"

And I just stared at her helplessly and said 'I don't know'. I had no answers. All I knew, was that I was trapped in a different world, because returning to this world would mean opening that door and facing my enemy. 

Finally one night, as I sat there with Fear pounding on my door, I cried to God, and I said 'I can't live like this anymore! Something has to change!'

My Castle:

A voice said; "Look to the sunrise!"

I looked up at the skylight, where the morning sun was shining in. A Figure stood there, waiting for me. When I looked at Him, He opened a pane of glass and leapt down into my world. 

He wore heavy armour and a cape, and a sword hung at His side. He crouched before me, taking my chin in His hand and tipping my face up to look at Him. When He spoke, the pounding on the door faded into silence, and the screams and laughter from the closet fell silent. 

Reality:

A desire to see the sunrise filled my soul that night, and I went out the next morning to see it. As I watched the sky, a peace washed over me, peace that I had not felt in three years.

Then I heard His voice, I had never heard it before, but I knew without a doubt that it was Him. He said; "I love you, I made you and I love you."

And I remember thinking; the Creator of the universe just spoke to me. He has far more important things to do that speak to a child, and just to say that He loved her!? It was because of that, that I knew it was true, and I could feel His love like a physical blanket. 

That's the moment that I said 'alright God, You say You love me, so I'm gonna follow You.'

My Castle:

He stood and lifted me to my feet, supporting me in my weakness. He took off His cape and wrapped it around my shoulders. Then He took a bundle off His back and untied it, revealing a set of armour.

He taught me how to put it on, and how to handle the sword. Then we opened the door, and fought the soldiers of Fear, pushing the enemy further and further back. We recovered several rooms in the castle, and are making a plan of attack.

Reality:

God joined me in my safe-room, silencing my enemy as He prepared me for battle. Then, He showed me the rooms that were unoccupied by the enemy, and we rebuilt them. 

He didn't take me out of my situation, or destroy the enemy Himself. Instead, He joined me in the battle, taught me to fight, and helped me begin to rebuild my castle. And in the moments when Fear is beating the door down, He stands between me and danger.

And this summer had become the year of attacking, reclaiming my castle. The battle is still raging, but I'm learning fast, and I've got my armour. God is my protector…

-------- Exiting Storytime.

One of the key moments in my healing process happened a couple months ago, when I was struggling with flashbacks. 

I began to think to myself; I know God was with me through it all, but it feels like He let me just struggle alone through the toughest three years of my childhood.

I brought these feelings to God, saying ‘here, this is what I feel like. I know it isn’t true, and that you were there, but the feelings remain’.

I wish I had done this sooner, faced the feelings sooner. Because God then began to show me specific instances when I had felt alone, only now, I could see Him with me. 

The picture of myself sitting in a corner at school, knees pulled up to my chest as I shook with fear, waiting for my mom to pick me up… This picture changed, and suddenly I saw and felt God sitting beside me, arm around me, sheltering me from my teacher’s gaze.

Almost a dozen of these scenes flashed through my mind, each changing and showing me where God was in those moments.

This is something I want us to do now. Take a couple of moments to think about times where you’ve felt alone in your fear, or just alone in general. 

Then ask God; ‘Where were you?’ And listen for Him, eyes closed. Take your time, and journal whatever you hear/see.

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Now I want you to continue listening for Him, but listen to this song at the same time. If you feel the need or want to sing alone, please do. 

‘Never Gone’ by Colton Dixon.

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Now I want you to do whatever you feel the need to do. Read your Bible, keep chatting with God, listen to the song again, sing, ect. Spend 15 minutes doing this. 

Then, you are welcome to share, and you are dismissed until tomorrow morning.