All Yours

It's a Gift

What's a gift? A gift is something given to someone to show honor or appreciation. A gift can also refer to a talent or skill. It signifies beauty and grace.

But what if the gift I'm talking about is the other way around? It's not as beautiful and gracious as the word gift itself. What if it's different?

The gift I'm talking about is Suffering. Yes. You read it right. Suffering. Not as pretty as the word gift but my friend, when you are aware of what God is doing in your life, suffering becomes a gift. A gift that you are blessed to achieve.

Why did I start this book with this topic? Is it because depression has been trending? No. Is it because I want to get more followers? No.

The real reason is because I know how hard it is because I suffered the same but I want you to be free by giving you a little help. I hope this may really help you.

According to an article in Abs-cbn news dated January 18, 2019: "3.3 million Filipinos suffer from depressive disorders. Suicide rates in the country are at 2.5 males and 1.7 females per 100,000 according to Department of Health. 800,000 people die due to suicide every year, making it the second leading cause of death in 15 - 29 years old."

Also, in summary of an article I read on CNN Philippines, suicide is a sensitive topic that the media unknowingly disrespect.

It started back when I was in elementary when I had depression. I was teased at school for being fat and dark in color. I also had some struggles at home. As young as I was twelve I wrote my suicide note and wasn't able to sleep the whole night through. I guess watching some movies about suicide also triggered that kind of emotion inside of me and to think I was still an elementary student that time. I was also a young Christian, starting my first journey with the Lord Jesus Christ. It wasn't easy.

I turned thirteen and this is where my depression grew bigger. It was on the month of August when my mom was hospitalized. I looked after her with my grandmother. God had a purpose because of my height I didn't look like I was thirteen that's why they allowed me to look after her. During my stay there, my prayer life leveled up. I would pray in the bathroom or while walking at night to buy her medicine. I read the Bible day and night. I begged God to save her life. But just after two months and two days, she passed away on October 2, 2011. Did I blame God? No. Did I blame myself? Yes.

I carried on with life like I wasn't hurt. People saw me strong. People tapped me on the shoulder and told me stuff like: "Tough kid." Or "God is really with you." But inside I was dying. I was hurting.

When I'm alone in my room and remember that my mom was gone, I hurt myself or even pull the hairs from my head. I beat myself up and blame myself for her passing. Still, as they say, "A depressed person doesn't look sad, they look happy" is true. They never found out. They only saw me as a kid wearing a smile on her face and a young servant of Christ Jesus.

I'll admit, I questioned God once. I asked why I had to go through all of this. Even in college, I would experience it over and over. If it wasn't for my spiritual mentors, I could have ended my life. God used them and I'm grateful. But God is good. Reading the Bible helped me overcome. He said in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentarily troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

The love of Christ flowed inside of me and I felt my soul revived. I was reminded of the sufferings of Jesus Christ on his way to the cross and on the cross. How he endured that suffering for the redemption of our sins. It was God's way of telling us He loved us this much to offer His Son Jesus Christ for our sins. I felt ashamed and asked God's forgiveness why I was losing my faith. But the Word is living and active. It penetrated through my heart and woke my weary soul up.

If I didn't go through it, I wouldn't be able to encourage the people around especially those who are suffering depression. God used it for my benefit. It was a gift. A gift that renewed me and made me able to inspire the people around me. Apart from Jesus I might still suffer today and neglect the brighter days.

The problem only gets bigger because we lose sight of God. If we fix on the plans God has for us which is unseen then we will not feel burdened. We will only feel rejoiced and say, "My depression is ALL YOURS Lord Jesus!"