Sas is watching Winnie the Pooh,her favourite cartoon as I add some more pancakes onto her plate.She squeezes on some maple syrup and grins at the pile of pancakes in front of her.Sas loves blueberry pancakes.I grin along as I add more batter to the mix,preparing to make some more.
"Don't forget we have to go and get you your new uniform Sas.School starts on Monday and you need to be prepared" I inform her as I pour her some orange juice ,which she really doesn't like but is forced to take anyway.She turns to look at me momentarily as I grab a seat at the table and add milk to my cereal.
"Can we also get some lime play dough when we go shopping?" she asks as an afterthought.I roll my lips in quick thought,before smiling at her.
"If you promise not to leave it stuck on odd places when you use it,we will"
I compromise and she nods.We go back to companiable silence,as I chew my cereal and she gulps down her pancakes.I had already filled out the registration forms for my attendance at Greenwich Technical University,and chosen the second year modules I would be focusing on.I had read the prospectus,and nothing seemed different to what I would have been studying back at Manchester Uni.The only difference will be in the new faces,I come back to the present,but I push away the unsettling thought quickly.I decide to think about what kind of stationery Sas will need,and the specific uniform requirements that year three kids wear at Bloomhill Prep School.
"Colleen,did Mummy call yesterday?"
Sas' voice shakes me out of my planning woes.I look at her,and feel chills down my spine at the vulnerable look my sister gives me.Not for the first time,I curse Hannah Matthews for being such an insensitive cow.Who,in their right mind can bear to leave such an innocent and cute child,to pursue endless and shallow dreams of fashion?
Only you,mother.I think as I try to look as calm as I can.Sas is good at reading intent and emotions quickly,and if she reads the murderous thoughts in my head at the current moment,she might feel slightly disturbed.
"Hannah didn't call yesterday Snowflake,but maybe she'll call soon" I try to sound as positive as I can.Hannah always calls her Snowflake.Big bright eyes stare back at me with shiny tears.
"I know she will" she smiles suddenly,her conviction and faith in an undeserving mother so unshakeable,so that I feel tears threatening to spurt out of my own eyes.I am saved by a dishevelled Henry as he walks into the kitchen.
"Something smells nice...blueberry pancakes?" he asks,before yawning.
"Daddy!" Sasha cries,launching herself in record time from her chair to our father's arms.He picks her up,laughing as she giggles with joy.Looking at the scene,you'd think him to be a good and always available father.But alas,his sins are no lesser than his wife's.
"Well aren't you a big girl!...I feel a muscle pop,how much do you weigh now,a tonne?" he teases as he lifts her at armslength,observing her.Sas dimples.
"Don't be silly Daddy,a tonne is what grown elephants weigh.And I'm not as big as an elephant" the little genius says in a droll tone.
"Well then,maybe soon enough you will be" he responds with a grin,before drawing her closer again.
His eyes flash to me,and the light in them dims a little.
Why thanks for the enthusiasm and happiness Dad,I think to myself.
"Col-Jenner" he quickly corrects himself,and I give him a curt nod.
"Morning.What time did you get to come in?"
I ask,dumping my bowl in the sink.My appetite is gone already.He flushes guiltily,but I barely notice.
"Around two in the morning.The situation at the hospital-"
"I really don't care about that Dad,so don't bother explaining yourself"
I cut across his excuses,and the silence that follows is maximum,like a cold draught of air.
"Now listen here Colleen,I won't have you speak that way to me,especially not in front of Sasha" he says coldly.Ah,I've done it again,I think to myself silently.Sasha's brow furrows into a frown,her eyes big and apprehensive.I sigh.
"Its Jenner,Dad.And Sas and I are going out to get school supplies" I inform him tonelessly.Sas quickly perks up.
"Yes!And I'm getting play dough.Will you come with us Daddy?" she asks,and you can hear the plea in her voice.Henry sighs and lowers her to her feet.
"I wish I could Sas,but I have to go to the hospital..." he crushes her hopes again.
"But I'll try to get off sometime soon,so we can all spend some time together,maybe go the museum,how's that? he suggests,and I almost shout at him to stop making promises he can't keep.But Sas falls for it.She claps her hands excitedly before impuslsively hugging her father.I roll my eyes,unimpressed.
"Sas,you should go and get your raincoat.We'll be heading out soon" I say,and she nods before running off to fetch it.Ah,to be as excitable and easily forgiving as a child.
"You should probably take the car since it looks like it might rain" Henry says to fill in the awkward silence that descends upon us.I smile humorlessly up at him as I wipe my hands onto a tea-towel.
"It might have passed your notice Dad,but then again everything passes your attention anyway,but I don't have my licence yet,or a car.So your suggestion isn't valid right now" I say.
"Colleen,I really don't appreciate that tone.If you want to be respected in this house,you should give in turn.Am I clear?" he retorts,suddenly authoritative.I take in his sleep deprived state,his bloodshot eyes,the dark curly hair and stormy dark eyes Sas and I inherited from this man,and sigh.He looks horrible.I feel nothing.
"Crystal" I answer him,before heading upstairs to get my own coat.
****************
Hi!!!!!
First of all,thank you for reading this.it means, A LOT to me....I'm sorry for the grammatical errors though,I'm using my phone,and it gets pretty messed up.
I'll try not to delay any updates,so please bear with me if I do.
But most importantly,I love you all.Really.
Please vote,and comment,so I can know your opinion :)
Love and Music
Rach
