Limited

[Four]

Sunday 30th September 2012

 

Dear diary,

The days are dwindling down slowly. On one hand, I’m glad. If the time goes slow, it feels like I have more time left than I actually do. On the other hand though, I hate that it’s dragging out. The pain seems to get worse by the minute, and I become very tired quite easily.

It’s like time is trying to taunt me, and torture me. I know what’s coming, and the feeling is horrible. My heart is constantly racing, and I’m always feeling scared. The fear only increases as the days pass.

It took me a while to fall asleep after the date last night, because my mind was going at a mile a minute, thinking about my upcoming death. I needed all my energy for our date today, and even though I slept in until ten this morning, I found it difficult to keep up with Thomas on the date that he took me on today.

He had left the hospital early this morning while I was still sleeping, and left me a note, not wanting to wake me up. I never knew a short note of explanation could be so sweet and romantic.

He said he wouldn’t be far, but I still missed him. He was gone until I had been awake for an hour, and the whole time he was gone, I sat on my bed clutching the note in my hands, and reading it over again every few minutes.

No matter what he did, I always got butterflies, and tingles. He made me feel amazing, and important. Like I could do anything that I wanted in the world.

Today’s date was another first. He had a knack for finding things that I have never done before, and making them possible. He never ceased to amaze me, or anyone else that had the immense pleasure of knowing him. He made everyone’s life better, and cared more about others than he did about himself. Although that particular personality trait of his worried me constantly, I admired it. He truly was the perfect guy for me, and we were both about to lose each other.

That’s why I treasured thee dates. They were the last memories we would make together, and would hopefully be some of the most special and memorable moments in Thomas’ life.

After the seemingly long hour, Thomas walked back in to my room. There was a light sheen of sweat across his forehead, indicating that it was hot outside, or he had been hard at work, or maybe even both.

I had bathed, and gotten dressed as soon as I had woken up, not only because I was trying to make the time go faster, but because I didn’t want to waste any time when Thomas got back. My time was limited, and I wanted to spend as much of it with Thomas, and my family, as possible.

It took me longer to get out of bed, because I was even weaker than I was yesterday. I stayed standing still for a short minute, to allow my shaky legs the chance to get used to carrying my weight with them. Not that there was much weight to carry.

My weight had dropped from a healthy sixty five kilogram’s to fifty two kilogram’s in the past week. I found t hard to keep any food down.

Nevertheless, my legs soldiered on, and carried me to the door where Thomas was waiting for me.

When I reached him, he put his left arm firmly around my thin waist, and rested his large hand on my hip bone, which was sticking out slightly.

Just another way that he supported me. If it wasn’t for him, I honestly believe that I would have been driven mental, and had an emotional breakdown. There were no words for how much his support meant to me. I don’t think he realises just how much it actually helps to have someone there that you can confide in, and depend on completely.