Love Thy Enemy

Chapter 14: Breathe

I wake up the next morning, thinking about Valentino. I check my phone to see if he has called and sure enough he has called five times. Lost inside my head and unable to shake the dream of him as the devil, I don't hear my father knocking on my bedroom door.

"Ana!" my dad's voice booms as the door-handle moves up and down.

"One second!" I shout back, putting on some clothes before unlocking and opening the door. He looks tired but lively.

"I made breakfast. Just like I used to." he beams, smiling. I look down and see he is wearing an apron. When I glance over his shoulder I see he isn't lying. Behind him the kitchen looks a mess, with ingredients spread all over the counter. The air smells of flour and butter making my stomach growl.

"You haven't cooked anything since mom died." I observe, with cautious interest. He sighs heavily.

"I know. I haven't been there for you, but I want to. I want us to be a family again. With everything that is happening, I want to be a part of your life." The admission makes my heart clench and I know that it is the return of tangible, visible violence in Trani that is making my father rethink our relationship. Everybody can feel a war coming, they just haven't seen it yet. But no matter what comes out of my father's mouth, and what is in his heart, I can't let go of the fact that he wasn't there the night I was raped, and what's worse is that he didn't even ask me where I'd been the next day. It was his job to see the demons that haunted me, the struggles I'd survived. But instead he was silent. He didn't help me, or talk to me.

For five months we lived under the same roof, but in different worlds. I want to shut the door in his face, and tell him he has lost me forever and that's it's too late. He should have been there when I needed him. But he really has no clue. He doesn't see it. So instead of blaming him for not being the father I needed, I hug him and accept the fact that he is the only father I have. And the only person left in this world that has always loved me.

"Can I ask you something about mom?" I ask him hesitantly, watching him put a croissant on my plate once we are sat at the kitchen table. After a couple seconds he answers.

"Of course" he hands me the plate.

"Did mom ever put you in a position where you had to choose between your family and her?" I wonder, knowing that what I am really asking has nothing to do with my mother and everything to with Valentino having been potentially involved in the murder of my two best friends.

"No, never. Anyone who asks you to do that is not your friend, Ana." He answers warningly.

"But what if you had to choose between doing what is right by your family and hurting the person you loved?" I push, needing an answer.

"You have to do what will make you a better person." My father answers, refusing to choose between the options I presented. "This isn't just a hypothetical question is it?"

I shake my head, "I have it under control." I lie. Last night, I lost another piece of my sanity, my innocence. I rose from death alive, but covered in blood. It makes me wonder whether I actually survived. Whether I will survive.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he offers. For a second I actually consider it, but I shake my head. He wasn't there for me when I needed him, so even if I forgave him, I won't let him into my life again. It's too late to start relying on parental figures. He'll just let me down again the second things get rough.

"I got it under control" I repeat. At this point, that's all I can do. Maybe I've been lying to myself by continuing my relationship with Valentino. I sleep with him, then I become disgusted with myself, then I want to kill him, and then we go right back to where we started and someone I care for gets caught in the crossfire.