2.5: Picking Up The Pieces

Chapter 13: Heavy doubts and a little happiness.

Two months later and everything has been ticking by nicely, Alexander and Lucille are still seeing each other occasionally but he is a bit suspicious about this as he thinks that Joseph would be angry or cold with him, he decides to not press the issue though. Until Lucille approaches him one afternoon, she would be about five months gone by now, thankfully she's not particularly showing, it just looks like she's put on a little weight. She arrives at his cottage, knocking on the door. He answers with Sera in his arms.
"Lucille? Is everything alright?"

She walks in with a sad face and shakes her head, she doesn't want to lie to him but she feels it necessary in this situation. He puts Sera down and ushers Lucille in to sit down. Sera runs off as soon as they sit down.
"No... Everything is not alright... Or perhaps it is, depending on how you look at it... I uhh, miscarried a week ago Alexander..."
He looks genuinely upset upon hearing that, he was starting to get used to the idea of being a father again, so he takes her in his arms and hugs her tightly, a tear forms in his eye.
"Oh Gods... I am so sorry... That must have been a horrible, terrifying experience... Are you alright?"
She shakes her head slowly.
"No... It was fully formed, just tiny... It was horrendous to see, I was bleeding so much, that pain I will never forget... I am only starting to feel human again now and even that is a push..."
He hugs her again and she puts on the tears, he has a tear in his eye too.
"I... Did not tell your father initially... Because I just knew this would happen... I am sorry I lied about that..."
He did wonder but now he doesn't care.
"Gods that does not matter... I did wonder why he has been as amicable to me as he usually is... But in the grand scheme of things... It is not important... I apologise for putting you in this state..."
She was crying for another reason but she manages to stop sobbing.
"Thank you... But that is why I am here... We have to end this once and for all... I am very much in love with you, I care about you deeply and I want you so badly but... I cannot have this happen again..."

He hangs his head a little.
"I understand... Completely... I do love you too but I understand that it must be done... I am sorry to ask this but... Do... You know what it was? What it might have been?"
She just makes this up on the spot, nodding with fake tears in her eyes.
"... when the midwife examined the child... it looked to have been a boy... I hired someone in private, your father does not know about this... Nor will he ever... You cannot tell him... Please..."
He hugs her again tightly and kisses her hair.
"I understand... So I might have had a son too... Ah well... That is life... I am just so very sorry you had to go through that on your own... I cannot imagine how difficult and painful it must have been for you... I am finding it difficult enough, I was starting to get used to the idea of becoming a father again..."

Hearing him say that just breaks her heart.
"I know... You would have given him everything, I see what a wonderful father you are to Sera... Listen, I will be going to stay with my sister for a few months... I miss her terribly and she has just had her third child, so I will get to meet her too... I just need the time away and the space to get over this ordeal and hopefully these feelings I have for you... You understand surely?"
He nods sympathetically but is understandably a bit gutted about it all. He's still stroking her hair.
"I do... I would do the same thing in your position... The time and space will help as much as it will hurt though... When are you leaving?"

She takes his hand.
"In a few days... I just have one request..."
He squeezes her hand.
"Of course, anything..."
She looks up at him, her big, beautiful brown eyes filled with regret and sorrow.
"Kiss me... One last time..."
He smiles sympathetically and indulges her request. She leans over and they kiss warmly, tenderly like they will never see each other again. She then smiles sweetly and then gets up without another word but she speaks once more when she reaches the door.
"Goodbye for now, Alexander. I'm sorry."
He gives her a sad little smile and waves her out. The door closes and he starts sobbing quietly as he heads into the kitchen to look for Sera. He finds her standing, stating at the back door but as soon as she hears dad, she turns around with a big grin and runs towards him, arms out in front of her.
"Daddy!"
He gives her a teary smile and picks her up, hugging her into his arms. Thinking that he's now lost two children in the past, he can't help but smile at the thought of how much of a little blessing she really is. He kisses her fluffy black hair but she wriggles a bit, she just wants to look at him and so she does for a moment, she stares at his eyes and very gently touches a tear on his face. She knows what crying looks like.
"Daddy... Daddy sad?"
This just makes him want to cry again. He gives her a little nod.
"Why daddy sad?"
He has to lie to her though.
"No... Daddy is just very proud of his baby girl... These are happy tears, Sera... You make me very happy sweetheart."
She looks up at him again, her huge eyes very inquisitive. She tilts her little head almost as if she knows he's lying.
"Daddy no sad?"
He shakes his head.
"No sweetheart... Daddy just loves you so very much."
An adorable but equally cheeky grin spreads across her little face.
"Love you daddy!"
He just smiles brightly despite the pain and cuddles her again tightly.
Lucille leaves his cottage feeling even heavier than she did before. She did not miscarry at all, she lied and feels incredibly guilty about it naturally, however, she did not lie about not having told Joseph though. He is none the wiser and just thinks she is leaving to visit her sister. She plans to carry to term, give birth and then have the child adopted in Andosa before coming home, everything will be as it was and nothing has to change, she believes it will be easier this way.