Only Summer Loves October - Ryden

Chapter Six - Heavy With Doubt, Am I Ready For This?

This all seems to have happened so fast, one moment I'm a waiter trying to get in enough hours to cover our rent, the next I'm at a party in a rock star's apartment full of important and famous people. I got Jon to pick me up on his way here because he lives close to me and I didn't want to turn up alone. Although I've spent a bit of time with Ryan since the audition, I can't help but feel awkward around him. I don't know where Jon's got to now though, and I haven't actually seen Ryan yet – I should probably go and say hey.

There are so many people here I don't recognize, he must be around somewhere. As I'm searching for him I almost walk into Zack sneaking in through the door looking shifty, clutching a stack of records. He carries on, oblivious to my presence - I don't think I'll interrupt whatever he's up to.  As I wander through the crowd, a few people stop me to shake my hand or slap me on the back, congratulating me or introducing themselves - I just focus my gaze on Zack as he's stashing the records he sneaked in suspiciously underneath a couch cushion, I'm trying look occupied so I don't have to make conversation. Emma's coming to the party later which should help me feel more comfortable, she's always been great at socializing and hasn't actually met any of the band yet. Apparently Sophie's here already but I haven't seen her yet either. Spencer just told me that 'Ryan's girlfriend Sophie' is coming, but I'm not allowed to call her that in public because apparently that word terrifies Ryan. I'm not surprised, I can't imagine him committing to a house plant, let alone another human being.

After a few minutes of looking for Ryan I notice Pete's heading for the balcony and I decide to follow. Just as I'm about to walk through the door behind him, I hear Ryan telling Pete he's busy and he sounds fed up. Maybe I'll come back later, Ryan and Pete have been friends for years so if he doesn't want to see him, I doubt he'll want to see me right now. I try to slide away unnoticed when Pete's words echo around me "I know you regret hiring Brendon, and I'm on your side Ryan."

Fuck. Is it just Ryan and Pete that feel this way or the whole band?  I know Ryan didn't really have much say in me being picked, but I can't understand why they hired me if they regret it already. I move aside so my back is flat against the wall next to the door and run my fingers through my hair, my mind is swimming with questions and my chest is heavy with doubt. Above the sound of music and conversation inside the apartment, it sounds like Ryan's blurred voice saying "he was the best out of a bad bunch" and at that point I decide I can't take anymore. 

I walk away from the balcony and stand in the corner of the kitchen, open a beer and stare into the bottle, swirling the liquid round, wondering how I even got into this situation. Maybe I could tell them I've changed my mind, carry on working at Nico's and go back to my normal life? It's obvious Ryan hates me, our manager doesn't even think I'm good enough and although Spencer and Jon are cool guys how can I be sure they don't think I belong either?

As I'm planning my escape from this party, I feel an arm link through mine and a happy voice say "hey stranger, how are you? Oh sorry, have I interrupted a deep thought?" Sophie's looking at me with concern in her eyes, but I don't want to get into what I've just overheard, not now anyway. 

I smile and quickly try to think of a lie. "No you didn't, I was just..." 

Before I can finish, she throws her arms around me in a tight hug - I haven't seen her since the night she and Emma told me about the audition, and a lot has happened since then.

"I'm so proud of you Brendon, you deserve this" Sophie grins as we break apart. "Are you sure you're okay though?" She holds me at arm's length, raising an eyebrow like she's examining me - after this many years of friendship she knows when something's not right. 

"I'm fine honestly, it's just all a bit overwhelming." I lie. I don't think she's convinced, but she nods and doesn't push the subject any further.