start somewhere; markhyuck ✓

nine

a/n new concept posting all the parts at once they are all finished anyways! thank u for reading

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dear diary,

i've been feeling very weird lately. it's hard to collect all of my thoughts? maybe it's just because i'm growing up but i can't help that i feel so different. i think living in this town for as a long as i have has destroyed my mind.

prom is next week, and then graduation. the last summer of my life. i'm not going to prom though, i know i won't enjoy it. i hope mark and his friends can still enjoy it. i never asked mark who his date was. i don't think i'd want to know anyways.

jeno and jaemin are dating now. i'm happy for them. especially after all the years jaemin begged wishing he was straight. i understand. i sent prayers wishing i was straight every day. it would be so much easier if i was straight.

i don't trust anyone.

i'm so scared of coming out. i'm so scared of being myself. the bus would be scary. i have to take the school bus. i don't like the bus. they'd hate me on the bus, they'd hit me on the bus. i've overheard them talking about how much they hate the fags. it's scary. i'm scared.

i feel like i'm a bad person. i'm a bad friend. i can't even tell my best friends about mark. i don't even know why mark is so scared of people finding out about our friendship. he just told me that we should be safe. i really think he cares about me though.

i'm starting to think mark really loves me.

it's just unrealistic though. for mark and i to be together. i really love him though. i think we both love each other but we are both scared of being in love.

i think mark is my first love.

- lee donghyuck

donghyuck closes the small paperback notebook and throws it into his drawer. he falls back into his bed. it feels nice to get the pit in his stomach somewhat emptied.

later, donghyuck stalks to his bathroom and has a shower. it's all painfully repetitive. it's all boring.