Ze Extra Stuff

Vent

(I don't own the picture above. It's part of a Migrane Animation on YouTube by H Vee
Stay Alive ||-//)

Hi there I'm sorry. This is just gunna be a vent.

A book was opened. A book that brought back so many emotions. I finally cried, not a lot but I did.

All my life I didn't have a father figure. My Uncle was the closest thing. My dad didn't wanna raise me. Or I dunno honestly. I know my mom had to work hard so we could push through. My grandma was there too. Always taking care of me when my mom was at her jobs.

My dad sometimes, barely, gave some aid. Almost like he didn't want to be bothered with the burden that I was his daughter. He's a nice guy, but you can't just wipe that away. I've gone over to his place not to often. Almost like distant family that we only saw during vacation. I'm not special there's tons of kids in the same situation. So yeah my opinion isn't valid. Kids had to go through much worse. My dad 'tries' to reconnect. And well he did, to a point. The more a think about him I just can't. Finally something that makes me cry.

I'm ungrateful, I miss my dad. But, don't think much about my other family. Or up to the point I should. I probably take them for granted. My mom told me I don't care about my siblings and her when they're over. I just don't know. They've told me multiple times that I probably want to be with my dad. That I don't wanna be with them. I love them. I just can't leave them like that. I know it's emotion getting to them. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm doing something wrong. That I'm hurting them.

That I deserve what's going on inside my head. So yeah I'm not special. Tons of other people share my same fate. I'm being weak. I'm being ungrateful, taking things for granted. I don't deserve.

I just don't know anymore, but I do at the same time. They care, but they don't wanna accept. They don't wanna accept if I told them I have problems. I got excited when I got a panic attack.

Why?

Because it's something that wasn't going to hit them as hard as saying...

"Hey Mom I have depression! Oh and I wanna die now!"

No they'd be disappointed. The thought that drives me to do the things I do. Even when I told them. They tried to do something about it. But in the end didn't do anything.

They just don't wanna believe that, I, Well you know. I kinda don't know what to do.

The dark pain in my chest went up as I wrote this. This is me.