Organized Thoughts From A Disorganized Brain

Guilt and Insecurity

Unproductive feelings of guilt.

Apologizing when it is not necessary.

The feeling of guilt can not only be overwhelming, but it can prevent you from moving on with your everyday life. 

A story of guilt.

        You feel guilty. Guilty for growing up. You've grown a lot since you were in high school. You're not in the same mindset as you used to be. You can't pretend that you're back in high school. 

        You're not a band student anymore, and it's been difficult to accept. You felt like the end was so abrupt. During the last game of the season, you hadn't truly come to the realization that it would be the last time performing on the field. You didn't want to be sad, so you didn't think about it, and then the year went on; just like that. 

        The same thing happened at the end of the year. You packed up your instrument for the final time, said goodbye, and left, without realizing that it would be your last time picking up your instrument. 

        It's been five years since you've last played a note, five years since you've last opened up your instrument case, and six years since you've last stepped foot on the football field. You feel guilty. 

        It was so sudden. You don't want to forget the memories that you made, and the way you felt, but you're not in the same mindset as you used to be. You've grown so much. 

        Band made you so happy. It was a form of stress and anxiety relief. Your anxiety seemed to disappear the moment you stepped foot into the classroom. 

        We've changed so much. Gone our separate ways. Building our own lives. It's hard to accept that we're changing, growing up. It happened so quickly. You feel like you didn't get the chance to say goodbye like you meant it because you didn't have it in your mind that it was the end. It's hanging in thin air, within reach, but you are unable to say it because you are not in the same mindset that you were back in high school. You can't fake it. You've changed so much.

You

feel

guilty.

Do you feel guilty for growing up?

And a story of insecurity.

        "Oh you know, I think you would look better if you had longer hair." This is why you grew your hair out, not because you wanted to, but because of them. So that is why you did it, not because you wanted to, but because you thought that they would like you better. Because of other people's opinions you decided to grow out your hair. 

        After growing your hair out for a period of time, and having nobody flock to you because of the length of it, you used it as your security blanket. To hide from your thoughts.

        It's weird how much hair can affect your self-esteem. The longer your hair grew, the less you felt like yourself, and the more self-conscious you felt. What was wrong with you? You had liked your shorter hair better, but you had decided to grow it out because of their opinions? That wasn't like you. 

        You were ready for a change. A big change. You felt ready. You were done hiding. You did this for yourself, and not for them. 

The critical inner voice.

It "is not an auditory hallucination; it is experienced as thoughts within your head. This stream of destructive thoughts forms an anti-self that discourages individuals from acting in their best interest" states the PsychAlive website article "Critical Inner Voice, Differentiation, Parenting, Relationships, Self Development, Self-Esteem"(PsychAlive, n.d.). 

It is an enemy.

Your brain tells you that, 

you're stupid. 

You have nothing to live for.

You're not attractive.

You can't handle this. 

So where do these thoughts originate from?

Negative experiences that have occurred early in life that are internalized and processed into how you think about yourself.

Harmful voices

and

attitudes

may 

come from

your parents,

siblings,

and others close to you.

Children are sponges, they soak up anything they see or hear. 

This includes making degrading comments about yourself. 

I am being suffocated by my thoughts

they tie my esophagus in knots,

not willing to give up the fight,

for it is to their delight

to watch me writhe in pain

as they enter into my brain,

releasing their negative toxins throughout

and filling me with doubt

about who I'm meant to be,

I give out a plea

to release me 

from their hold,

but they are being bold

not wanting to be told

what to do,

they are stuck like glue. 

Critical Inner Voice, Differentiation, Parenting, Relationships, Self Development, Self-Esteem (n.d.). In PsychAlive. Retrieved from https://www.psychalive.org/critical-inner-voice/