Living with Voices

Chapter 4

Chapter 4 (2017)

Shortly after my one year mark at Smartronix I took a relaxing trip to the Dominican Republic. My voices were quiet and I was at ease. I made a few friends down there, stayed in a great condo with a private pool and overall had a great time.

Upon my return to S. Maryland I decided my 4 bedroom house was too much for just one person and due to the nature of my work for the government, it wasn't worth it to have roommates, so I rented and moved into a small 1 bedroom apartment. It was also at this time I left Smartronix for another defense contractor in the area.

Things started out well but then my voices started to come back a few weeks into the job. I sought out help again from my Nurse Practitioner but it did no good. She was stumped when I told her about the voices and so was I (Up to this point I had not discussed my voices with her). Was my mind playing tricks on me? Had my thoughts turned on me? Was I possessed by demons? I think we tried a different medication but the voices were persistent always mocking me to the best of their ability. On the way home from the appointment with the Nurse Practitioner, I talked it over with my mom and we decided the best course of action would be for me to resign my position and move back home to PA, which is exactly what I did. I was in a living hell again. I can't say it was easy giving up a good job that paid good money, but I was out manned and out gunned. My voices had gotten the best of me and I was at a loss. My paranoia was at an all-time high and felt stressed beyond belief.

A few weeks later (around 11/17/17) I resigned my position and rented a U-Haul. I hired some local guys to help me pack up my shit and my mom drove down from Pittsburgh to help me pack up my stuff. By the time she arrived we had about 50% of the stuff packed up but still had a significant amount of personal items to load into the truck. My voices were quiet for the move for the most part but I still felt like shit. Once again my life was being pulled in a totally different direction that what I had thought. "What did I do to deserve this?" I thought to myself. Was I a terrible person in a former life? Was I ever going to make it through this and if so, would I ever be the same? There's a saying that came into my mind during this event "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans". None the less we spent the next few hours packing up the rest of my stuff. It was a good thing she drove down there as I was losing the will to pretty much do anything. I was in pretty bad shape both mentally and physically. Towards the end of the day we finished packing up the truck and I loaded my car onto the back of the U-Haul.

All things considered we made good time, however on our way north to hit the DC beltway we hit Friday night traffic. My voices started to come back but they stayed at a low enough tone that I could concentrate as I was hauling my car on the back of the U-Haul as well. GPS took us through some really crazy detours but eventually we were on our way to Hagerstown, which is sort of a landmark signaling that we were on the right path back to PA. About an hour later we hit the PA turnpike but the hour was getting late and I knew my mom was getting frustrated. We pushed forward and a few hours later we arrived home late at night. I parked the U-Haul on the street, took out a few of my personal belongings and headed into the house for some shut eye. Another incredibly difficult journey completed.

Over the next couple of months I had to deal with some significantly loud voices in my head. While none of them were command voices mostly it was derogatory about myself. I sought out my old Nurse Practitioner and my counselor and we went to work. Luckily I had saved up enough money from the year prior that I could afford to take off some time from work and try to put the pieces back together. (It's not like I had a job to go back to anyway.) We tried a slew of medications and while none of them really worked; my voices began to subside but remained.

The cold winter passed and I pretty much stayed to myself. Dealing with my voices day in and day out was more than a full time job. Looking back, I don't know how I made it through it. Maybe they were having mercy on me, maybe not. Either way, I was in no shape to be social with any of my friends; besides the fact that they all either married and now had families or they moved away. I continued with my therapy for what seemed like eternity and while no medication really worked I felt that after 6 months my voices were low enough that I could go back to work, with one exception; I had no real job offers. It's at this point that I want to mention that my faith had been tested all along; all I had was my faith in God, my family, my dog, and the idea that hope still existed and someday things would get better. In some ways they did, and in some ways they didn't; I still had my voices.