Living with Voices

Chapter 3

Chapter 3 (2016)

In the summer of 2016 All Lines Technologies sent me out to Las Vegas to attend HPE Discover, which was Hewlett Packard Enterprises annual customer event where they showed off all their new technologies to perspective clients. In addition, they also had learning symposiums where you could take a class then get certified right there on site. (They actually had a Pearson Vue Testing Center setup in one of the conference rooms, computers and all). Up to this point I had taken 3 classes prior and passed all 3 certifications, the 4th and final certification would officially make me a MASE. I took the MASE class, failed the exam on the 1st try; I was devastated. I went back to my room and studied all night, missing out on several parties that were all simultaneously being hosted by the various manufacturers' present at the event. Honestly, I wanted to go party but I knew I would need to study more to successfully pass the exam the next morning. So I stayed in my room like a nerd and kept reading over the materials that we went through in class. I took the MASE exam the next morning. The exam was a tough exam, I think I passed by 1 question. (Thank you God!) With the exam passed I was able to finally relax and I got to spend at least my last day there in Vegas by the swimming pool and relaxed with a cool adult beverage, Coronas, and I think I had 3 of them. Lol. Vegas reminded me a lot of Phoenix with its constant sunshine and heat; the general desert landscapes of Phoenix and Las Vegas are so similar. It was nice to be back in the Southwest, kinda like coming home or at least my 2nd home.

I returned to Pittsburgh and life went on as usual. I tried to spend more time in the office now that I had passed my MASE exam but was able to find customer work that I could do remotely from my makeshift office at home. I didn't have a lot of customer billable but I had enough hours that I was up and coming.

I kept a steady pace for a few months and in the fall of 2016 a friend of a friend reached out to me about becoming a defense contractor down the Washington (D.C.)/ Southern Maryland area. The offer was almost double my current salary at All Lines Technology and it would also allow me to diversify my skillset. After some serious contemplation I decided to take the job and subsequently moved to Southern Maryland. Once again I would have to pack up all my shit, throw my dogs in the back of my Subaru Station Wagon (traded in the Mercedes at 90K when the suspension started to go bad), and head off to another foreign land. Luckily I have relatives in the D.C. area but since I would be living about an hour south of D.C. I wouldn't get to spend much time with them, or at least as much time as I would have liked.

I made the drive down to Lexington Park (S. Maryland) several times to scope out apartments. Since I was feeling good, it was really nothing at all to do the 6 hour drive down there and drive back all in the same day. I debated on a few placed but ultimately decided I wanted to start out by renting a house for the dogs then decided If I want to move into a smaller apartment later. After some deliberation I finally found a place that I liked. It was a cool house with 2 car garage and a blue tin roof. It was pricey but I thought with the salary increase and having 2 dogs it was a good fit.

For the drive down to S. Maryland, my mom helped me pack up my things; what an ordeal. I bought a roof rack for my Subaru Impreza Wagon so we had this thing fully loaded with just barely enough room for my 2 rather large dogs. I had even purchased one of those online beds for the move but hit a snafu; the bed itself would arrive at the house in Lexington Park while the wooden frame came to my house in PA, so I had no choice but to put it on the roof rack and tie it down. It looked kinda funny but it worked.

With the car filled up and dogs loaded safely, my mom made the drive in her car behind me. The house I rented was close to the water and right next to PAX River Naval Base. My mom helped me get moved in, cleaned out the fridge, cabinets and shower, ran the vacuum and took care of a few other things then she headed home. It felt weird to say goodbye to her since I had been living at home for the past few years, but I had my dogs with me and I felt ok.

I started my new job soon after and everything was going well. Even though they technically higherd me under the title of Windows Administrator, they had me working on (no surprise) Storage for the Joint Strike Fighter F-35 vault project. We had 7 racks of equipment to configure and deliver to an undisclosed location in the DC metro area.

Everything was going well for the 1st 6 months, then things started to get rocky. While I was able to obtain my security clearance for the DoD, I started to hear voices in my head that were not mine. At first the voices were random but one rainy Friday afternoon in my bedroom the walls came crashing in on me psychologically. The voices were so loud, it was as if there were people in my bedroom and their voices were real live humans. One girl said who would later take on the alias as "Kate" said in a booming voice that "Jesus can't save you", while another male voice called me a "racist". I did everything I could to block them out but nothing worked, so I busted out the Bible and 1st mentioned Solo Fide, then found a bible verse that literally said "only God can pass judgement". I dealt with them the best I could but they were so lifelike it was surreal. The voices had been active with me for a few weeks prior but nothing to this extent.

I once read an article about how a group of Indians were working in the Middle East. Something happened and they all drove to the airport leaving many expensive cars behind as they headed for home. That thought popped into my head with the exception that I wasn't going to leave my car. I dealt with the fear and the confusion that the voices were creating until early morning (it was a very long night), then packed up a few things (including my dogs) and headed for DC to hit the beltway back to PA. The drive back to PA was quite possibly one of the most difficult things I've ever done. My voices were loud the whole trip and it was as if they were reading my mind, pulling me apart. It was overwhelming to say the least, horrifying actually. At one point I almost hit a Jersey barrier because of the distraction the voices were making. I was trapped in a living hell and I had to endure it for about 6 hours, which is the time is takes to get from Southern Maryland (S. Maryland) to Pittsburgh. Again, my mom's house was my salvation as my voices left me alone once I arrived home.

I game my mom a big hug and almost started to break down. I explained to her what happened and she happen to have a little bit of my old medication left over in a bottle (Trilafon) so I took part of the pill and things started to feel better.

I slept soundly Saturday night and woke up renewed. I decided to make the trek back down to S. Maryland and resume work. I was somewhat paranoid on the drive back down but I made the trek without any voices.

Weeks went by and still no voices but the paranoia persisted. As my voices started to come back to life, I increased my dosage of Trilafon but it wasn't helping. In fact, I developed a case a Tardive Dyskinesia (TD). As I took more of the medication the TD got worse and worse. What's interesting to note is that my voices started almost immediately after the passing of my beloved German Shepherd Enzo. His death came as a surprise to me and took me off guard. He was my buddy for so many years it was a tough loss.

I made an appointment with a Nurse Practitioner there in S. Maryland, but she was booked up solid for several weeks. During this time I had to endure my voices at work and at times they were intense, all the while keeping it to myself (and my mom) for fear of losing my security clearance. They would call me derogatory names, tell me I had "the smallest dick in the world" while I was at the urnal, and slew of other derogatory phrases throughout the day. I ignored them the best I could but once again my demons were getting the better of me.

It's at this point I would like to say that there are not nearly enough resources available in the mental health profession both locally and nationally. Not only were there just a handful of resources in the S. Maryland area, they were all booked up for weeks.

Once I was finally able to be seen by the Nurse Practitioner, we addressed the TD symptoms and talked about the situation. At that time my voices were leaving me alone. She put me on an additional medication to take care of the TD. The project at work wrapped up in about a year and I finished out my tenure with Smartronix. It was a great company to work for.