Frostbite

PREFACE

Ever wondered what it would be like to kill your loved ones? The loved ones whom you trusted but they only lusted?

Life is a rollercoaster. The sting, the anxiety, the adrenaline rushes through your veins and aches your muscles. 

The past that you want to leave behind entangles its chains around your ankles, stopping you from moving on, pulling you back, standing in front of you again and again and again until you are tired and you finally give in. Until you let your past drag you back, back in those nightmares you wanted to run away from. Our past is actually a fragile thing that's afraid to be left alone. It fears that it will vanish the moment we get out of it. So in order to exist it haunts our very existence.

I never knew that dead people were the same. That even dead people could drag you away. I was sure I killed him. I checked his breathing had stopped, his heart beat had stopped. I cried for him and yet I killed him with my own hands. I was removed from the scene by someone, I kept screaming in agony, I kept shouting and praying for death to come, I begged for it but sometimes the people who care about us just don't understand how necessary it is for us to harm ourselves. And when they do, it's too late.

 
I had been violated, abused, imprisoned, poisoned, and tortured. I was drugged, with drugs ranging to the highest potencies one can think of. I had to become plastic because I wasn't a perfect looking princess. The definition of beauty has simply shifted from hidden hearts to the visible faces.

I had been pushed down in the box of glitter and every time I came out - trying to be myself, concealing my original self, protecting the innocent child that was still alive inside me yet in bits - I was pushed back in it. 

For some people acceptance is a very common word but for someone like me it means more than anything. People always treasure those things which they never get and unfortunately I am one of those people. I cherish things which I don't get! I am ungrateful but nothing in the world matters when you want to have something, one specific thing in trade of everything you have and still you can't buy it!
 
A single person can have a drastic affect on one's life and that affected person can alone change the life of so many others.
 
I chose it; I tried it, and it made me feel good! But even if we change the course of other’s life we still need that person who changed ours to put everything back right. Because changing others doesn't mean you are changing with them. You can just look over them to save them from something you yourself went through.

 I was pushed down by the weight of expectations, the dreams that my eyes never dreamed of. I had been living a life that was pulled on by someone else. I had wanted to die. But I was not ALLOWED to die. It's like death had challenged me to come at it and see if I could win against its will. Sure enough this was what that happened to me all the time, controlled and tamed by someone else's will. I tried and tried so many times to kill myself but every time the death abandoned me, it rejected me to be taken in its arms. It's almost like I am indestructible, I am not a human anymore. Ever since I took a life I have grown to hate mine. I took an oath to try and challenge death in every way possible, to turn the tables and make it kneel in front of me, to accept me. I didn't love anyone not even myself. Pure feelings like love, happiness, satisfaction and peace had bid me good bye. I had concealed myself for so long, bottled up my tears in the fear that once I let them out I won't be able to stop. I was weak, so weak that I was afraid that a single blow of wind would be able to make me disappear. I always wanted to die a heroic death, saving someone, dying in place of someone else, protecting someone. But I had no one to save, to protect, and to greet death for. 

And now here I stood confronting him. Not believing my eyes but my heart knew. I had loved him as much as I had hated him. But he doesn't remember me, leaving me completely hopeless on the fact that there was anyone in this world who loved me as I am!