Crave | k.th.

9.

I'm usually not the type to show my emotions.

Today was a busy day of practice and filming and I had to put on my best smile but inside I was anxious.

I was hoping to get a call or text after my note I left but I received nothing.

Maybe she didn't understand.

I wish my English was a bit better and I could write her more but I felt a guilty relief in knowing that she may not have understood and that gave me more time though I could not help but wonder if she knew or was I foolish to think doing this would be okay?

Jiminie was on me today, bothering me about my weekend. He means well but I did not want to admit how much of a failure I was in not telling her the truth. Even though he would never see me that way, the pain of admitting it hurt enough.

I checked my phone every break I got. She was never one to text first but I was hoping that maybe my message would be an exception to this.

There was nothing.

I kept opening our chat but there was just a message there from last Friday I sent before my weekend with her.

I could call her but I was too embarrassed to. She would be busy with classes all day and I did not want to disturb her work.

"Taehyung ah, I thought you were fixing this?" Jimin asked as he ruffled my hair.

"Yes. I'm going in a minute." I never took my eyes away from my phone.

"Are you expecting a call?" Jimin teased.

I remained quiet while I just scrolled through our chat. Watching our words brought me sadness. I started missing her.

Jimin took a seat next to me as he picked up on my mood.

"Taehyung, what happened? Did you tell her?"

He is too curious of this but I know it comes from a good place. Jimin loves seeing everyone happy and encourages us always to hold onto it.

I'm just too much of a coward to admit my defeat but I know he can see it.

"Keep trying. You care about her, I know. You may care more than you realize." He spoke.

My heart skipped. I'm very aware of what I feel for Shae but to know she may feel the same for me is what I want more than anything.

But what if she doesn't?

Jimin patted my shoulder before he got up and walked away. I turned on my phone again but what I was looking for wasn't there.

Maybe the note was a mistake.

____________

Our day had come to an end and I was finally able to relax a bit after dinner with my members. They noticed I was quiet but didn't pry much. We all have moments like these often but I feel guilty for being this way now.

Our comeback is soon and work should be my focus. If I am to be honest with myself, focus is meaningless if I have something missing inside me.

I could pretend and I have many times before but I don't want to. I want to start my next phase of the year with genuine feelings. I want to be able to share my thoughts and time with Shae because the next few months will be busy.

We will be touring and spending a lot of time away from Korea. How will I be able to explain this to her if I can't tell her the truth now?

I have been away from her before but a whole month in her native country without explanation will surely hurt our time together when I return.

I don't want that. I need her.

I need more than just feeding my selfishness with a need to feel another human contact after a tired day of cameras.

I want a relationship with Shae. I know I can trust her and I realize how much I care for her after this weekend with her. She may not know it but I have let her in more than I have since we started this and I want to give her even more of me.

She deserves it.

A tiny knock on my door took me from my thoughts and I called for them to enter.

It was Namjoon hyung.

"You okay? You've been quiet today more than usual." He sat down on the chair at my desk.

"Yeah I'm okay." I smiled a little but I know he didn't buy it.

"Are you worried about Shae? Did you talk to her?"

Just the mention of her name made my heart skip. I shook my head and didn't even look up from the ground. Too ashamed to.

"You're being too hard on yourself Taehyung. She won't reject you because of who you are even if she knows or not. From what you tell me, she probably needs you around just as much as you need her."

I glanced up to him. I never thought of it that way. I never thought that something in her may crave my company as I do hers.

Now I'm even more curious of her. We could be alike in our thinking and we're both afraid of something but what could be her reason?

I must know.

"Maybe I should see her tomorrow since we have some free time. I think I can tell her now."

Namjoon nodded. "Good luck. It will work out." He smiled which made me smile too.

It's easy to speak with him about this. He understands more than anyone.

I picked up my phone and took a deep breath. I found our chat and sent her a message.

Tomorrow? I wrote. She maybe surprised to see me again so early. I hope it will be a happy one.

She responded back with a yes and I breathed a little easy as I sent her a smiley face.

She sent me one back.

I fell back onto my bed and closed my eyes thinking of our weekend and feeling more confident that I could explain my note. I want to do this right.

I will make this work.

I feel nervous knowing there is one more chapter left...eek
+++🌹💋clw