My Library || Personal

8/28/2019

So I wrote this after getting home from driving practice. Needless to say it didn't go the best and sitting in my room crying myself to sleep was not the best way to get out all of the negative emotions.

I went driving today. 3rd time. You'd think I'd maybe feel a bit better about taking a corner, or at least remembering to put on my fucking turn signal. Nope. Before we even left the house, I already had a knot in my gut. I tried erasing thoughts of unfinished ma homework,(which was turning tables into functions, my god, it's 3rd graders work and I already cried twice because of that) getting my retainer tomorrow, the book about a teenage heroin addict that hits a little too close to home and makes me feel like I'm the one hiding balloons and syringes under my bed. I let it go, only to have my head flooded with every possible anxiety related to driving. I feel like I'm always going to get us killed or do severe damage to the car. Everything I do is fallible and fatal. If I take a turn too hard or not hard enough, my dad's going to pull my license. It's not him. His critique is helpful for learning how to drive properly. I just can't get out of my own head enough to do what I should. And of course, I have to fucking cry like a two-year-old because I'm so god damn frustrated with myself. I need to go see a fucking therapist. My anxiety really does need to be diagnosed. But then again, I'm just asking for the easy way out, right? Go to a doctor, get the drugs, be normal. It's pathetic really. But I can't go on pretending that I'm completely normal. I don't just have a tiny bit of OCD and nervousness. I'm not sure what an anxiety attack actually is, but frustrated tears sure as hell aren't as controllable as they should be. Being the strong me sucks sometimes. People tell you to suck it up, stop blubbering, calm down, and turn off your negative thoughts. News flash, it doesn't fucking work that way. Bottling it up is the worst thing you can do, almost at least. You can't just turn off the tear ducts; your brain doesn't automatically take a chill pill; and there is no switch for thoughts. Once you start, it's hard to stop. One tear will lead to another, and one thought to another, until your face is drenched and your brain is fried from all of the negativity and anxiety. I'm a freaking head case. No, not the mentally insane type, but my brain is not normal; my mental health isn't stable per se. And it really sucks that the people who are supposed to understand and be there for you the most, don't understand and can't understand what it's like. I should be able to talk to my parents about this, have a serious discussion about my mental health, but we can't. My dad will blame himself, mom will make misguided statements and both won't do what probably needs to be done. Having anxiety isn't like having a cold. I can't get extra sleep, take a few pills, keep a warm cloth over my head and head back to school good as new next week. It doesn't work like that. No matter if they know how it actually works or not, they treat anxiety like a cold. It's not temporary. You could have years of medication and therapy under your belt, but it's always going to be there. It'll come in little pieces, a stray hair there, stumbled over a word here. It's an ever going battle within yourself. The people I feel comfortable talking to about it are hundreds if not thousands of miles away. ****, *****, and ****** all have my trust. They're not going to be condescending  or callous, they're going to listen,and understand. They're not going to downplay it. It's valid and my friends aren't going to invalidate it. And that's what I need. I need someone to hold me tight, tell me they understand, and mean it.

I just wanted to share this with you all, it makes me feel a bit better telling other people. I'm sorry if I'm just babbling or complaining. I am very ignorant when it comes to knowing what anxiety attacks are, how to handle them, or what counts as anxiety but this is how I experience it and what it feels like for me. Thank you for reading, I appreciate it a lot, and yes I blurred out my friends' names out of respect for them and also for my own privacy.