I only want you to smile for me.

Uncertainty

It was an unusually dark and sombre day on the particular day we ended up booking our main scale event. What I mean by that is, hello happy world had been planning a much larger scale performance for a long time now. This was because I began feeling as though I couldn’t make enough people smile at one of our ‘normal' venues, so I ended up asking Misaki if she could help me find a new place to book a slot for a show that only hello happy world would play in.
 

It had been a hard months of cranking down on practicing, I was there almost everyday of the week once school was done. I wanted it to be perfect, for the band and for everyone coming to see us.
Although a few weeks before the main event Misaki had told me Michelle was ill once again but I didn’t need to worry as she would happily fill in for her. Kanon kept mumbling on that it was because “its too hot for Misaki-chan to perform with the Michelle suit on, and she doesn’t want to risk messing anything up” I really didn’t understand what she meant, it’s not like Misaki has anything to do with Michelle, never mind how the heat would make her perform differently, it’s safe to say I was very puzzled, but in all fairness I was quite happy with the idea of being able to perform with Misaki. Alot of the time during shows i enjoy dancing around the stage and mostly jumping up to Michelle and hugging her – she does alot for me whilst onstage and I felt I’d really enjoy doing all those things with Misaki. After all the brunette was especially interesting to me, never mind how cute she looks when I startle her with hugs.
Never the less the day of the concert came, and we all couldn’t have been more excited.
 
“Right so no one needs last minute toilet breaks okay?” kanon had asked nervously for the almost fourteenth time.
“No my dear kitten I think everyone I ready to perform~” kaoru the replied whilst flicking her bangs aside from her face. I smiled as bright as I usually do and turned to see Misaki seemingly staring at the wall. The brunette was fiddling with her fingers, along with her forehead being slightly glazed with sweat. She seemed even more nervous than Kanon at this point.
I skipped over towards Misaki and jumped in front of her, placing my hands on her thighs and pressing my forehead against hers whilst still staring deeply into her sapphire-like eyes. Before I could speak she flinched and pulled her face backwards slightly, her cheeks tinting pink as she did.
 
“Hey misakiiiiii~! You cant go on that stage without a maaaaaassive smile on your face!” I continued pushing my self closer to her as I threw my arms into the air. “And I wont have you not smiling for one moment before~!” I then exclaimed before grabbing her cheeks, squeezing them slightly and moving the ends of her lips upwards forming a sort of smile, though she then gave in and finally gave me the smile I was looking for.
There was something about Misaki's smile that would make my heart flutter slightly whenever I saw it, like simply seeing a form of happiness flow though her would make me happier than anything else. When she showed me her most genuine and precious smiles I would even get to the point where even my face would start to heat up.
 
She battered my hands away from her face only to keep hold of them after dropping our linked fingers to her legs.
“T-thank you Kokoro... but you dont need to get this close every time I get nerves-“ I shook my head and replied.
“I would disagree! When we’re on that stage I want all of us to be at our best! That’s wh-" before I could finish hagumi had burst into the room catching off my little speech I was prepared to give.
 
“Right everyone! It’s time head on stage!” Misaki almost flinched at hearing that, I simply sighed and got up from on her lap. I put my hands on my hips smiling as brightly as I could, i was about to tell her one last thing in Hope’s it would lighten her mood but kanon seemed to have stepped in before I could speak.
She had a small flush across her cheeks as she spoke, a strange light glimmers in her violet eyes that I thought to myself I’d have to check up on what emotion could be behind such a look.
 
“Hey misaki-chan if you ever feel nervous whilst on stage, just look at me and I’m sure you’ll know you’re not the most nervous one of us all fue~” misaki smiled at Kanons words then stood, balling her fists and turning fully to Kanon.
“Right got this!” the brunette then exclaimed, I should have felt happier for her as seeing misaki happy should have been all I needed at that time and yet, I didnt feel as if I had anything to do with it, she smiled through another person’s kindness which made me feel like I couldn’t manage the full job of calming her nerves.
After seeing her walk off beside Kanon, almost through a door of light- as if the world behind it was a new universe something ready to grab and pull me aside then for the first time I felt this ting of pain in my lower stomach. Barely even noticeable though, I felt it. Hagumi patted me out from my daze and grabbed my hand lacing our fingers.
 
“Come on kokoron! We’re on now!” with almost emergency hidden behind her amber eyes. I offered her a grin then began speeding up along beside her.
And yes walking through that door of shimmering yellow, did feel like entering a new universe. Light covered me along with hagumi, for a moment me and the redhead ceased to exist, a few fractured particles were left with any contrast left. Before we had finally walked through to the other side.
Rows and rows of yellow and orange waved across the black ocean beyond us. I’d never felt such an overwhelming feeling – I felt small, not being the one to have made misaki smile before this had effected me so deeply I felt inferior to everyone around me. And yet the little squeeze hagumi gave my hand before she walked to her stance on stage, really brought me back to reality. This black ocean was here to smile. And we were to make them smile.
 
I then heard the music begin playing, the melody seeped into my skin and brought me back to life almost making my blood rate speed up. I then smiled as bright as I could and let out my voice to sing out just as we had all practiced. Everything was beginning to go normal once again for me, my heart returned to its usually joyful place I saw people among that vast ocean of glow sticks now – each and everyone of them wearing gleaming smiles. I came up to the part of my choreography in which I leap into the air and wrap my arms as far as they’ll go around Michelle’s head - in which this time I should have been Misaki and for a split second I felt the happiest I ever had, my voice was flowing as the melodies surrounding me held me in a strong stance. I turned to Misaki reading myself and then everything seemed to stop.
 
Misaki was staring at Kanon just as Kanon was looking at Misaki, the bluenette though was wearing an expression I’d never seen. It was an expression I felt I’d never have wanted to see on her as she faced Misaki. It held happiness, joy, love and almost lust. So much began whirling around my mind for this millisecond I had before jumping towards Misaki . Misaki was smiling holding a kind and genuine smile towards Kanon, but the other was staring so strongly as if it was only the two of them there. As if this was solely only about them. The look swayed me so much everything shut down. My mind, my movement, my heart then my voice.
 
I hit a flat note, and it was painfully obvious that I had. I've never hit a flat note in my life - singing is one thing that comes so naturally to me that I've never dealt with such an issue and yet. It happened, I can't understand why after seeing the look kanon gave misaki during this performance effected me in such a strong way, that it would lead me to being unable to sing as I always do, but it happened.
 
I was still looking at misaki, and at that point her eye-line has turned to me in a look of concern – everyone had. The pain in my stomach returned but alot harsher. I couldnt sing every note began to be flat, I was out of sinc with the rhythm of the song. All I could think of was that look, I couldnt get it out of my head they way kanons expression hadnt changed- she had no idea how important and perfect that smile misaki just gave her was. It was a waste of the brunettes genuine smile.
I ended up pausing . I froze on spot my mind and with thoughts of kanons expression. I couldn’t sing I wasnt thinking. Luckily Hagumi began singing over the parts I was missing, in which kaoru and the rest started to join in. I simply stood there in moving staring at misaki – I wouldn’t say I had an expression, there wasnt any light in my eyes nor in my heart. At that moment I was basically dead.
 
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“My goodness I’m so tired” Hagumi shouted enthusiastically as we all returned towards the backroom. Kaoru patted her on the head rifling the hair slightly.
“You really did save us out there little kitten~ it was so very fleeting when you began singing~! I wouldn’t have been the first to sing I can safely say.” Hagumi flushed slightly only to quickly change the direction of her view towards me.
“T-thank you so much Kaoru-kun... though I wouldn’t of had to start singing if kokoron hadn’t stopped, are you okay kokoron? That’s never really happened to you before...” the redhead commented; her eyes looking abit droopy as she did. I perked up and turned towards Hagumi forcing a smile onto my face.
 
“Y-yeah! Just had one of those moments... It was really strange my stomach was all fwoooosh and queasy and i was like waaaa you ever get that?” I smiled after speaking but everyone kept a concerned glimmer in their eyes, though they believed me still. I’ve gotten pretty good at hiding emotions at this point.
Kaoru and Hagumi nodded and Kanon didnt say anything, I turned around toward the wardrobe and began getting into my casuals. As did everyone else, in silence.
 
When we all finally left there wasn’t too much exchange in conversation, Kaoru and Hagumi managed to keep up some small talk; Kanon also fizzing into the conversation at times. Theres was always a strange feeling in the air between us, some unspoken issue no one was going to bring up. It was just that though, no one, was going to bring it up.
We all began to part our on ways, Kanon and Kaoru one way Hagumi in her own and Misaki was still a bit behind us. I kept aware on the fact Kanon turned back to Misaki as she left- going for a hug but it wasnt returned. The brunette looked really upset which tugged at my heart, and I began to frown.
 
“Goodbye everyone I’ll see you at school tomorrow~!” exclaimed the Redhead as she left alone, which Kaoru and Kanon both joined and walked off waving slightly. I began walking, prepared to walk alone until I felt a hand grabbing my wrist.
“Hey kokoro... did you freeze up because you saw you had to hug me and not Michelle?” her voice was quiet and cold. It hurt me to think she blamed herself, I could feel the sadness eating her up souly from her tone and the look swimming in those bright grey orbs of hers. – it was too soon. I shook my head and turned to the brunette, grabbing both her hands as I did.”
“No! Not at all I promise you that’s not the reason at all! I...” I cut off I was confused. I certainly didnt have a reason or at least- I didnt have one I could possibly tell Misaki at that moment. It made so little sense.
“You help me out alot with my problems I just want to help you kokoro... what happened up there?” She then looked up to me, her pearly grey eyes shining with worry and tears. I sighed and pushed my face onto her chest.
 
“I’m not sure I just... felt weird- you see i felt this odd feeling in my stomach and it took over my body i- I’m sorry Misaki I didn’t mean to alarm you... after all I ended up just staring at you for the rest of the show..” The brunette then giggled slightly, wrapping her arms around my back. My heart seemed to skip a beat after feeling so close to her, so then returned the hug and wrapped my arms around her neck- trailing my fingers through her hair. This was nice. I really liked being close to her like this, I felt safe.
“Kokoro all that is, is nerves! You let your nerves get the better of you! Something you had told me not to do!” she laughed, which honestly was better music to my ears than anything I’ve ever listened to. As much as I know what I was feeling was nerves but saying that would probably upset Misaki, so i decided it was better off if I just stayed quiet.
 
“Mmm yeah that might have been it..” I was too wrapped up with the warm feeling of pressing up so close to Misaki I’d almost been led off into sleep. She was warm, I could feel myself recharging just from our closeness.
“Come in then let’s get home, you seem really tired for once in your life kokoro" she smiled so softly and genuinely as she spoke, I couldn’t help but grin myself; she was contagious. After pulling away the brunette outstretched her hand toward mine, tangling our fingers together as she led me on forward. It had started becoming completely normal by now that me and misaki would walk around holding hands. I cant remember when we first started it when it just became perfectly fine for us, but it just kind of happened.
I remember all the eyes of the members in popipa burning into our skulls as we walked away from them hand in hand – back before they always did sponsored lives. Things change so much over time now I’m thinking about it... exept Arisa's obvious crush on Kasumi is still as obvious if not more than it used to be. Before I could even enjoy the feeling of the others hand we’d arrived at the foot of my home. Misaki turned to me still with a sweet smile across her face.
“I’ll see you tomorrow kokoro, you have my number so if you have any other problems just give a call okay?” spoke misaki calmly.
 
I looked up to her as she was a few centimetres taller than me, and pulled the best smile I could manage at the time. Leaving with a small “goodbye" and a little wave.
When I returned home and ventured into my room I ended up laying there staring at the ceiling for an extremely long amount of time. So much so one of the suit people came to check on me.
“Kokoro-sama are you feeling well? You’ve been awfully quiet which isnt very like you.” The suit person commented. I ended up focusing more on my reflection in her glasses than of what she had actually said to me.
 
“Y-yes I’m fine... hey actually I was just wondering ugm..” I hesitated for a moment, twirling my fingers around one another “ I messed up a little during the performance today- but only because I saw misaki smiling at Kanon and not me... that-that sounds really self-centred but it effected me to the point where I couldnt move I-“ I cut myself off realising I just had started rambling. I rethought over my words dealing I ended up sounding like i was just feeling jealously or something.
Was I?
“I understand Kokoro-sama, Okusawa-sama is a very good friend if yours. I’d say shes my personally my favourite out of your little group as she cares alot about your safety... so we don’t have to get as scared as we normally would.” I only started off into the distance. Putting her words together didnt really help my situation...
All I could think about at this point was if all I was really feeling was some pretty jealousy that I couldn’t fulfil my usually purpose of being the one that gave her happiness. But it wasn’t me who did that. It was Kanon... Ugh so infuriating.
p> 
“W-what I mean to say kokoro-sama... is that Okusawa-San is really worth fighting for! As it seems to me shes one of the most important people to you! You must really love her right?” that’s when it clicked. The reason I felt such an urge to be Misakis main source of happiness was because i was in love with her.
I began smiling brightly as I normally do, my old self began chirping it’s way back to me.
“You’re right! Misaki is worth fighting for! So if Kanon thinks she loves Misaki as much as I do, shes extremely wrong! I know what Misaki needs not her, and if she gets in the way of me fulfilling my duty to make Misaki the happiest person in the world, I’ll just have to get rid of her! Right?” I looked up to the suit person, feeling the glimmer in my eyes as I looked up at her.
“Yes of cour- what hold on-"
 
“Thank you suit person! I’m going to go to sleep now bye bye!” I quickly ended up pushing her out the room as I spoke closing it with a thud. Then letting out a gleeful sigh, sliding down the wall into a sitting position. I pulled up legs up to my chest and laid my head back. It made so much sense, I finally could understand all these whirling thoughts and feelings. I never deal with such emotions Misaki really brings out every inch of me inside and out. I ended up falling asleep in that same position, thinking about that same brunette I care so much for.
 
I decided for the next morning I’d wake up super early and get to Misaki's house before she woke up, so we could walk to school together tomorrow.
 
I think I’ll keep a diary on how much more Misaki seems to change and effect my feelings and maybe I could fully understand the actual depths of my love.
 
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