Realizations

A Long Time and Poof, Gone... or is it Really Gone? [1]

INTRODUCTORY

I've been a little bit, unlucky when it comes to romantic love. You see, I've noticed that these days if you happen to be a serious person, no one would want you but of course, I'm not sure because anyone would like a person to be committed in a serious relationship, but that's what I saw around me. It seems like people have been flirting around, and they couldn't get into a much more, serious relationship. 

I've witnessed a lot of break-ups, tears, pain, and lax bodies because of it. And as I grow up, of course, your unicorn here would also have a heightened desire of entering into a relationship. That's normal because who would not want to be loved?

My friends around me underwent multiple relationships and were partially or completely destroyed. That's one of my fears. The breakup. What if I get fixated with him and then he would just completely disappear without any notice? What would I do if he loses interest in me? What if he suddenly gets angry? How would it affect me if we broke up?

The curiosity is slowly killing me but such experiences have made me hesitant. Like A LOT. I would like to take the risk, but I do not know how to flirt, which is probably a good thing because I would always remember all the experiences of my friends around me, and damn, feels good to be not hated by your ex-lover.

Well, I wish I was charismatic. I wish I was a little good-looking person. I wish I knew how to flirt more, but damn. I'm really no cut-out for having a boyfriend, but I just realized when I and my 2 female cousins talked about me not in a relationship. One of them, whom I am the closest with among the two, told me that "that's why you can't get one because you're too serious."

Welp. That hit right in the center of the bull's eye. Why? I was serious for this one person. DEAD SERIOUS. I was thinking. Would this be the punishment? Not having someone to love because I became serious with him?

I knew him in my 6th grade, and I would hide his name with Narvin Montefacto. 

I just decided to write my 6 years history of one-sided love for Narvin. All the things and happenings that I've always remembered.

Right now, I am at a healing stage because I just refrained myself from talking to him. Though we're friends, a broken heart is enough, and maybe, the realization of the idiocy for 6 years to stop the conversations temporarily. I am not mad at him cause who am I to be mad at him? I am just controlling and teaching my self the discipline I've always needed. The last time we talked? Last 2 months, I think.

And you might be asking why I am going to write something like this.

Yeah. Why would I, when I am refraining myself from him?

First of all, writing is a hobby of mine that flourished a lot when I was still in 9th grade. Second, connecting it with this situation, I think it's a way for me to release everything. I am not asking for any person to read every word, but knowing that I've written it into a medium where I could leave it, it's already calming in the mind. Lastly, I really wanted to leave them in the papers or into the internet pages cause I wanted to forget the emotions temporarily. I won't be forgetting them completely because those were experiences and tears and smiles that have made the "me" today. They were once, precious treasures of the old me, now, just the stepping, but brilliant stones of my current life. Emotions were embedded in every curve of my words. And every word creates a sentence. Into paragraphs, into a whole story. If I'd miss the emotions, I'd just revisit them through re-reading it, then laugh at the idiocy of my old self.

Don't judge me. Even if it's just a crush, it's still difficult to move-on cause I loved him genuinely. And even if I try moving on, the feelings will never, ever disappear cause they've already scarred my heart and made their own room there. I know it's hopeless, but I gotta think out of the box and release everything. After all, my main goal is to make myself happy and contented without relying on him.