Realizations

A Long Time and Poof, Gone... or is it Really Gone? [3]

The fated CONFESSION!                                                                   

The text message era was a supreme season. I gradually developed deeper feelings for Narvin that it really awakened a certain flame in me to confess the truth to him.

Not remembering what month and day in 8th grade, it was time to return home. My dad who was still alive back then fetches me at school at a very late time because he was busy, so I had to wait. Our rooms, Opal and Carnelian were located at the very rear of the school campus, but I was positioned at their old classroom, section Orchid. I sat there, waiting for my dad since it had this very long but short wall in front of the room that is used mainly as a long chair for everyone to sit down.

If I remember, I started writing a short story, which generated a lot of grammatical errors, immature construction of words, and shallow depth, but it was a short story that I based almost completely on my feelings and experiences about him up unto a certain day. I went to the extent of printing it as if a book, then filed it into a transparent folder, and overall, it looked like a research proposal. Of course, because I had my feelings strengthened that time, the work's front page was a whole image of two, green apples where one smiled and one hid sadly behind a post-it where a smiling face was drawn. I initially depicted that the sad apple was me and the smiling one was him. I never knew I already felt sadness with just a measly, immature emotion.

Narvin, perfectly still on the school grounds because both of us waited for our fathers, invited him to his old room's seat for a simple conversation. I did well with holding my emotions in but I already had the thinking of him already knowing about me having butterflies for him.

He sat and we talked about certain things until I gave him my work. I forgot the name I gave my character in the story, but his character's name was Maxon. Veiled by the darkness all over the school, Narvin depended on the post light outside that shone into the room and indulged himself in my work. I just sat in front of him, hoping for a positive response. I was nervous with my heart's beat like bass drums.

But I realized like wow, I was able to do something like this. Usually, those who develop feelings for their crushes don't really have the certain courage required to confess. And I certainly belong to the percentage of those who are strong enough to say the truth, even paying more of those courage to create a story based on my real experiences and to let him read it.

After he scanned all of it, we fell quiet for quite a several seconds. But then, he told me "It's ok for me to have you as an admirer. I won't be mad at you, nor be disgusted with you. We can stay friends as long as we can be." I don't actually remember everything, but the gist is there. He didn't turn me down, and didn't reject me, but opened another door for friendship.

Initially, it was a confession to release all the stored steam inside me, but I never knew my confessions on the next, several chapters became confessions of asking him to be my lover.

And if I remember, certain days after, I persuaded him to exchange identification cards. This certain act was a stereotyped act of couples in our school to exchange identification cards, and I happily looked at his dumb, but gentle face of thought innocence.

Dumb enough, I could only care less to my smiles, leaking out of the romantic seizures I had every time I'd look at his picture.

I don't remember the date when I actually told him my feelings through the short story that I created, but it was clear that that day, is one of those 5, memorable days, be it positive or negative, that I will never, ever forget. Major turning points of romantic life, the first might be the biggest one.

Her decision...                                                                                      

Fast forward to 9th grade, I already knew how Narvin talked to Aria a lot since 7th grade. I was just close-minded at that time and I thought him, being a "torpe", really did a job to separate him from her, not talking at all. Of course, they were classmates at that time so they should've talked a lot. I got myself assuming that they did not really have even a pint of conversation.

9th grade still deprived me of the chance of having Narvin as a classmate, yet, had the audacity to make me and Aria, classmates and children of Acacia. Narvin went to section Narra which was beside our own room (if I remember).

There was this one afternoon in the early 1st grading. Time to return home, maybe early 5 pm, Narvin was already at his climax of liking Aria so much that he invited Aria into a quiet place where my school's official guild in traditional dances, would practice dancing. It was an open space where there were also palm trees aligned along the path, surrounded by green cement where students could sit and talk.

I saw her being invited into that place and some of my classmates who were still at the room that time, peeked at them since our room was just a few steps away from their location. I got nervous. It felt like he was already trying to say the"will you be my girlfriend?" thing. That time, I was also passively competitive in getting his appreciation for me, but I actually can't do anything because I set myself clear about my distance, respect, and limitations. Ironic, but I was completely helpless, obviously.

Aria returned to the room with tears on her eyes, and I could not remember the next thing that happened.

Some days after or maybe the following day, time to return home again, I was waiting outside the gates and had a conversation with Aria. She knew that I had taken a liking on Narvin, but she clarified herself to me, hoping that she could change my perspective of her, being a qualified rival for Narvin's heart

"You know what Hoenn, I don't really want relationships at this point. Do you know what's really inside my head right now? Finishing my studies, and be able to buy land or a house for my parents."

That made me feel mixed emotions. It made me warm inside, knowing that I don't really have to take her on as a threat, but also sad, for knowing all of those and realizing that my thoughts were too passively aggressive.

Chill...                                                                                                        

The rest of the school year of my 9th grade decayed down our ever, memorable conversations through the phone. I continued admiring him from afar, talked to him if I had the chance, but I could not remember most of the significant yesterdays that I had with him within that span of time.