The life of love.

Loving You Is Suicide.

Dally's Pov.
I lie alone in my room and watched the ceiling fan blow cool whisps of air through my room. I could smell the laundry soap on my sheet and blanket. I'm so tired and drained. I want to calm down so badly. I am so beyond done with this fucking insomnia. I need to relax. This is way too much. I glance at my clock and see it says 12:33 Am. I need to sleep so much. I was thinking about using Pony's method of warm milk and honey. But it requires movement. I don't feel like moving right now. Its mid October and its a warm evening. I want to rest. I can feel tears flow down my cheeks and taste them over my lips. I can taste all salt. I am grateful I know where Johnny is. He's sitting with Pony at the house. They are in love. Me? I have carried a torch for Darry for about four years. Ever since I was fourteen years old. I want him so badly. But I know the possibility of him loving me back is slim to nonexistent. I miss him at night. When the insomnia is eating away at me. Nights like tonight are hard. I wanna sleep. My eyes head and face all ache. Even my teeth hurt. Darry says it comes from eating too much candy and cookies. I love candy. Its so good! Matter of fact I have a Twix under my dresser drawer right now. I want it. I roll to the side and find it. Then I start to sigh and rub my crotch. I want to hold Darry. Maybe inhale his hair. It smells like vanilla and his skin is like lavender. I imagined him in my room. I felt him smirk against my skin and lick my lips. He ran his hand over my hair and said" Dallas Tucker Winston Curtis! You have been a very bad boy! You need to be punished." I opened my eyes and felt them burn with the need for sleep. I want to unwind. So I went inside the bathroom to run a warm bath. As I sank down into the water I felt my body finally loosen and breathed a deep sigh of relief. I could smell my candle. It smelled like vanilla and I grabbed my cock. I ran my hands over it until I was so hard it ached and began to turn purple. Darry appeared to me again. He laughed and said" Mmmm! There you go being bad again. You naughty naughty boy!" He kissed me and I tasted mint on his breath. It was strong like a mojito. Enough to give me a alcoholic buzz. I wrapped my arms around him and felt him thrust inside me. I felt myself tighten around him. Pulling him deeper into me. I want my darling so so much. It breaks my heart to think he doesn't want me back. He probably would if I told him how I felt. I don't know how to express myself in words and poems like Pony and Johnny do. Maybe I could get one of them to write Darry and give him a love poem from me. Id love to have him know and perhaps even love me back. After my fantasy the guilt sank in and lied in bed wet and nude and sobbed into my pillow. I felt so ashamed and nauseous. The feelings go hand and hand. I tried to tell ma how I felt but she said" Dally. If you try to tell him now Darry won't understand. Try again in a few years hun. When you are older and more sure." So I waited and now I regret that I took her advice. I need to tell him. I'll walk over there tomorrow morning and cook omelets and chocolate pancakes then tell Darry after the guys leave for work and school. I'm so nervous. But also excited. If I don't tell him. I'll have to let him go and know that my brain is wired wrong. I don't know should I stay or should I go. Tell myself the things I need to hear. No one else will do it. If I don't. God Darry is gorgeous. I hope he'll love me. The way I love him. Its killing me. Loving him is suicide. It is becoming harder everyday. I'm trying to keep myself alive knowing there's a chance its all too late. I finally drank some milk with a hit of whiskey and fell asleep dreaming of Darry.