Husbands But Not

32: Goodbye, Noah Grayson

Kent

A lot of things shape our lives.

Some are direct and some are not.

Some are as small as a minor inconvenience, and some are major incidents.

My life was different.

The line between minor and major was very blurry and squiggly. Tiny mishaps changed the course of my life, and traumatic experiences didn't even faze me.

Merely a few months ago, a team jacket changed the course of my life, dramatically enough. I was the proud wearer of the jacket that said:

Grayson
6

I thought about it for days. I protected it like it was my lifeline. I basked in its smell and feel, knowing Noah, who occupied most of my vision during lunch periods, wore it.

A beating from dad didn't make me flinch.

The car was driving steadily down the road, as I drifted in and out of sleep. My past kept materialising in the shape of dreams and intrusive visions.

How a blue and white jacket could make me feel safe. A jacket I no longer owned.

How a home economics class made me feel wanted and not as alone as I thought.

How Noah's hand in my hair made it feel softer than it ever was.

It was all going so well. I couldn't believe how it all could shatter in the blink of an eye.

--

"What if you stay over?" Noah asked. We were lying on his bed, our heads on the footboard's side.

"I thought we agreed I'm already staying over."

"I don't mean tonight." He turned his face toward me. "Stay for the weekend, and maybe me more."

"How much is more?"

"A week. I don't know, a month? A year? For as long as you want?"

I sighed. "I wish it was that easy to just choose where do you want to live, or who do you want to live with or be with, and it just happens."

"No one said it was easy, but we can make it work. My family won't mind." Noah was building on blocks of imagination.

"It's not that simple, No-"

"It can be, though," He interrupted, though it didn't annoy me like it usually would've. "we just need to try."

"Yeah, maybe."

"Plus," he added. "I really want you to be here on my birthday. And I mean here, in my room, all night, where we can spend it alone after everyone's gone. I'd give anything I have for that."

"I thought you were supposed to get gifts for a birthday, not give them."

"Just say you want a cheesy buttknuckle comment."

I said I'd move in if his parents are okay with it.

What I didn't say was the avalanche of dreadful thoughts going through my mind. I didn't express my worry that my dad would literally kill me. I knew he kicked me out of the house, but sooner or later, he was going to drag me back there. He knew better than that. It was his idea of punishment; so I could fend for myself and become the tough man he wanted his kid to be.

I knew the way he thought very well.

And I knew how Noah's thoughts were made of velvet dreams and happy ever afters. At least he was happy, and that's all what mattered for the while being.