Tired

Chapter 5

⚠️⚠️⚠️THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SELF HARM. IF YOU ARE DISGUSTED/ CANNOT STAND IT OR SIMPLY ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH READING IT, I ADVISE YOU TO SKIP THE PART WHERE IT HAS THE WARNING ⚠️ SIGNS ON TILL THE OTHER WARNING ⚠️ SIGNS OR TO THE END OF THE CHAPTER AS YOU WONT MISS ANYTHING IMPORTANT⚠️⚠️⚠️

*Time skip until after she went home, said her Salam and prayed in her room ASR prayer*

I don't know what am I supposed to do... I really wanna read a book or draw... OH YEAH I FORGOT THAT I DID NOT WATCH ADAM'S AND SLIM'S VLOGS!!!
'You dummy they still didn't upload 😂They will upload in around two hours 🤦‍♀️'- my subconscious self told me...
Hehehe I forgot... plus who are you calling a dummy?? 'Am I a JoKe To YoU?' 

I think the best thing to do right now is to read a book or binge watch something 😪
Opening my laptop while my phone is next to me, I go to Netflix to see what is there to watc-

'Go kill your self you ugly whore. All you want is attention from your people and all. What a disgusting person! Do the us all a favour and remove your ugly face from existence ' My phone started to blow up
*sigh* why can't people leave me alone. Maryem one of my old classmates in my old school texted me. We were best friends... she left me, made assumptions about me, made rumours about me and never stopped humiliating me. She loves to see herself as the ruler of everyone and that she is always right. Believe me, even when we were friends, she was pain. Why don't you leave her then? You might ask me. Well I changed school... hell I left the country... wait who am I kidding I left the continent that she is in... and she still nags me. Block her then. You would tell me... well what you have failed to consider is that I did on every other application. But she would make another account to just get on my nerves. No matter how many times I blocked or reported her, she would find a way or another to insult me. You can already see what type of a person she is.

'Dumba$$ wh0re, I know you are reading this so don't ignore me like the blitch you are and answer me you dumb th0t! You are such a loser and a big disgrace to your family, I hope you die so that your mama can be happy for once in her life. Why don't you finish your life off right away? Why are you waiting? Are you waiting for your Prince Charming??? Go kill yourself you worthless wh0re'
'Answer me you dog!!!!!'

Report...
And...
Blocked!
...
...
...

She is right.
You are worthless.
You are a loser.
You are the reason why your mum isn't happy with her life.
You are a mistake.
Kill your self.

Not now
No
I can't
I am meant to forget about this
Take deep breaths in
And out.

⚠️⚠️⚠️ CAUTION, SELF HARMING WILL START ⚠️⚠️⚠️
You are a los-

ENOUGH
I CANNOT CONTROL MYSELF ANYMORE

Sharp
I need something sharp.

I see the mirror in my toilet reminding me of how ugly and worthless I am.

Punch. Crack. Punch. Punch. Crack.

Pieces fall out of the mirror as fast as my life falling apart

Grabbing a sharp piece of the broken mirror, I slit a cut on my wrist. Blood oozing out of the first cut, trying to distract me of the mental pain.

You are worthless.

Another slit goes on under the first one, deeper this time. I wince from the pain it caused. The dark red blood is starting to ooze from this cut.

You are a loser

The third cut goes under the second one. Not so deep. Just enough to make me forget about the mental pain.

Cut. Bad thoughts. Cut. More bad thoughts

What you are doing to yourself is Haram.
No harm yourself .
Haram
Harm
HARAM
HARM
HARAM.

I let out a whimper as the tears that were filling my eyes threaten to fall.

Drops of blood fall on my floor.

I snap out of it and start crying.

I can't control my body whenever I am in that mindset. It is as if I am not in control anymore.

Exhausted, I get up and start cleaning the mess I made up. Shards of broken mirror glass is everywhere.
I start of by cleaning my wounds. Opening the tap water, I leave my arm under the water, as I wince from the pain, to clean the cuts.
I removed all of my clothes and then hopped in the shower hoping to calm a little.
Finishing my shower, I dry off and start to realise that I need to treat my cuts. I grab my first aid kit and got the cream from there. I apply a little amount on the cuts to not make them infected.
Grabbing the bandages, I wrap my arm and cut of the excess. I see that my knuckles were all bruised and bloody so I wrapped them as well. I then pack up the kit and put it in its place. Putting all of my dirty clothes in the laundry basket in my walk in closet, I take this chance to change into a full sleeve pjs.

⚠️⚠️⚠️END OF SELF HARM⚠️⚠️⚠️
I then go outside my room to get a broom from the store room which is located down the hall. I start cleaning up the mess I created on the floor. I then took the remaining bits of what was called my mirror and threw it in the bin.

'SALMA! What did you just throw in the bin? And why is your hand wrapped in a bandage?? Did something happen?' My mum throws questions at me catching the attention of my brother.

'Nothing ma! I just tripped over and fell on the bathroom mirror so I broke it. When I then tried to fix it, it shattered so I accidentally cut myself.' I smoothly lie to her.
How didn't she hear the glass shatter?!. You might ask... well when you are in the backyard talking on the phone to your family, then the last thing you care about is your surroundings. Plus having a brother like mine with his friend over for this week, then you might think that the sound was one of the shows they were watching.

My brother gives me the look that says 'I won't expose you but I don't believe this sh!t, you gotta elaborate later' look
While my mum frantically runs to me asking if I was alright.
'It really is fine ma, I cleaned my wound and all, I just need a new mirror.' That is how I try to make her stop worrying.
Instead what I get is, 'YOU ARE SO CARELESS! YA ALLAH WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHERE WAS YOUR BRAIN? I COULD HAVE LOST YOU!! YOU ARE SO CLUMSY YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!'
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After my mum 'checking' if I was all good and all, she finally allows me to go back to my room. I then realise that it was already Maghreb time so I grab my prayer mat and pray.
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A/N:
- I really am sorry guys... I was in the busiest time in my life with a lot of problems mentally, physically and emotionally so I am sorry I couldn't update.
- On a serious note though, self harming is one of the main issues that is so hard to overcome and/or understand.
- If you know someone who self harms then try to help them or get someone to if all you would do is look at them with disgust or shame.
- A person who is always positive can self harm, any person really can if they fall in that trap. Even if the person is so religious they might self harm and regret it after.
- In any case, you shall try to stop self harming and try to talk your emotions rather than keeping to yourself as it helps.
- Lastly if you self harm and need help you can hmu on my DMs anytime and I will try to free myself for you.