The Outcast.

Post 5.

I'm going to skip the "Dear" stuff...

So today, my therapist has told me that I needed to open up more. I thought I was already doing that since I wrote that post about hope, but apparently writing about a bear isn't enough. Sigh. Therapy sucks.

I guess I'll tell you why I'm here.

Last year, after moving to so many schools, I moved to what my mom told me would be my last school. I wasn't exactly excited, but I was glad that I could finally breathe.

Boy, was I wrong.

I moved to a school in Florida, whose real name I am not legally allowed to reveal. I'll call it Hampton High.

Anyway, when I was at Hampton, it felt like I had to go through the same old routine. I try, to make friends, people ignore me, I am an outcast, etc.

But for some reason, this school was different. On my first day of school, I was immediately accepted. By everyone. My mom said that I was accepted because it was a 'good Christian school,' but I thought they had ulterior motives. I was right.

The entire first week, people greeted me, introduced themselves, and even asked me to sit with them. I was confused. Was that how popular people felt all the time? Sometimes I did actually sit with the popular kids, but most times, I would be off trying to find kids that were more like me. Social outcasts. There had to be some; there always are.

I didn't find anyone. It was surreal. I was there a full moth, and I actually got to settle down with my newly-made friends. I was finally accepted. I was happy.

There was even a guy who was super friendly named Cape (I changed the name. And Cape actually sounds way cooler than his actual name. I'm not allowed to tell you it though). Cape was average looking guy, but since he was the only guy who ever talked to me, he practically looked like Orlando Bloom to me.

One day in Science, Cape asked me out on a date. I had actually said no at first, but then my mom insisted that I go. So I did. We went to the movies and saw Paranormal Activity 2. It was his choice, not mine. I loved the movie, but that wasn't a movie I thought would be date material. Throughout the entire movie, Cape was jumping and flinching. I just sat there. Horror movies don't bother me. Cape seemed a little freaked by that fact.

I thought the date was great, and Cape told me the same. The sadness that had settled inside me my entire life had been lifted.

On the next Monday, I went back to school. And as you probably guessed, everything had changed. As soon as I stepped into Hampton, everyone avoided me like the plague.

With every step I took, the people that were around me took a cautious step away. The halls were silent. No one even whispered. I could hear each step I took echo down the halls. No one looked at me.

Have you ever had the feeling that everyone was watching you?

Try to imagine what the feeling of knowing that no one is watching you feels like.

It's a deep, empty feeling. It's a feeling so strong that makes you so weak, all you want to do is scream. But even if you do, you know that no one will hear you. No one will care.

I always used to think that nothing could get worse. But now, I will never believe that crap again. I thought being an outcast was bad. At that school, I was freaking invisible.

I could shout everyone's name out. No one would so much as flinch. Everyone I was beginning to call my friends acted like I didn't exist. It was like I was in a Hollywood movie and they were incredible actors.

Everything went on the way it was supposed to.

If I stood in front of someone, they would either plow through me, if they were larger, or they would come up with some random reason to walk around me. Like picking up a pencil or saying hi to a friend. People avoided me without even giving me a clue that they were doing it. It was like a dream. Correction, a nightmare.

It was truly horrifying.

The worse part was that the teachers ignored everything. When I would turn in a paper, they would take it. But then later, I would find it in the trash, ungraded. Even the woman who had become my favorite teacher shunned me like the rest of them.

I tried to tell my mom, but she didn't believe me.  I even asked her to move us. And even though we had moved so much before, she said that she didn't feel like going anywhere else.

I was stuck.

I didn't find any point in attending class, so I would just walk around the school campus. I drew on people's cars, I broke windows, I pierced tires. No one did anything. With each car I destroyed, the car would just come back the next day looking better than before.

I began to lose it. My stress level rose and my hair started falling out in clumps. I didn't care too much about my hair, but I knew I didn't want to be bald. I began having to wear hats. Even now, my hair hasn't fully grown back.

I remember that my heart used to race everyday on my way to school. I could feel it just pounding away in my chest. I often thought that it would break through my body.

I got so used to being invisible that I barely recognized my own name when my mom called it. I was so used to silence that even a pen drop would sound like thunder.

I stopped destroying cars and my days would be spent writing. I wrote, but usually about nothing.

How can you describe how you're feeling if you don't even know what's going on?

I wrote a poem:

The silences are comforts

They're shadows of a noise.

And even though I'm screaming out,

No one hears my voice.

I've been here forever,

The remnant of a soul.

There is nothing left of me

I've fallen in the hole.

The worst part of being alone is feeling invisible even when you know people can see you.

Because of that, I had a mental breakdown. I went to one of my classes and in the middle of a lecture, I started crying. I sobbed, I screamed, I threw things. I took the plastic globe that was on the techer's desk and smashed it on the ground. The teacher's eyes grew wide.

I looked around and I could tell the class was trying not to react. But they did have smirks on their faces as if they thought my pain was funny.

I was furious. I can't tell you what I did next, but soon after, the cops were called and I was taken away.

I later found out that the reason I was shunned by everyone was because they thought I was possessed by a spirit. When Cape and I saw Paranormal Activity, and I had no reaction, he was convinced that I was possessed. Every other girl he had taken to the same movie screamed throughout the entire thing.

I swear that was the stupidest thing I ever heard. I had to be put in therapy because some stupid guy didn't like how I reacted to a freaking movie!

I learned something from it, though.

It doesn't matter how hard you try to be yourself, there will always be people who hate you for it.

I hate my own self for being me, I don't need others to do it to.

Well there you go. Judge me. Hate me. I don't care anymore.

Bye.

The Outcast.

 ~

Two pages! Woo! As always, let me know what you think and tell me about any mistakes. :D

~Mikaila <|:3