Laughter [Tobuscus/Toby Turner]

Chapter Twenty-One - Toby's POV

After a few days of talking and getting to know the basics, Sam and I meet up just after curfew in the storage closet at the end of our ward. I get there first, and for a minute I'm scared she won't show up. Eventually she pokes her head in the door, and I smile at her as she sits down across from me.

"You should've seen me as I was coming. I looked like I was robbing a bank." She laughs quietly, and I laugh along with her. It's quiet, but comfortable, and she chews her lower lip as she looks at me. I know that look.

"Toby, are you okay?" Cassie asked, and I looked up suddenly.

She was doing that thing with her lip, the one she always used when she was thinking, and I forced a smile.

"'mfine," I say, leaning across and kissing her softly. Truth was, I wasn't fine. I was so far gone it wasn't even funny.

But then she smiled at me, and for the first time in a long time, I actually felt kind of fine.

Sam is looking at me like that, and I tilt my head. "What?"

"Nothing," she says, but she's still biting that lower lip. "Toby, do you mind if I ask why you're here?"

I shudder. Out of all the things she could've asked, she chooses that. I don't know why it makes me so jumpy, but it does, and I don't know how to handle it.

"I, uh," I look down, and she rests her hand on top of mine. "I tried to kill myself." I whisper, and suddenly it's real. The pills, the note, the moment I thought would be my last breath. I was willing to leave Cassie. I was willing to leave it all.

"Oh," Sam whispers, not saying anything more. Instead, we sit in silence, staring down at our clasped hands. Sam takes a deep breath.

"I'm a schizophrenic." She says, and I look up. "I hear voices, voices that beat me down. They started when my brother died." I nod empathetically, and she wipes her eye with the heel of her hand. "I think it's because I'm the one responsible for his death. If I had just known he was doing the drugs, I could've stopped him..." I cup her face quietly, tilting her chin up so that her eyes meet mine.

"Hey, look at me." I whisper, and there are hot tears shining in her eyes. "There was nothing, nothing you could have done."

She looks at me hard, forcing a sad smile and letting the tears fall.

-

Cassie doesn't show up at the hospital at the three week mark. She doesn't come the day after, either.

I've driven her away, that's the only explanation. I scared her, she doesn't love me anymore. She hates me, she doesn't love me. She doesn't even care.

I don't know how I get to Sam's room, but suddenly I'm standing outside it, and driven by red-hot anger i pound on the door. I don't even care that it's 1 am. She's awake, I know it. She's told me that the voices keep her awake. She's up. She swings the door open, and seeing my tear-streaked face she invites me in.

"Toby, what the hell? What's wrong?" She asks, and suddenly I'm kissing her. With all the anger and pain and hurt and sadness and depression I'm feeling, I kiss Sam, hard. She's pressed against the wall and I can't tell if she likes it or not, because her lips are kind of tied up at the moment.

Sam pushes me off.

"Toby..." She says again, "What the hell?! A few days ago you were telling me about this lovely girlfriend of yours, and now you're kissing me at one in the morning."

"Cassie didn't come see me today. Or yesterday. She didn't come see me at all. She doesn't love me anymore, she hates me, she doesn't ca-"

"Shut up, Toby." Sam says with such a forceful tone that I'm actually not sure if it's Sam. "Maybe she's tied up, maybe she's sick, Hell, maybe she's scared. You can't put this on her, and you sure as hell can't put it on yourself."

I'm confused, lost, sick. I don't know how to feel. I need Sam. I need Cassie. I need someone, anyone.

"Toby..." Sam comes up and wipes my tears. "I'm gonna walk you back to your room, okay? But I can't be with you or anything, no matter how much you want it."

"Why?"

"Because," She takes a deep breath. "You've already got a girl that loves you."

- - -

Sam's cool