In the Language of the Flowers

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✾ Wisteria ✾

I never thought I would sink to such levels. But, then again, I never thought I would ever want to leave at all, much less come here. 

I'd been expecting some sort of rom-com happy ending, despite how stupid it made me feel. I thought...well, I thought he cared about me. No, he did care, just not in the way that I wanted him to. That I needed him to. 

No, that's dumb, too. I didn't need Ren anymore. Maybe I had once. Relying on him. Craving something that would never happen. Not anymore. I had to let it pass, let go. I'd lost people before. This was easier than that. 

"You sure you're ok, Beau?"

I looked up from my phone. I'd been staring at the blank screen. I nodded. "Yeah, I'm good." Or, I would be. Eventually. Sometimes things don't work out how you want or expect. I took a deep breath. I can do this. 

I'd gotten all my tears out already. Flying back to New York had been a nightmare. I was trying not to sob the whole time. The lady next to me offered me a tissue but thankfully didn't say anything. 

As I landed, I realized that I didn't really have any right to sob. So, Ren was bi. So, Ren didn't feel the same way. So, he was in a relationship with a guy who'd unquestionably acted like a prick to me and undeniably hurt him. But he didn't owe me anything. I randomly thought of my essay: On Gratitude. If anything, I owed him.

Still. He'd never actually ended up painting me.

"You know, I wanted to give you your space. Once I found out that you were safe and ok, I didn't want to step on your toes," my uncle said out of nowhere. 

I stared at him as he drove his expensive car. "Yeah. Thanks." For a while, space had been good. 

He exhaled sharply through his nose. "I guess I'm just glad that you changed your mind." 

"I didn't change my mind," I said as calmly as I could. "I still don't want to be a part of your family. I just have nowhere else to go." 

I could have gone to Sallie's or maybe even Amory's, but I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it together if I was around them. My sanity and emotional stability was pooled in my palms; I had to do everything I could to keep it from leaking through my fingers. Those two would give me that sad, pitying look. My fingers would split, and I'd start crying all over again. I just wanted to forget. I wanted to be alone, to have time and quiet. I needed to focus. Their incessant texting wasn't helping, though.

"I know," he said. "Just, I feel guilty all the time. Your mom was an amazing, kind person, and I feel like she's frowning at me from whatever wonderful place she ended up. I've let both of you down, you know?"

We're all just specks, in the end. We pretend like there's something tying us together: fate, humanity, love. But we're insignificant specks, floating, drifting randomly. "You don't owe me anything," I said quietly. 

"Maybe not, but I do care about you," he said. He glanced at me before looking back at the road. "I just care about my family, too, and that puts me in a difficult position." 

"I get it," I said. I wished I could push a button that would transform his entire life. He couldn't just have married someone who wasn't a homophobe? Maybe things would have turned out differently. I vaguely remembered what it was like to have a dad, but things disappear as time goes on. Maybe if I'd had one growing up, I wouldn't feel so lost. I'd have had someone to teach me how to be a man.

He pulled the car up the driveway. Picket fences, baby blue house, perfectly trimmed shrubs. I cringed. I should have visited my old house when I was in Florida, but I'd been so eager to leave after I saw Ren and Liam together. The image was burned into my eyelids. Shirtless, glistening, embracing... That fucking asshole.