Numb

Chapter One - Lex

Sometimes life gets so hard that the only option left is         numbness.

All you can do is go numb. Let the icky feeling engulf your body, ever so slowly. Because why would your only escape come to your rescue so quickly? There's no fun in that.

Let your body go limp and release any inkling of hope; hope for a better tomorrow. There's no way it's coming. Your legs become anchors, your arms are flaccid noodles, and you begin to question how it's possible your head hasn't toppled off. Your mind becomes a dark abyss only allowing short spurts of focus to barely get you through the motions. Your chest is constricted and breathing becomes your one and only objective.

          In.

                Out.

        In.

               Out.

Yet, you'd take this – this nothingness – any day compared to the excruciating pain of life. Because, let's face it, reality is a bitch.

I close my eyes in an attempt to lose myself and become one with my comforter. Slowly, like I predicted, the nothingness creeps over my body. First my toes and fingertips start to feel heavy, and then nothing.

This goes on until I'm dressed in it.

My suit of armor.

Once fully consumed with numbness, I get out of bed and walk to my closet on autopilot. The only way I get through anything. I pull out dark faded jeans with rips running down one thigh. Then reach for a black tank top. I strip off my grey sweatpants and my ratted t-shirt.

After dressing, I enter the bathroom, that's thankfully attached to my room, and I'm met with a stranger looking back. She may look like me, but those eyes aren't familiar. Gone is the milk chocolate color that added a softness to my face. Now they're black. They hold nothing in them; void of any life. I'm simply a shell of a body with no real anything.

God, I'm a fucking zombie. I laugh, but there's no humor in it.

I grab my brush and tame my hair. The frizziness is finally subdued and black waves meet my lower back. I apply eyeliner and mascara, but don't bother with anything else.

Finding my boots and leather jacket at the foot of my bed, I take another look at myself in my full-length mirror hanging on my closet door. Despite my room being bright with accents of color, my petite frame is consumed by black. My skin is a darker brown regardless of my desperate wishes of being considered golden. Or something more alluring. I'm the darkest in my family and I envy the glow their skin illuminates.

My eyes move on to a collage of pictures that hang next to my mirror, and my chest constricts as I catch a glimpse of one in particular. It's fall time as seen by the warm-colored leaves on the trees. There's a picnic bench near one of the trees that's being used. The teenage girl is sporting a soft pink cardigan with blue jeans. Her hair is pulled into a messy bun. She doesn't look towards the camera as she's distracted by something outside the camera's view. Something that has elicited a genuine belly-laugh and caused her cheeks to become flushed. Her eyes twinkle with pure joy.

I wasn't always so lifeless. My body didn't always feel so damn heavy. Sure, I had bad days, but they were never this gloomy. Now it's like every day is so goddamn dreary. Closing my eyes and biting my trembling lip, I fight back the tears that threaten to hurl past the numbness.

As much as I wish I was the same girl from two years ago, life had different plans and decided I didn't deserve a happy life. So, fuck it. There's nothing I can do to change my circumstances so might as well ride with it. Grabbing my bag and tossing my textbooks in, I exit my room with the door slamming shut behind me. I cringe at the sound, not intending for it to close with so much force.