What lies Beneath my Heart

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​My sustained influences inspire me...my mind seems to be derived from the thoughts of an achieving supremacy of that very inspiration...who better to  ,rightfully, influence me exceedingly more greatly  than my very own blood, my brother...or so I thought...?
​With everything that he's done, I too, have approached that narrow line into following his size eleven footsteps. All I've achieved and done is through his vague image. I, as a person, have strived mostly all of my life to be something I'm not. I tried to be..."him." It leaves me with a hat full of questions, like...what are some things that "I" like?  And...Who am "I" truly? That being said...In all of any sort, I can honestly say that as far as pretending to be my older brother goes, I realized that we can "never" be the same.
​Throughout most of my teenage life...I, have proven myself beyond all reasonable doubt to forever be known as someone I'm not. Although I love my older bro' like a mirror image, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I often do wonder when my own life will truly begin. He may have been my most passionate heartfelt influence, but now that I'm older, I can decipher mostly all the contradictions regarding both the troubles in his life and mines. Too many differences...and too few similarities. I simply can not be like him.
​In further depth, my big bro' can only make my eyes believe in so much before I ,too,  grow up and realize that I also can be an idealistic influence. "That's significant." I mean...if it makes any sense..."my older brother has been so much of an influential inspiration in my life, that the overwhelming feeling brought up by the thought, has caused me to search for a spiritual influence within my own self." I figured that it was about time that I realize the importance of the matter, rather than making it the "long-termed fashion statement" of my life. All my life I've wanted to be him. Now, I just want to learn how to be myself.
​Despite the fact that I seemingly have troubled thoughts and a faulty self-esteem to match, it's for certain that I too have that willing ambition to be myself; as in, "being my very own influence within my very own life." No longer will I hide behind these foreshadowing masquerades. I acknowledge the fact that, "here," (in my heart) lies a groundbreaking truth that's dying to be projected through my under-utilized larger than life sized personality.
​To have an influence that makes you want to influence yourself is both "powerful" & "dynamic."However, there's reasons to it all; and I think I made it fairly clear that my reason is strictly because of a pivotal epiphany which has caused a great deal of realization from the indirect lessons over time taught from watching my brother all these years. He's always been there whether I liked it or not. ..And...I've always tried to be him...whether he liked it or not. Something just had to change. Understanding that my brother can't always be my role model every day out of my somewhat non-existing life was the climax of it all. I'd be lying if I said that he wasn't the most iconic piece to the puzzle. Through his influential image, I felt I was born ready to approach this point in life by myself.  It's like...he led the way and I Just followed the whole time. Like a duck letting its ducklings go, I too, must find my place here in a world I felt I never knew...both spiritually and literally.