The Perfect Man For The Perfect Woman

chapter 21

January 7,2017

The days have kinda blurred into one as I lie in bed staring at the wall. Paige and Tiffany got me to drink soup once which I couldn't keep down, perhaps I've eaten again since then, or not, I can't even tell. I don't know even if it was in the morning they brought it or in the evening. Andrew kept calling my phone which I turned off eventually, now it sits on the bedside table mocking me. I'm a zombie, literally. Wake up, Stare, think, cry and go back to bed. An endless cycle that never seems to end.

And the memories, they don't stop coming into my mind. It's like they are mocking me. The Spain trip, every single time we've spent together is now bitter and I keep thinking what if he didn't want me during all that time and he was just waiting for the Jonathan thing so that he can run off into the sunset with that girl.

I hate her so much but if she makes Andrew happy I can't hate her. Oh Lord, I'm a mess. I'm never a mess. I'm the responsible one, the one people depend on. This isn't me. I don't blame Tiff and Paige for walking on eggshells around me. Like a fragile person, like glass but what they don't know is I'm already broken.

Andrew broke me.

When I close my eyes, I'm on a beach looking at the sunset. Me soaking up the sun, far away from the cold empty place I'm in. And immediately I open my eyes and realize where I am, I cry because I can't escape. I want to escape, I want relief.

All those empty promises, that's what they were right? No one should make a promise if they can't keep because in the end, all it becomes is words which leaves someone shattered.

I still love him.

Of course I do, I can't just tell my heart. Hey, stop loving him, it's over. If it was possible, there will be no such thing as heartbreak, right?

By now Paige has called the wedding planner to tell her the wedding is off. Why continue to plan a wedding when it's off? I haven't been able to take off the ring. I know I should, but I can't. Taking it off feels like that's the finally step. When I'm completely back to my old self or at least not this person I can hardly recognize then I'll take it off.

Should I return it back to him or keep it? Any thoughts?

Because I'm so lost. Utterly lost and so cold. Years down the drain. Six years all gone like a blink of the eye but I can't be mad, they were good years. I know he loved me, perhaps he still does though I doubt. If you love someone, you don't deliberately hurt them. When you love someone, you cherish the person.

Or am I wrong? Did I expect too much from him?

'I'll always love you' He told me once.

I can't help the tears that fall unto the pillow beneath my head. So much for a happy ever after.

My head feels like a movie, replaying the day we met over and over again.

I need answers or something because I don't think I'll survive this.

I get out of bed and put on my sneakers. I take my phone and place it into the pocket of my sweatshirt, I check to make sure they are asleep before sneaking out. I take out my phone when I'm outside the building. It's almost 1 am.

"Can you meet me?" I give the address to the nearest park and end the call.

I stroll to the park and sit on one of the benches. I wait for almost 30 minutes then I hear a car pull up behind me. I turn to see Andrew step out of the car. He's dressed in a sweatshirt too but while mine is with tights, his is with jeans. He looks like he hasn't slept in days.

"Hi" I say when he sits.

"I never meant to sleep with her. I went to a bar when I got back, I was so drunk and I brought her home but I didn't mean to"

"But you wanted to"

"I don't know, I don't think so. I'm so sorry, London"

"Why would you do that " I feel tears fall down my cheeks.

"Because I wanted to hurt you, I wanted you to feel the same way I did."

"Well congratulations because I do, perhaps worse than you felt"

"I'm so sorry, London" he says

"I don't know if I can forgive you" I say.

"I know I messed up but London please"

"What's her name?" I say.

"Is that a good idea?"

"It's better than calling her bitch and a whole lot of other names"

"Heather"

"Heather," I repeat. "She's pretty"

My phone starts ringing. Paige.

"Thank God, where are you?"

"I went for a walk, I'll be back soon" I cut it before she can complain about me leaving alone.

"You haven't been sleeping" I say

"You haven't been eating" He says back.

We know each other too well, just one look and we can tell.

"So this is it right?" Andrew says. "You hate me and I can't even blame someone else because this is all my fault "

I lay my head on his shoulder and breath in his scent.

"I don't want you out of my life" He says

"Do me a favor" I say

"Anything"

"Pack my stuff for me, I don't want to ever go back to that apartment"

"No," Andrew says. "We'll work through this" He's crying when I sit up. I hold his face in my hands.

"I love you but I can't do this anymore" I say and kiss him. A final kiss, a goodbye kiss that is full of so much pain and love. When I pull away I get up and start walking back to Tiffany's place. He knows better than to call me back.

I'm going to be okay, we both are. This is what I need, closure. I look down at my finger and realize I didn't give the ring back, I'll just send it to him later.

I touch the ring but I can't take it off. I guess I'm not ready but I feel much better.