The Pink Hotel

Wasted Times

"what's wrong with you?!" Yelled the boy who had once gave me the world. I wasn't ok and I was positive he wasn't ok either.

Those words hurt. I felt a hard pang in my chest when those words finally left his mouth. It was the type of feeling you get when something really hurts you. It hurts you so bad mentally that you feel it psychically.

I didn't want to fight but it seemed like that was all he wanted. Everything was so wrong. He wasn't even himself. I truly knew nothing.

I had wasted all my time on something I already knew would happen. I had seen it with Nell and now it was happening to Dean and I had no control. Things had been so great with him just like they had been with her but of course, things changed. Then suddenly they were gone.

"I'm sorry," said the boy as he fell to the floor and began shaking his head. Those were words that never left Nell's mouth. That gave me hope. I hope that maybe he wasn't going to leave. Hope that I hadn't really wasted my time.

For a second I wanted to crawl into his arms and forget about our exchanged words but I knew I couldn't. I knew I would never allow someone to really hurt me. Never. I knew that If I crawled back into his arms I would just be leaving everything I built up in the dust. It took me years to finally be myself. To finally be happy and I would give him the opportunity to take that away.

I didn't care what I could lose. All I cared about was not losing myself.

I would be leaving this place in a few days. This hotel could hurt me. No one could hurt me. I would be fine.

I sat there and stared at him for too long. No words left his mouth as he cried. I should've been the one crying at this point.

"why?" I asked I wanted to sound assertive but my true feelings took over and showed him just how hurt I had really been.

He didn't respond for a while. It seemed like he hadn't really known what was wrong with him either.  I didn't care nor did I feel bad for him. Those were his words, not mine so why should I feel bad.

"I'm not myself so how would I know," he said as if he was trying to be deep about the situation. There was nothing to be deep about and this only angered me more. I figured he was showing his true colors.

"Are you kidding me?" I asked as I picked myself off of the floor and braced myself for another person leaving my life. He seemed to be taken aback by my anger. He seemed to not even understand why I would be mad. I had the right to be mad. He didn't have the right.

He treated me horribly after giving me the world and it made no sense.

"I'm not-" he sounded like he has a lot more to say but the words didn't seem to come out. I had no clue why he wouldn't just say it.

I wanted him to say that he didn't care about me. I wanted him to say that he truly thought I was a mess and I was stupid. That's all I wanted. I just needed for him to get it over with.

"I'm not myself. I already told you, Blair. I keep going in and out and I really can't control it. I feel like I'm literally losing my mind and you don't..you don't understand" suddenly he began shaking. He was shaking so furiously and I had no idea why. He let out a loud scream. It was a scream I knew all too well

I quickly ran towards the boy to see what was wrong. With all of the things that had already happened, I knew things could've been bad for him.

I wrapped my arms around him in hopes he would calm down and feel better but from the looks of it, he wasn't stopping. He shook as he let out loud sounds filled with pain.

Even after all that happened I still felt bad for him. I don't think I could ever forget what he gave me no matter how much it hurt. I would never just leave the boy in the dirt. Well unless he really hurt me but I was almost positive that would not be happening.

I was strong.

I had walked into this hotel with family issues and no social life and nothing got to me. I had constantly been attacked by dreams and fear made up by my own mind. I had almost gotten killed by a creepy old man. I had lost my mind. I had fallen in love. I had practically lost my mind. Still, I was myself. I was the same person I was when I walked in here. To me, nothing could hurt me.

Except for the next words that left Deans's mouth.

"you don't deserve me"

He stopped shaking and began laughing the moment those words left his mouth. Those words were all I needed. All I needed to be done. All I needed to be broken.

Year's of building myself up shattered to the ground with the boy's harsh words. I knew there was nothing I could do and there was nothing he could say.

I was gone.

I would never come back and he knew that. His eyes were locked to mine as my eyes started to water. They softened as he seemed to take in his previous words.

He hadn't lied. He wasn't himself.

And I should have left a long time ago.

I picked myself off the floor and grabbed all of the things I had brought for the boy. I was leaving and I planned on never coming back.

"no!no!" said Dean as he slowly began to crawl towards me. His eyes were watery and his complexion was pale and dead. I didn't care. I didn't care if he was sad. I was sad too! And I actually had a reason.

I didn't respond to the boy as my hands feel on the more than cold doorknob.

"don't leave me, don't you dare leave me!" cried the boy as I opened the door. 

I walked out but before leaving I had one more thing to let out. I looked at his disheveled body and left my hurt at his doorstep "every second with you was a waste"