Adam

C

Bellian used to visit me, but she would always sit in the chair in front of my bed. Her eyebrows pinched, in a concerned manner. I wondered why she wouldn't sit beside me on my bed, but I didn't want to press the idea. The idea of her still loving me, why didn't she? Was it the way I looked at her, or the way I always thought she'd look better with her throat slit. "How are you?" She'd always ask, and I would wonder that myself too. I felt nothing, and it was a feeling that was rare. When I looked at her, all I felt was anger. I felt so much anger towards everyone, and I was never sure why. Now I understand it's because crow was just beginning to take form inside of me.

One time in particular she was there at the hospital with me, and I told her to leave and never come back. Every day since then, I have thought about her. As if a piece of Lane still lingers inside of me, or maybe it's just Andrew. I will never know, I hope.

Sometimes the stress becomes too much, especially in public places, my brain is scattered. My heartbeat is too hard to hear, and I panic. I feel like lashing out, I feel like hurting everyone.

Like a monster being teased in a cage, I hope no one ever finds the key. I hope I never find the key, because if it ever is found.... that will be the end of me..... for the second time, maybe the third.

Sometimes I wish I could start over in life. Do you ever feel like that? Because that is what I'm thinking about 40% of the time. I wish I could take back my first breath, and do it some other time, perhaps even never. Sometimes I remember what it was like to be Lane. Andrew sees pain in everything. Andrew sees himself slowly fading away too, when crow becomes angry at him. So does Adam. I hate Andrew, and I want nothing more, than for crow to pin him in a chokehold.