An Odd Set of Circumstances

Based on a true story.

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Ken crawled into his front planter to check on a leaky water pipe. While tinkering in the shrubs, he heard Ruthie, his gorgeous next-door neighbor drive into her garage. He knew she'd be on her way over to chat with his wife about her CPR/first aid class. If he'd warned her he was under the bushes things would've turned out differently. 

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He felt Ruthie stumble over his feet, heard her gasp. "Dear God! Ken's collapsed--it's a heart attack!" With the authority of her newly acquired skills, she barked orders to no one, "Call 911! Bring a blanket, a tourniquet, a breathalyzer!" With surprising strength, the shapely blonde grabbed Ken's ankles and yanked him out of the bushes. His head bounced against a brick, his heart stuttered with shock and confusion. Heart attack? 

Full, luscious lips, he'd never fantasized about because he was a happily married man, clamped onto his. He moaned and their relationship reality slipped a gear until her warm, cinnamon tinged breath blasted through his airway, perilously overextending his lungs, and breaking blood vessels in both eyes.

When the chest-thumping commenced, Ken heard a snap and felt the stabbing pain of a broken rib. Her mouth pressed his again but the thrill was gone, he made a feeble attempt to escape the ministrations of the most stunning woman he'd ever seen. But, when he spotted her hulking husband glaring ominous intentions, he went limp, opting for death by Ruthie.

The ambulance and his wife arrived at the same time and he didn't die.

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Ruthie rushed into Ken's hospital room with cleavage and a large bouquet of lilies. "I'm sorry it took me so long to get here." Her sultry voice breathless with concern. "Thank God, I found you in time, you could've died!" 

"Yes, if not for you, I wouldn't be here." He checked to make sure her husband wasn't around. "Ruthie, you should know, for future reference, it wasn't a heart attack. I was under the bushes fixing a leaky pipe.

Face white as his bedsheet, she shook her head. "No-no-no. I broke your ribs, damaged your lungs, put you in the hospital for nothing?" Wobbling on 4-inch heels.

"You meant well," he assured her, concerned by her pallor.

She hit the floor with a bounce of her lovely head and turned blue.

"Ruthie?" He yelled. She wasn't breathing.

Ken punched the emergency button and propelled his body off the bed, thudding hard against the linoleum; his IV ripped out; blood spurted. Ignoring the agony of his fractured ribs, he began compressions on the generous chest of the woman who had put him in the hospital.

When he heard the crash cart clattering toward the room, Ken glanced up. His spouse and her spouse were standing in the doorway staring at his hands on her chest. He shivered in the frigid air, dense fog filled his skull, from a distance he heard himself say, "This must look odd."